


Heronstairs- A Fluff Collection

by NatTheSongbird



Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Cassandra Clare - Freeform, Collection of one-shots, F/M, M/M, heronstairs, infernal devices, sometimes this is cute, sometimes this is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 11:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 59,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3690069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatTheSongbird/pseuds/NatTheSongbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will and Jem are an undeniable truth no matter what world, what life, what scenario they find themselves in. As the wheel turns and life changes, so does the nature of their love. The constant in their lives is someone there to watch their back and guard their heart against the world, over and over and over again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Tune Behind The Words

"I have something to play for you."

Will looked up from his book to see Jem casually leaning against his doorframe. "Something to play for me? What is it?"

"Well, if I told you, that would spoil all the fun," Jem said with a smile as he crossed the room to Will. Will stood and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Jem's slender frame.

"Won't you give me a hint?" Will asked, tracing one finger teasingly over Jem's lips and feeling them curve into a gentle smile. He sat back down into his chair, pulling Jem down onto his lap. Jem blushed but otherwise maintained his composure.

"No, you'll have to see for yourself. Come, I'll play it for you," he said, kissing Will on the nose and standing gracefully.

Will rose obediently from his chair to follow Jem down the hall to his room.

Or, more accurately, to his violin.

"James, if you are expecting me to be able to recognize whatever piece you play, you will be disappointed. While I'm sure you played it perfectly," he said with a wink, watching the faint blush appear again on Jem's face, "I can't tell... anything from... anything else."

Jem simply gave a mysterious smile. "Oh, I think you'll recognize this one."

"I doubt it," Will said, flopping dramatically onto Jem's bed. Jem gave him the mysterious smile again and crossed to the windowsill, gently pulling his violin from its case.

"I think you will, but if you don't, I will tell you afterwards," Jem said, and with that, he began to play.

At first, Will had no clue what it was. It was a bright, happy melody, filling the room with light notes that somehow hinted at something... darker. He'd never heard this piece before, not even in practice, so he was completely in the dark.

Will was nearly ready to open his mouth and give up trying to identify it when he saw Jem mumbling something under his breath- phrases that danced on the tip of Will's tongue with recognition until they flew from his mouth, unbidden.

"Demon pox, oh demon pox, just how is it acquired?   
One must go down to the bad part of town   
'Til one is very tired   
Demon pox, oh demon pox, I've had it all along   
No, not the pox, you foolish blocks, I mean this very song   
For I was right and you were wrong!"

Jem burst out laughing and set his violin back in the case. "I told you you would know it."

"That... That was the tune! For my demon pox song!" Will exclaimed. Jem sat beside him on the bed, smiling.

"Indeed it was. You had the lyrics, so I thought why not provide the music." Jem's eyes sparkled happily when Will wrapped his arms around him.

"You took all that time to write it? For me?" Will asked, wonderstruck. 

"Yes," Jem said simply. 

"Why?" 

"Because I love you and I thought it might make you smile." 

Will pulled Jem closer to him and kissed him slowly and gently, lips curved into a pleased smile. "That it did." 

"Then I have succeeded," Jem said contentedly, leaning his head on Will's shoulder. Will blushed faintly, almost too faintly to see, and dropped a featherlight kiss to Jem's head. 

"How do you do it, James?" Will asked in a low voice, carding his fingers through Jem's hair. 

"Do what?" 

"You always know just what will make me smile, or when I need you to distract me from my own thoughts, or what I need to hear at that moment... Even if I don't always know the same for you. How do you do it?" 

Will could hear the smile in Jem's voice. "Simply because I see the part of you no one else does. They all see you as a star, one who outshines everything around him, but I see you when you are just... You. Just William Herondale. That's how I know." 

Will shook his head. "Not you. I don't outshine you." 

Jem laughed quietly. "Oh, you outshine me especially. But I don't care. I'm quite content to be the dimmer star, the tune behind your words."


	2. A Rather Surprising Discovery

Will swore loudly as they walked away from the dissolving demon, causing Jem to whip around.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" he asked, stepping back so he was once again beside Will.

Will waved his concerns off. "No, I barely got scratched. You?" It was true- he'd managed to evade almost all injury except for a thin scratch where his shirt had torn.

Jem shook his head. "Very minor, on the shoulder."

Will unceremoniously grabbed Jem's wrist and pulled them both to a halt. "Let me see."

Jem sighed and drew the neck of his shirt aside so Will could see a nasty red scratch tracing from his collarbone over the curve of his slender shoulder to his upper arm. Will gave a low sympathetic whistle and drew his stele.

"Ouch. When did that happen?"

"After I threw my dagger in its eye. It lunged at me and I was not quite fast enough," Jem said, wincing slightly when the stele began to trace a healing rune on his skin.

"Ah. Well, sorry about that, but that's the only reason I could finally kill the bloody brute was because you had its attention," Will said, pocketing his stele once more.

Jem shrugged. "Part of the job."

Will looked down at his shirt bitterly. "There's one part of the job I particularly dislike today."

Jem raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What's that? And what were you swearing about earlier?"

"The demon tore my shirt," Will said waspishly, earning him a long look from Jem. He held out his shirt for Jem to see- a tear about a finger's width wide and running down the left sleeve to the elbow.

"Tore your shirt," Jem replied flatly, fighting back a smile.

"Yes!" Will exclaimed, giving Jem a childish pouting face.

"That's hardly a reason to swear," Jem said mildly. Will merely grinned.

"Ah, but it was. That was my favorite shirt."

Jem laughed quietly and swiftly kissed Will on the cheek, taking his hand. "How unfortunate for you."

"Was that sarcasm, James?"

"Yes, it absolutely was."

Will placed his free hand over his heart in mock despair. "I never thought I'd live to see the day when you, my darling Jem, would use sarcasm when addressing me! Your beloved!"

Jem laughed again, his smile breaking his formerly serious expression like sunshine peering through London's dreary skies. "I meant it in the most affectionate way possible."

"No you didn't."

"You're right, I didn't," Jem teased. Will grinned and removed his hand from Jem's, instead wrapping his arm around the boy's slender waist.

"Now, now, James. Watch yourself or you may earn yourself a punishment," Will warned, pulling Jem against his side.

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Do not test me, James Carstairs."

Jem jumped slightly as Will teasingly stroked a finger against his hip. "Hands to yourself, Herondale."

A sly smile spread across Will's features. "Funny..."

Jem braced himself for the inevitable.

"That's not what you said last night," Will finished, smirking. He had not moved his hands- in fact, he seemed to have pulled them even closer together.

"How terribly clever of you," Jem deadpanned. "As always."

Will drew himself up to his full height so that he stood just barely half an inch taller than Jem. "James... Wait, what's your middle name?"

Jem grinned. "I don't have one."

"You," Will said decidedly, "are strange. And that rather detracts from the theatricality of it."

"Oh, I'm sure you have no problem making up for it." Jem's face was peaceful and calm, but his eyes- 'oh, those eyes,' Will couldn't help thinking- sparkled brightly, as they always did when he was happy.

"James Carstairs," Will said again, starting over, "I warned you of the consequences of more of your sarcasm, and yet you persisted. You force my hand in this. Prepare to face the consequences."

Jem narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Will. "What are you-"

Will didn't let him finish before moving his hand up from Jem's hip to his ribs and furiously tickling him. Jem couldn't help the laughter that escaped him as he tried valiantly to escape from Will's grasp.

Will smiled, an honest smile, at his parabatai as he laughed. He so loved that laugh, and it was a rather rare occurrence.

Or it had been, before Jem had dared to confess feelings to Will. When he had discovered his love was wholly reciprocated, he had become much less guarded about his emotions. Jem's laugh would often be heard now whenever he was in Will's presence.

"Will! S-stop it, I can't breathe!" Jem managed between laughs.

Will glanced at his face quickly enough to gauge that while he was very short of breath, he was well. The last thing Will wanted to do was trigger a bout of coughing. "I'll stop if you repent for your sarcasm and acknowledge the deep, horrible tragedy that is the tearing of my favorite shirt!" he exclaimed, smiling despite himself.

"Alright! Truce! I repent for my sarcastic ways!" Jem chuckled, smacking Will's hand away.

"And?" Will demanded.

"And I acknowledge the tragedy of you being slow enough to allow your favorite shirt to be ripped," Jem said evenly, with a mischievous smile.

"You had better start running, my love. Lines have been crossed." Will ruffled Jem's hair affectionately.

"Seems I have nothing to fear from being chased by you today," Jem said sweetly.

"Why, you-" Will began, but Jem had already taken off. He sprinted after him, nearly slipping on the pavement at the corner of the street.

Jem was leaning against the Institute gate casually when Will caught up to him. "Ah, there you are. Shall we go in and see if something can be done about your shirt?" he asked. Just like that, he switched from joking and teasing to simply being sweet and loving.

It made Will want to stay there and kiss and hold him forever. But of course, he could not do that. The little sensible voice in his mind- the one that often spoke in Jem's voice- reminded him of where they were... of who they were.

Will kissed the top of his head, and Jem briefly closed his eyes with a smile. When Will's arms encircled his waist, however, Jem inhaled sharply.

"William. Someone will see us."

Just to be contrary, Will dropped another light kiss to Jem's temple as he went up the steps. "Then we shall have to go somewhere with a locking door."

Jem rolled his eyes and followed him up the stairs silently. When the door swung open, Charlotte was bustling about in the front room. She turned in surprise to see the two boys standing there.

"Oh, hello boys. I take it the hunt went alright?" she inquired, a bit absently.

"Demons gone and no injuries, so I'd say so," Jem said lightly.

"Charlotte, do you know where Sophie is? I need to ask her a favor," Will suddenly piped up. Jem rolled his eyes again.

"No, but can it wait? She's quite busy helping me prepare for Thursday's Clave meeting." Will was about to protest, but Jem kicked him lightly in the ankle.

"It can wait, Charlotte."

"But-"

"Will?"

"Yes?"

"Shut it."

Will closed his mouth and allowed himself to be led to Jem's room. Upon crossing the threshold, he flung himself down on the mattress. Jem gave a soft smile.

"You truly missed your calling as an actor, William. It would suit your flair for theatrics... And your evident love for costume," Jem added as Will stared forlornly at the rip in his shirt.

Will sighed. "I'd fix it, but... I don't know how."

Another gentle smile from Jem. "Wait here," he said and quietly left the room.

Will rolled over in the bed and stared up at the ceiling. It wasn't necessarily the particular shirt- although he was very fond of it- but a memory with it. Jem had made some offhanded remark once about how good Will looked in this shirt. Though it had been an innocent enough comment, Jem had blushed and averted his eyes until he had been swept up in Will's arms.

It had been Will's favorite since, simply because Jem liked it.

His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening again and Jem reentering the room. "Let me see it," he said as he sat in the armchair by the bed, tucking one leg beneath him.

"What?" Will asked, bewildered.

"The shirt," Jem said patiently. "I can fix it for you if you like, but you'll have to give it to me."

Will smirked and pulled the shirt over his head. "If you wanted me to take my clothes off, you could've just asked."

"Tempting, but not my intention. Give it here."

Will threw the shirt unceremoniously at Jem, who lifted a hand and caught it easily. He pulled a small silver object- a needle, Will realized upon closer inspection- and a length of thin thread the same blue as the shirt from his pocket.

Will looked at him, surprised. "You can sew? Where'd you find the needle and thread?"

"Yes, enough to repair this at least. And Sophie had a spare with her when I passed her in the halls," Jem explained, threading the needle and examining the tear.

"Where on Earth did you learn how to sew? Isn't that a very... feminine thing?" Will inquired, sitting up to watch as Jem began to mend the sleeve.

"I wouldn't let Charlotte or Sophie hear you say that, William, but you are correct. It is typically considered more of a woman's job than a man's, but luckily for you, not all people believe that," he said without looking up as he turned the fabric inside out. "So the seam won't show," he said, in answer to Will's questioning glance. 

"You didn't answer my other question. How do you know how to do it?" Will was amazed, probably more amazed than the situation warranted, but he'd never seen such a... delicate side of Jem. His parabatai was always gentle, always kind, and was very lovely with his incredibly slender frame and those beautifully sorrowful eyes, but with his silvery head bowed over the sewing, chatting quietly...

There was no other way to say it. It was- temporarily- a very feminine image. However, he decided against saying this aloud. Jem would not take offense, most probably, but even so. Thinking one's parabatai and lover could pass for a girl in this moment was not something one voiced.

In answer to his question, Jem shrugged. "My mother wanted to teach someone, and she had no daughters, so... she taught me a little. Comes in handy when my parabatai cannot go anywhere without damaging at least part of whatever he was wearing."

Will fell quiet, trying to gauge Jem's mood. Parents, childhoods... these were shaky topics, ones that Will was oddly drawn to. Sometimes Jem had no problem at all talking about his past, but sometimes it made him go very quiet and wistful. However, he seemed content at the moment, so Will decided it was safe to ask another question.

"Did your mother want a daughter? Do you know?"

Jem shook his head. "I don't think so. She always was infuriated by the things woman were not allowed to do. I do not think she would want that for her child."

"She sounds like a very strong person," Will said kindly, peering at the shirt in Jem's hands as he looped the last few stitches through the fabric.

"She was. You would have liked her, I think." Jem glanced up at Will for the first time since beginning to fix the shirt, smiling slightly. "And she would have adored you."

"Of course she would have. I am, after all, a Herondale," Will boasted, gesturing to himself (and not bothering to be shy about the fact he was half-dressed).

Jem chuckled and threw the shirt at Will. "Here, see if the seam will bother you or not."

Will slipped back into his shirt and stretched his arms. "Good as new," he said with a pleased smile. "Thank you."

"Of course," Jem said, coming to sit beside him.

"I must admit, that was a rather surprising discovery about you, James."

Jem smiled and lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. "I didn't know anything about me could surprise you, after all this time."

Will mimicked Jem's position, wrapping an arm around him and drawing them closer together. "You still surprise me every day," Will murmured into Jem's ear, "with every little thing about you. And I love them all."

Jem gladly shifted so he fit perfectly against Will, laying his head on Will's chest. "Then I hope I never cease to surprise you."

"Every day you still love me, I am surprised. Surprised that you, an angel lovely, could somehow fall for me," Will confessed.

Jem tipped his head back to gaze up at Will, gently placing a kiss on his jaw. "Then every day for the rest of my life- whatever its length- you will be surprised, because I will always love you."


	3. A Lazy Sunday

Will felt like he could easily stay like this forever. Jem was curled up in his arms, clinging to him like a lifeline while Will lazily threaded his fingers through his parabatai's soft hair. A fire was crackling in the grate, a blanket was pulled over the two of them, and the morning frost left patterns on the glass of the windowpanes. 

He looked down at Jem in his arms and smiled slightly. He'd been quiet for a very long time, it was quite possible he'd fallen asleep. And, Will reflected thoughtfully, he probably needed the rest.

Just as Will thought this, Jem sighed quietly, a shuddery, heartbreaking sound he obviously hadn't wanted Will to hear. 

"Jem? Are you alright?" 

Jem hesitated before he nodded. Obviously, he'd thought Will was asleep. "Just... tired." 

Will shifted a little so Jem was lying in his lap, staring up at him with wide grey eyes. 

"Why?" 

A pause. "I... didn't sleep well." His gaze flickered away from Will... As it always did on the rare occasion he ever lied. 

Will looked more carefully at Jem's face, and saw obvious traces of exhaustion there. There were dark circles under his eyes, noticeable against his pale skin. His eyes were half-closed, and it was obviously taking some effort to keep them open. His face looked thin and drawn, and overall... Jem just looked tired. 

"James, have you been sleeping at all?" Will could hear the weight of worry in his own voice, demanding the truth from the elder boy.

Jem was silent for a moment, weighing his answer, then shook his head. "Not really, no."

Will was a bit irritated with this answer. "Why?" he asked, a bit more sharply then he'd intended. 

Jem didn't say anything, just looked at him with a guilty fear in his eyes, suddenly looking like a child- lost and scared. Vulnerable. Will felt all traces of harshness fade away as he stroked Jem's hair again. "Why haven't you been sleeping, Jem?" 

Jem gave another shaky sigh. "A mixture of feeling very unwell and an... unsettling idea." 

Will kissed his forehead gently. "Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well? And we had those meetings and missions all week... you've been sick through all of that?" Jem nodded, still looking at Will with that strange guilty fear. "And what else, James? What else has been bothering you?" 

"It's nothing. Forget I said anything."

"No. Tell me why you haven't been sleeping." 

Jem stiffened slightly. "I don't see why that's your concern, William." 

Will could not handle hearing that in addition to the stress of newly worrying about Jem. "Are you out of your mind? Of course it's my concern! Anything that hurts you, I want to know about so I may help you. It's my concern because I love you, and want you to be happy. So for the love of God, Jem, just tell me." 

Jem looked taken aback, but closed his eyes and began to speak. "As of late, I've not been sleeping at all." 

"How've you been on your feet?" Will asked curiously. They'd been quite busy all week...

Jem pulled the sleeve of his shirt up to reveal a thick black Mark standing out against the skin of his thin wrist- an energy rune. "Liberal applications of energy runes, and stubborn refusal to allow myself to sleep." His smile was crooked, a bitter twist to his mouth. 

"But why? Especially if you've been feeling ill, you need more sleep than usual, not less. Let yourself heal and rest, James." Will ruffled the other boy's hair affectionately, but Jem just looked up at him with tired eyes. 

"I didn't sleep because... it has gotten to the point where I can no longer be sure if I will have the strength to wake up again," he said in a small, shaky voice. "And I was afraid... Will, I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you." His voice was embarrassed and quiet, but Will felt his heart ache for Jem. He was afraid- afraid of not waking up again when he felt this weak, this sick, afraid to leave Will too soon, and Will wanted to hold him until the fear vanished. 

He pulled Jem to his chest. "Oh, darling. No one does, and you deserve a long, happy life. Not what you've been given. You deserve so much more." Will felt Jem's shoulders shake, and wasn't sure if exhaustion was catching up or if the silver-haired boy had started to cry. 

Jem wrapped his arms around Will's neck. "It's okay... I have you. You're more than I ever could've asked for." Will tried to lift Jem's face to his, but Jem buried his face in Will's neck, and Will could feel hot tears pressing into his shirt collar. 

Will didn't know what to do with a crying Jem- Jem was never overly vocal about his emotions. In the extremes of any emotion, Jem fell quiet, whether that be happiness, amusement, pain, or anger. 

"Jem... How can I make you feel better?" Will asked awkwardly. He felt horrible- Jem had always held him when he was crying, or close to it. When Will was upset or mad or grieving or anything, Jem was there. 

But now, when Jem really needed him... he didn't know what to do. He could count the number of times he'd seen Jem this emotional on one hand. 

Jem finally looked up at him, sniffing quietly. He gave a weak smile. "Stay with me, so I have enough faith to sleep," he said quietly, yawning and stretching out in Will's lap. Will leaned forward and kissed him softly, feeling his lips brush Jem's like a feather. 

"Of course." 

"Thank you," the elder boy murmured, already drifting off. 

"No, thank you for taking care of yourself. You stubborn idiot," Will said affectionately, "no more depriving yourself of sleep. You'll make yourself sick." 

Jem yawned again, a mischievous light coming into his eyes. "Then I may have to ask for your company at night more frequently." His smile was playful, and Will was relieved to see him happy again. 

Will smiled and watched Jem's eyes finally fall shut. "I think you'll find I am open to that, Carstairs." 

Jem merely smiled and shifted closer to Will as a response. "Wo ai ni," he murmured sleepily. 

"I love you too," Will smiled, watching as Jem's breathing finally deepened and slowed- he was asleep. 

Will had long lost track of the time when he heard the drawing room door open. He looked up quickly, signaling for the person to be quiet. Jem was still regaining his precious stolen sleep, and Will didn't want to wake him. He hardly cared that someone may guess the nature of their relationship if they saw them curled up together like this, he only wanted Jem to rest. 

Charlotte stepped in and looked puzzled. "Will...?" she trailed off, eyes flickering to Jem where he lay contentedly in Will's lap. 

"He hasn't been feeling well this past week, or sleeping," Will said, by way of explanation. "I wanted him to get some sleep." 

Charlotte looked concerned. "I didn't even notice he was ill..." 

"Neither did I. He didn't let anyone know, but he said he's been feeling unwell for the past week, and that he hadn't been able to sleep." Will left out the reason Jem hadn't slept- that was not his to tell. 

"You mean I sent you out on all those missions and dragged you to meetings and he wasn't feeling well?" Charlotte looked slightly horrified. 

Will nodded, one hand still absentmindedly running over Jem's hair. "He needs to rest before he does anything else, or he'll make himself sicker." 

Charlotte nodded, still looking concerned. "Would you like me to send Sophie up with a tray? You'll need to eat sometime." 

Will nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Charlotte." 

"Of course. Make sure he rests enough," she said, smiling. "Oh, and Will?" 

"Yes?" 

"The two of you look very cute, laying together like that. But, be careful. Right now, it's fine, because Jem needs to sleep and everyone knows you make it easier for him, but..." she trailed off. "I suspect you two are something more than parabatai or friends to each other, and that's okay. You need each other. But others... won't be so accepting, especially the Clave." 

Will stared, dumbfound. She knew? Charlotte knew about them? Was she going to tell the Clave? Was he going to be separated from Jem? 

His disbelief must have been plain on his face, because Charlotte smiled reassuringly. 

"Don't worry, I won't tell a soul. Just... take care of him. Protect each other from the world." Her voice was gentle as she started to leave the room. 

"I... I will. Thank you," Will stammered, blushing. 

Charlotte smiled. "I'll send a tray up," she said softly and left the room, closing the door. 

Will sat in shocked silence as Jem shifted and yawned in his lap. "Please tell me I dreamed that," he mumbled, not opening his eyes. "Charlotte did not just figure it out. I'm still dreaming."

Will gently kissed Jem's forehead, grinning. "Nope. That was real." 

"Then I'm going back to sleep," Jem said tiredly, tightening his arms around Will's waist. 

Will laughed, and saw Jem break into a smile. "Okay. I'll be right here when you wake up." 

"I love you," Jem murmured sleepily. 

"I love you too."


	4. A Bad Spell

Will hesitated on the other side of the thick door to Jem's room. No secrets existed between them, but... Will still felt uncomfortable, barging in when he heard Jem coughing. He knew Jem tried to keep his attacks as quiet an affair as possible.

'Maybe it's not that bad,' Will thought. 'Maybe he just... I don't know, just got dust in his throat, or... Something...' 

Those hopeful thoughts were cast aside when a low, scraping noise came from behind the door, followed by a gasp of pain. Jem was coughing again, for the third time in the short while Will had been listening. This made up Will's mind for him- he would go in and help Jem, regardless of his parabatai's prideful resistance.

He threw the door open to see Jem crouching on his knees with one hand braced on the floor to steady himself, coughing and desperately trying to muffle the sound with his sleeve.

Will was frozen in the doorway at the sight of the scarlet staining Jem's hands. Jem's shoulders were convulsing and his chest was heaving from the simple- yet nearly impossible- attempt to control his breathing. Another bout of coughs tore through him, and he pressed a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound. Blood dripped from his fingers as he pulled them away and gasped for air, every breath seeming to cost him something.

Will snapped himself from his stupor and crossed to Jem, kneeling beside him and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Jem visibly flinched under Will's touch, but was in no condition to resist.

Will tipped his reluctant face up, trying to measure how much pain he was in by his eyes. "How bad, my love?"

Jem looked away from him. "I don't... need you to fuss... leave me be," he gasped, stifling another cough.

"Don't be an idiot, James, you're obviously not well. How bad is it?" Will asked soothingly, gently running his hand up and down Jem's spine. Jem tensed, but was far too weak to move away from Will's touch.

"William... Please... just go," Jem said, his words ending in a sudden whimper of pain as his hand flew to clutch his side.

Will felt a dull flare of anger that almost instantly cooled into concern. "And what, James? Leave you here alone when you are the sickest I've seen you in months? No, I would not abandon you. Not when you need me. Why are you pushing me away? Why will you not accept my help?" His voice was firm, and he wondered if Jem was even in a fit state to answer such a question.

"You would do the same, if the one you loved-" Jem broke off into more furious coughing, a pained moan escaping his lips. "If the one you love saw you... Like this..." he finished with a gasp. His eyes looked determinedly away, and Will could see the emotion playing in their too-pale surface- shame.

"Oh, my darling," Will murmured, laying a hand against Jem's forehead and feeling the scorching heat of his skin, "You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is not your fault."

"It is a weakness," Jem said flatly.

"It is a testament to your own strength that you are still willing to fight it. Now let me help you. I will not tell anyone else if you do not wish me to," Will said, gently stroking his hair.

Jem coughed again, chest spasming, and gave a feeble nod. Will placed a featherlight kiss on his forehead.

"Thank you. Now answer- how bad is it?" Will glanced up at the bed, wondering if Jem would be able to tolerate being moved in his state.

Jem was quiet for a moment, except for ragged breathing. "Worst in months," he finally breathed, wincing.

Will bit his lip, worried. "And you've been taking the drug? Like normal?"

Jem managed a nod. "May have missed... one day... when we were on a hunt," he said slowly.

Will frowned at him. "Still, that shouldn't be causing a reaction like this." With that, he carefully drew Jem into his arms and stood. He moved slowly and steadily, trying to be as gentle as possible, but Jem still couldn't help the low groan that rolled from somewhere deep in his chest, even as he tried to fight it back.

"Shhh, I'm sorry. So sorry. Almost over," Will murmured to him, lying him back on the bed. It seemed to give him little comfort, for the line of his shoulders was tense and set, and his eyes were still closed tightly, temples glistening with exertion.

Will turned to the bedside table, reluctantly undoing the clasp of the silver box. He looked worriedly at Jem, trying to estimate how much of the drug would be necessary tonight.

His parabatai was white as chalk, the only color in his face spilling across his cheekbones from the fever. The breaths coming from the bed were laced with pain and ragged, as if it was taking an extreme effort to simply keep breathing. Scarlet stained his hands and a streak ran through his hair where he must've pushed it off his face.

Will's mouth twisted into a frown as he spooned what he hoped was enough of the fine silver powder into a glass of water and let it settle. He took a handkerchief from his waistcoat pocket and gently cleaned the blood from Jem's hands, kissing his fingertips as he did so.

"I'm sorry," Jem exhaled quietly, eyes closed.

Will lightly kissed his forehead, wanting to cringe from the heat. "What for?"

"This." Jem's voice was unsteady. "All of it."

"James, I've told you this a hundred times: it's not your fault, and it is not a burden to me. You are not a burden to me," Will said quietly as he set the cloth on the bedside table. "Besides," he added, "I don't mind taking care of you."

Jem managed a grateful smile before coughing weakly into his sleeve, his strength obviously slipping away. Will looked sadly at him before taking the glass of the yin fen and helping Jem sit up as far as the pain allowed him. Jem leaned heavily on Will for support, even just sitting up.

Will held the cup to Jem's lips, one arm wrapped around his waist to steady him. "Here. Drink this."

Jem made a small noise of displeasure, but did as he was told and reluctantly drained the glass.

Will set the glass back on the table and focused his attention on his parabatai. Jem's shoulders were still tense, anticipating another wave of coughing to hit any moment. Will, trying not to upset the mattress and hurt him further, lay beside him and gently held him.

He could feel how tense Jem was in his arms- a wire, pulled taut and ready to break. Will ran his fingers lightly down his arm, trying to undo the tension in every line of Jem's posture. He attempted to comfort him with little whispers of "I'm sorry" and "Soon, it will be better soon" and "I love you."

The words seemed lost on Jem in his present state, though he clung to the sound of Will's voice like a lifeline. Will could see Jem was depending on the very words he spoke, so he continued to speak in a steady, quiet voice, praying that the storm would pass.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Jem whispered, eyes closed as he curled up to Will's chest.

Will felt himself smile, stroking his hair softly. "You were yourself," he murmured. "I love you."

"And I love you," the elder boy sighed.

"Get some rest," Will said quietly.

Jem opened his mouth to respond, but began to cough harshly again. He turned his head quickly away from Will, shifting and creating a small gap between them.

Will's heart ached even from this simple action. He knew it was foolish, knew Jem's intentions were not born of something cruel, but he still felt hurt.

With gentle movements, he pulled Jem back to his chest, feeling his thin frame shudder violently as the uncontrollable coughing took over.

Jem tipped his face up so Will was looking directly into pale silver eyes. "I'm going... to get blood... on your shirt," Jem warned between coughs.

Will almost laughed. Of all things Jem could be worried about right now, he would be worried about Will's shirt. "I don't care," he assured Jem, and held the other boy close while he coughed and shivered and gasped. The minutes seemed to drag on endlessly while Jem was in pain, until Will thought he might go insane with the feeling of his own uselessness.

Both had long lost track of time when Jem's breath deepened and the coughing trailed off. Will glanced down, and smiled to see his silver-haired beauty asleep against his chest. Jem was still shivering, as if he were freezing despite his high fever. Stifling a yawn himself, Will pulled the blanket over the two of them and finally allowed his eyes to close. Jem's heartbeat was a steady rhythm now against Will's chest, and Will allowed himself to be lulled to sleep by the comforting regularity of it.

"Just another bad spell," Will murmured. "We'll get through it."

Jem shifted against his chest, restless and half-awake. "We always do."

Will smiled. "And we always will."


	5. Something To Believe In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This started off as a post I made on tumblr and it turned into this real quick. This is a bonus chapter for anyone who reads it on here haha it's not on wattpad yet. So basically, it's an all-human AU in which Will doesn't want to be at a Broadway show... until James Carstairs comes on stage.
> 
> (and YES okay, Jem is in Newsies as Jack Kelly. I love him and I love that musical plus I had the soundtrack playing while I wrote this in the past hour and a half)

Will, utterly frustrated with his younger sister Cecily, sat in the marked seat at the theater, huffing in annoyance. 

“Oh, come on, Will, stop being such a downer. This is supposed to be, like, one of the greatest musicals ever! Tessa couldn’t stop raving about it,” Cecily said happily, practically bouncing in her seat with excitement. 

“I,” Will said decidedly, “do not want to be here. I don’t see the point in wasting two and a half hours here, plus driving time since you were too giggly to drive in a straight line.”

“I was not!”

“You most certainly were.”

Just as Cecily opened her mouth to retort, the lights dimmed and she smacked Will’s arm. “Shhhh! It’s starting!”

“Ow,” he whisper-yelled. “You brat.”

“Shhh!”

Will rolled his eyes and focused his attention on the stage. There were two actors on it, both male, one with a crutch in his hand as he tried to move down the ladder. And the other one finally turned after a moment, his face moving from shadow into light, and- 

Oh.

_Oh._

He was beautiful. Not just cute or good-looking. Beautiful. 

Hair as dark as Will’s own, eyes brown, but flecked with what looked like silver under the lights, strong and toned yet slim and willowy frame… Will was so entranced that the dialogue flew over his head until he heard the orchestra begin to play softly. This beautiful actor crossed the stage, navigating the set with ease, until he stood center, facing out to the audience and staring at some point over their heads. 

Will wasn’t sure what was going on, until-

_“They say folks is dyin’ to get here… Me, I’m dyin’ to get away. To a little town out west that’s spankin’ new…”_

He began the slow opening lyrics to the song in a noticeable New York accent. Will couldn’t tell if it was real or not, but it was adorable. He listened, letting it wash over him, sweet and slow until his voice picked up power and became a presence, filling the theater with a real longing. 

_“There’s a life that’s worth the living, and I’m gonna do my share. Work the land, chase the sun, swim the whole Rio Grande just for fun!”_

Will found himself smiling and was grateful for the darkness hiding his face from Cecily. And with that, he found himself lost in the play, eyes tracking the beautiful face and voice of this unknown boy. 

And then came a song, “Carrying the Banner”, he thought the program said, and they all began to dance. 

He had never seen someone dance like that so effortlessly, all the while belting out note after perfect note. Will, a bit embarrassed at how much he resembled a teenage girl at this moment, actually felt chills creep up his arms as he laughed along with the audience at a particularly sarcastic line. 

He leaned in and nudged Cecily lightly, who refused to take her eyes off the stage. 

“Who’s that guy?”

“Which guy? There’s like fifteen on stage.”

Will was about to say ‘the cute one’ when said cute one took center stage again and stole the number with another one-liner. 

_“So I hate the headline, I’ll make up a headline, and I’ll say anything I hafta, 'cause at two for a penny, if I take too many, Weasel just makes me eat 'em after!”_ Will’s smile broadened at the saucy wink he threw the audience. 

“The one that just sang.”

“Jack Kelly, he’s the leader of the newsies. He’s the lead role, I think.”

Will scoffed to keep appearances and settled back in his seat. If this mysterious actor was the lead, he’d watch this show all day. 

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

The first act flew by in cute smiles, flirtatious smiles, and awe-inspiring vocals and dancing. 

God, Will didn’t even know this guy and he already had a not-small crush on him. This was madness.

When the lights finally came back on for intermission, Will flipped his playbill opened, pouring over it looking for this actor. 

Cecily nudged his shoulder. “I’m going to the ladies’ room.”

Will simply nodded, running his finger down the page. “Jack Kelly… Jack Kelly… Who’s playing Jack Kelly…” he murmured, stopping triumphantly at a section entitled “Meet the Cast”.

**James 'Jem’ Carstairs is honored to be leading this Newsies revival tour as the dynamic Jack Kelly! Other than a handful of small supporting roles on stage and major contributions with his violin in the orchestra pit, this is Jem’s big breakout role.**

**“I honestly think Newsies has been my favorite stage experience since day one of auditions. I never dreamed I’d be leading it, but it’s time to seize the day!”- J.C. on his experience on Disney’s Newsies ******

Will couldn’t help grinning at the quote. “Seize the Day” had been a song in Act One, which Jem and the other lead, Will didn't know his name, had naturally stolen the audience’s hearts with. 

Looking at the cover of the playbill with Jem frozen midair, grinning widely with a paper in hand, newsboy cap crooked and low over his face, Will leaned back in his seat as Cecily hastily sat back down just as lights dimmed once more. 

He was definitely looking forward to Act Two. 

****~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~** **

Will wasn’t disappointed. Act Two was full of so much action and insane dancing and Good God that voice was sent from Heaven itself. 

At one particularly interesting back-and-forth between the two male leads, the entire audience was on the verge of laughter or something bigger at Jem’s sarcastic, almost affronted yet somehow disheartened, replies. 

On stage, Dave stepped forward and tried once more. _“So here’s how it goes once we win, and we will be winning, make no mistake-”_

_“We’ll be what??”_

_“We’re already winning.”_

_“Riiight.”_

_“And we’ll tell 'em, straight out, they let Crutchie go or they keep getting pounded!”_

Jack/Jem’s reply did not fall short of expectations. 

_“Dave, what the hell? Did they bust up your brains or something’? As I recall, Dave, we all got our asses kicked. They won!”_

_“Won the battle!”_

_“Oh COME ON!”_

The song and play went on, but Will was too busy fantasizing about possible scenarios between he and James Carstairs to pay terribly close attention

But he noticed anything that involved Jack Kelly on that stage.)

****~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~** **

Altogether too soon, the show was over, and curtain call had begun. Their seats, at Cecily’s insistence had been costly, but that meant they were close enough to see facial expressions on the actors as they came out to take their bows

And maybe- just maybe- close enough for the actors to see them

Practically thrumming with impatience, Will’s leg bounced as all the actors came on stage one by one and took a bow to generous applause and cheers. 

Finally, Jem, cap in hand, bounded onto stage and spun twice, leaping into the air and mimicking his position on the playbill. As he landed neatly, arms raised, Will was seized with an absurd idea. 

Well, Carstairs seemed to be looking this way anyways. May as well go for it. 

Making his movements extremely obvious, Will stood, applauding furiously, and whooped. Cecily followed suit, cheering her appreciation. The whole crowd quickly followed suit, until this beautiful boy was absolutely beaming at a standing ovation all for him. Bowing again when the applause surged upwards, he stood and blew a kiss to the crowd, winking, though his vision seemed trained on one particular seat in the front row. 

Will felt his heart rate increased twofold. He was nearly certain that look and that wink were aimed at the very least in his vicinity. 

Stepping back, Jem took the hands of the two actors on either side of him and brought them all forward. As they all bowed once more, Will felt his heart pang at the thought of never seeing Jem again. 

He was beautiful, talented, positive in his quotes, and so grateful and humble. Will had never said two words to him in person, but he already wanted something more for the two of them. Maybe it was just infatuation, but something about this felt deeper… more real. 

As the heavy curtain clicked shut and the lights came on for the final time, Will allowed himself to be herded out of the theater with the hundreds of other audience members. 

Cecily was tugging his arm excitedly. “Wasn’t that an incredible show? I loved it! It was just… brilliant!” 

Will nodded. “Yeah, that was good.” He almost chuckled at the enormous understatement that was- he’d watch it every day. 

Cecily was absolutely beaming. “C'mon, sometimes if you go around back, the cast will be out there to sign playbills and take photos and whatever! Let’s go check!” 

Will grumbled in protest as Cecily pulled him along, but inwardly his heart was racing. Could he actually meet Jem? James? Jack? Wait, what was he supposed to call him? Jack was his character’s name, but Jem sounded too casual, like a nickname… but it had been in the playbill… 

Will was conflicted, to say the least. 

When they arrived out back, the boys were indeed sitting out there, behind a low railing just high enough to be an obstacle but low enough to not interfere with pictures. Jem was sitting on the railing, laughing as one of the other boys stole his cap and ruffled his hair. 

“Oi, your hair looks different,” one actor called. 

“Yeah, darker.” 

“Ya know, Jem, I think I preferred the silver streaks.” 

“Tell that to the director,” Jem laughed, snatching his cap and setting back casually on his head. “Jack’s supposed to be seventeen, not seventy." 

The entire cast cracked up again, teasing and joking until Jem noticed the group of about forty people who’d had the same thought as Cecily. 

“Come on over, you lot,” Jem called kindly. “We don’t bite.” The accent, Will noted, had been fake. There was a trace of an English accent, with something very foreign underneath. 

“Except for Davey over here!” 

One of the boys bit the air in Jem’s general direction, winking. Jem rolled his eyes and turned to the group, good-naturedly posing for pictures and signing playbills. 

Will heard him remark to one person, “Why on earth do you want my autograph? Seems like more trouble than its worth.” That being said, he signed it and posed for what felt like a hundred pictures until Will and Cecily were the only ones left standing there. 

Cecily, shameless as always, rushed right up to the entire cast and gushed, taking pictures and passing her playbill around, beaming all the while. 

Will, however, decided on a more subtle approach. He leaned on the railing casually, eyes on his sister, but oh so conveniently right next to where Jem happened to be sitting. 

Jem raised an eyebrow. “That’s a bold statement.” 

“It’s true.” 

Jem looked at him for a moment, then his face broke into ecstatic recognition. “It was you. You stood up when I took my bow.” 

“Well, technically, the whole theater stood up…” 

Jem laughed again, a light, happy sound Will loved. “I mean, you stood up first. You… you gave me a standing ovation.” 

“You deserved your standing ovation. I’ve never seen someone sing and dance that impressively and look so good doing it.” 

Jem blushed faintly across his cheekbones, though Will supposed it could have been the exertion from the last two hours or so. 

“Well, thank you. That really meant the world to me, and it was sweet of you." 

"I’m Will, by the way.” 

“Nice to meet you. I’m Jem, if you didn’t see that in the playbill already. And thank you again." 

“No problem,” Will replied. “So, up for one more picture and playbill?” 

Jem gave an easy smile. “For you, sure.” 

They took several pictures, Jem smiling in one, tilting his hat and thumb in his vest pocket in another, and laughing in a couple. 

Will got pictures and signatures from the other members as well- because honestly, they were all fantastic- and was walking away a bit sadly when he heard Jem call his name. He turned, raising an eyebrow. 

“Don’t start singing love songs on me now,” Will teased, though he suspected he wouldn’t mind. 

Jem grinned. “Your playbill,” he said, “I never signed it.” 

Will tossed it back to him, and he quickly scribbled something more than his name down before closing it and tossing it back. 

“I’ve got to go, unfortunately. It was nice meeting you, Will. Maybe I’ll catch you at another show someday?” 

“I’ll be there,” Will said with a smile as Jem slipped back inside, whistling a tune. 

As he walked down the sidewalk, he opened his playbill curiously. 

There was a standard signature, just _**Jem Carstairs**_ **in neat yet somehow flourished writing, but it was the message underneath that made Cecily question his sanity when he grinned and sighed softly.**

 ****_I loved meeting you, and I’d like to do it again sometime. Grab dinner with me next time I’m in town when I come home after tour? Just call me. -Jem xx_ ** **

**

And there, neatly beneath the message and underlined twice, was a phone number. 

Will was humming musical numbers all the way home. 

**


	6. Cute Little Prompt Things

Some of these are mine, some of these I remember seeing on tumblr or something. Comment your favorite and it will be written!! 

1\. Will tickling Jem to the point of begging for mercy when he's feeling down just to hear him laugh. 

2\. Jem waking Will up by whispering 'quack' in his ear, and then running from the room cursing in Mandarin bc Will is chasing him with threats. 

3\. Kidfic where Charlotte keeps finding them asleep like puppies in various parts of the institute. 

4\. Will and Jem finding the demon that killed Jem's parents and killing it and Jem seems fine, if a little shaken, until the next morning when Will can't find him. 

5\. "I'll pretend to be your bf because you looked hella uncomfortable with that girl hitting on you" AU 

6\. Training that eventually just turns into making out bc they're teenage boys and don't know how to focus 

7\. Florist/tattoo artist AU but take whoever would obviously be which one and switch them 

8\. "You keep playing your violin in the practice room by the college library and it may or may not have become my new favorite thing" AU 

9\. "It's two am and I'm in the airport bc my flight got canceled and I'm hella bored" AU 

10\. "this was originally a dare to see if I could get you in my bed but now I really like you dammit" AU 

11\. "I have finals and you're being very rudely distracting with your freaking bedroom eyes" AU 

12\. Jem being weirdly silent on the sixth anniversary of his parents dying but Will's a doorknob and can't figure out why the heck he's so sad on that day 

13\. Jem refusing to admit he's not feeling well on an overnight mission and then he gets hurt in a fight two days from home 

14\. Will coming home stone cold drunk and being very affectionate but Jem is tired af and having none of his nonsense 

15\. "you always come into the bookstore I work at and you're hella cute" AU 

16\. First kiss and neither one knows what the freak they're doing but it's cute anyways 

17\. "Platonic living together except it's not actually platonic bc I really am actually in love with you" AU 

18\. "Doctor/patient" AU 

19\. "my friend set me up on a blind date with you" AU 

20\. Will dragging Jem out for a drink one night and being very, very surprised when Jem can hold his liquor better than Will can 

21\. "We got into this cab at the same time" AU 

22\. "we have to share a table at this coffee shop bc it's really crowded for like four days in a row" AU 

23\. Will and Jem literally running into each other in the hall and tripping for like ten feet ending up in a very compromising position 

24\. "It's late and you looked sad all day so please just come dance with me to our favorite song in the kitchen in our pajamas" AU 

25\. Will and Jem sneaking out to the roof but it's too cold and one of them has to sneak back inside for a blanket

26\. Modern-day Heronstairs + "do it for the vine" 

27\. Will being a YouTube star and incredibly popular on other social media bc of that and only being able to meet up with Jem at the weirdest times 

28\. "I came home from the longest day of my life and my boyfriend was snuggling my cat he claims to hate" AU 

29\. Opposing sides of a war AU 

30\. King and servant who's name the king doesn't even know AU 

31\. "You are generally the most collected, calm, sweet person ever but I found you crying on a high rooftop wtf" AU 

32\. Jem teaching Will to ride a horse and they end up doing dumb little competitions all day 

33\. Charlotte has no idea why the heck Sophie looks so scandalized after cleaning Will's room 

34\. One of them forgot about the other's birthday until the literal night before 

35\. "Will I am going to file divorce papers if you sing 'let it go' in this apartment one more time" AU 

36\. Will and Jem getting sent on an overnight mission to Scotland or something and they get lost 

37\. "You looked sick today so I took the day off so we could snuggle and watch old Disney movies" AU 

38\. "I got your drink at the coffee shop and it was not what I was expecting at all" AU

39\. Jem sassing Gabriel bc he was rude to Will and surprising everyone 

40\. One of them using the phrase "oh, bite me" in an argument and the other one just quips "just tell me where, sweetheart" really sarcastically and then they get distracted 

41\. Will going out of his way to get annoying songs stuck in Jem's head while he's trying to study AU

42\. "Cross-country train ride" AU

43\. Will and Jem having literally the most ridiculous and pointless little contests while training that always end in laughter 

44\. "Broadway actor/ star struck audience member" AU 

45\. Jem having to get surgery and Will fussing and taking care of him for like a week and reassuring his unspoken insecurities about the scar AU

46\. Jem surprising the crap out of Will and picking him up in a bridal carry after one too many jokes about how thin he's become just to prove a point 

47\. Will refusing to speak anything but Welsh all day and Jem eventually tuning him out 

48\. Kissing in the snow 

49\. "We're both really really horrible ice skaters and now my wrist is sprained" (AU or canonverse) 

50\. Jem finds a little black notebook full of poems Will wrote about him when they were kids


	7. Maybe

_Maybe it was the first moment he saw him. The way Jem had not backed down from Will's sarcasm and cruelty, but had stood his ground politely. Stubbornly. The way Jem handed his dagger to Will without hesitation, asking to train with him._

_The way Jem showed off his (far superior) throwing skills just enough to get Will's attention but nowhere near enough to be aggravating._

_The way he'd accepted Will's threat of using him for target practice with a smile and faintly sarcastic remark._

_The way sparks flew when their hands brushed_.

Will shook his head. It hadn't been that time, they'd been too young for it to be love, at least at the depth he felt it now. Then when had it been?

_Maybe it was the first time he had heard Jem play the violin. The first time he had really seen true emotion in Jem, or at least in Jem's music. The first time Jem had played the notes of his soul and the song of his heart and wanted Will to hear it._

_The first time Will had seen that the violin left a gentle mark on his throat. The first time his hand had been shaking slightly when he finally opened his eyes and stared at Will, waiting for a reaction. Hoping._

_The first time Jem had blushed when Will had asked who it had been written for._

Will sighed, exasperated. He didn't think it had been that night either, when he'd truly fallen for Jem. Then, by the Angel, when was it?

_Maybe it was the first time they had truly trained together. Will had noticed little things about Jem that day- little things he adored now. He saw that Jem was so slender he almost looked fragile... Until you saw him fight. He saw the hard cording of muscle stretched taut over Jem's willowy frame. He saw how Jem was that annoying quarter of an inch taller._

_He saw how strong Jem's life had made him already, at twelve years old._

_He saw the way Jem's eyes danced when Will did something right. He saw the force with which Jem held his shoulders to a straight line, ill or healthy. He saw how one wrong breath could cast that pride from him._

_He saw how fragile strength was, in its own way, that day._

Will groaned, frustrated. Good God, this was important. Why couldn't he figure it out? That hadn't been it either.

_Maybe it was when he saw how far his expansive kindness reached. He could feel it- everyone around him could._

_The gentle aura of acceptance to everyone. The heart-melting smile he offered. The bright sound of his laughter. The way Jem could make anyone feel at ease. The ease with which he lit up a room. The sweet, giving nature of his soul._

_The blush and the modest refusal he would give if told anything good about himself._

_The secretive little smile that was for Will and Will alone_.

Will paced the library, borderline insane from trying to figure this out. He didn't think it was quite then, either. But when in God's name had it been?

_Maybe it was when Will first heard Jem tell him not to look for a cure because he didn't want him to get hurt._

_Maybe it was the first time Jem had broken down and needed Will to hold him and save him._

_Maybe it was all the times Jem had done that for Will._

_Maybe it was when Will saw how Jem could still smile when he was dying._

_Maybe it was when the stubborn fool had insisted on pausing to save the cat._

_Maybe it was when Jem had stood up to Gabriel Lightwood for him in front of everyone, before Will even had a chance to react._

_Maybe it was when Will had snapped at him and he'd still been there the next morning._

_Maybe it was when Will truly thought he had lost him and had to think how painful that was._

_Maybe it was..._

The object of Will's wandering thoughts slipped into the library and wrapped gentle arms around his waist, kissing his cheek before whispering in his ear. "What are you thinking about?"

"I was trying to figure out when exactly I fell so desperately in love with you."

A raised eyebrow. "Oh? And what have you concluded?"

"I was trying to find one instance when you made me fall for you, but I couldn't. I couldn't find just one because every moment I ever spent with you, every new thing I discovered about you, every word you ever spoke, every emotion I ever saw you feel, every moment since you walked into my life has only increased my love for you."

_Maybe it was everything he'd thought of, everything he hadn't, and every breath in between._

_Maybe he was overthinking things- maybe it was simply James Carstairs being himself._

_Maybe._


	8. A Battle Gone Wrong

Will's vision exploded in a burst of color and pain. A metallic flash flew by his ear as Jem threw his dagger directly into the demon's chest.

Will staggered and fell to the floor. His vision was blurring as he saw Jem kneel in front of him.

"Will, look at me. Look at me. We have to get you back home, okay? I'll help you stand up. Come here," he murmured soothingly, wrapping his arms around Will's shoulders.

Will nodded, vision dancing. "What happened?" His voice sounded off, even to his own ears.

"Demon hit you in the head with its tail... and cut you with the spike. You're bleeding fairly badly, but it should heal up alright if we get you home," Jem said worriedly, peering at him.

"I'm fine, James, you needn't fuss so much," Will said, hearing his own voice slur a little.

Jem opened his mouth to reply, but Will did not hear his words. All he could see was the demon about to attack his parabatai... who was so busy worrying about Will he was not looking behind him.

"Jem, look out!" Will cried, tackling him just as the demon pounced. They hit the floor with a loud thump, and Will heard Jem mutter what sounded suspiciously like a swear under his breath as his head slammed against the floor painfully.

He didn't have time to worry before the demon hissed an unintelligible string of curses and sprung forward once more. Will threw himself over Jem, shielding him as best he could with his own body.

The weight of demon on his back was the first thing Will could feel, and he was only aware of the panic in his heart that the thing might get to Jem, might hurt his Jem.

Then came the pain. The searing, incredible pain as the demon tore at his back and torso with its claws, hissing and screeching. A scream tore through the air loudly and it was all too much, _too much_ with the pain, the weight, the panic, the scream tearing from his own throat.

"Will, you idiot, _move_ for God's sake," Jem said, struggling to move to protect Will. There was a fear in his voice Will had never heard there before, not even at the darkest days of Jem's illness.

It was a fear for Will.

Will could form no response to this, could barely process the demand, but he shifted enough so Jem's throwing arm was freed. He yanked a dagger from his belt, but the demon saw his movement and sliced a claw at him, knocking the dagger from his hands. With a quiet string of Mandarin curses, Jem dove after it.

The demon lunged after him, teeth bared and ready to attack as Jem scrambled to his feet, weaponless, backing away as the creature advanced.

_'Protect him. Protect Jem. Don't let him get hurt_ ,' Will thought fiercely to himself as his hand closed slowly around the hilt of his seraph blade. _'Don't let anything hurt him._ ' The thoughts were the only thing propelling him to keep moving because everything hurt. He just wanted it to go away.

Ignoring the violent protests of his wounds, Will shoved himself to a standing position and named the blade under his breath.

"Jem!" he cried out, voice a pained slur, "Get down!"

Jem looked at him and hit the floor without a second's pause. Will whipped his arm toward the demon, and the blade sailed home, sinking into the demon's chest. The beast exploded in a shower of stinking ichor, and Will felt satisfaction pulse through his chest.

Then the room spun as the floor rushed up to meet him. The world went black.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

Will could feel himself lying on something soft, knew he must be back in the Institute, but he was seeing green hills and lakes as blue as his eyes, lazy white clouds drifting across the sky.

He was seeing home.

Ella was there, just as he remembered her, running and laughing hand in hand with a smaller, dark-haired girl. Cecily could barely keep up with her older sister, but she tried valiantly.

He ran over to them, heart racing with excitement at seeing his sisters again. He ran and ran until he stood in front of them, and the girls stopped in their tracks.

"Ella... Cecily... it's me, William. Your brother."

The girls looked at him steadily and said nothing.

"Don't you remember me?" he beseeched. "It's me! Eich brawd . Rydym yn arfer chwarae gyda'i gilydd, cyn ..." The Welsh rolled off his tongue naturally when speaking to the girls.

_**Your brother. We used to play together, before...** _

"Before you left us, and killed me," Ella hissed angrily, pulling Cecily behind, her as if she needed to be protected from Will. "Before you destroyed everything. You are no brother of ours. You're a monster."

Will surged forward and wrapped his arms around Ella, and she screamed. Not of surprise or anger, but pain.

Will looked at her and gasped in horror. She was becoming how he'd last seen her- deformed with the effects of his curse. Killed because of him.

Ella choked out a final word in his arms. "Diafol!"

_**Devil.** _

Cecily ran from him, screaming and sobbing, and Will stood rooted to the spot. Guilt, pain, grief, anger at the demon who'd cursed him swirled inside him until he thought he might explode with it all.

Then everything became too much and the world blissfully returned to black. The dark seemed to go on forever, broken only by long stretches of pain and a broken voice calling his name.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

When he was next aware of his surroundings, he was looking down at a bed. There were only two people in the room- one lying, unconscious, on the bed and the other sitting in a chair beside the bed.

With a jolt, he recognized the figures. It was him in the bed, and Jem beside it.

_'Am I dying?_ ' Will thought _. 'Looking down at myself?'_

Jem, Will realized, was staring at him with so much intense worry etched onto those delicate features Will thought he would break from the force of it.

Jem looked awful. There were dark circles under his eyes, a tremor in his hands, and he was sitting gingerly, as if he'd been injured but had done nothing to treat it. Will wanted to wrap his arms around him and tell him he was okay, and not to worry anymore.

"Will..." Jem's voice was shaky. "Please. The Silent Brothers said if you don't wake up in the next day or two, you might never. Please wake up. Come back to me."

With a shuddering exhale, Jem folded his arms on the edge of the bed and put his head atop them. He was murmuring softly in Mandarin, gently taking Will's hand in his own. Somehow, Will could understand him in this dream-like state.

_This is my fault._

_You were hurt trying to protect me._

_Don't die. Not for me._

_You aren't supposed to be the one who's dying, Will._

_I love you. Come back to me._

_Will. I love you._

Will couldn't tell if Jem was repeating the soft phrases that held so much guilt and pain, or if they were echoing around his brain as he fell back into the blackness.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

When Will opened his eyes again, it took him a moment to realize the situation. He was in his bed in the Institute, and he was awake. Not those odd, dream-like stages of awareness- awake and aware of the pain in his head and back, the stiffness of his limbs, and another presence in the room.

He turned his head slightly, wincing at the movement. Jem was seated in the chair beside the bed, and he looked just as he had when Will had seen him in his.. whatever it was.

His eyes were momentarily closed, but Will could tell he was not asleep. A hand covered his eyes, and he drew in a deep breath before dropping the hand and opening his eyes.

Seeing brilliant blue eyes pinned on him, Jem froze.

"Will?" he asked, almost disbelievingly.

"Jem..." Will croaked, voice hoarse from disuse for however long he'd been out.

Jem gave a relieved sigh and his posture relaxed considerably. "Thank God."

"Now, now, it wasn't God who stayed so diligently by my bedside as I know you have," Will teased.

Jem's lips curved upwards into a small smile. "True."

"How long have I been unconscious?" Will asked curiously.

That wiped the smile off Jem's face. "About a week. You had me really worried, Will. I had no idea if you were ever going to wake up."

"I wouldn't leave you that easily," Will said softly, seeing the pain in Jem's eyes.

"You are never leaving me," Jem whispered. "And we will be having a long talk about how foolish it was to take a fatal risk for someone who is dying when you are better."

Will tried to protest Jem's word choice, but Jem cut him off by leaning forward and kissing him very gently on the lips.

Will made a startled noise of approval and wrapped an arm clumsily around Jem's waist to draw him closer. At the contact, Jem winced as if hurt. He tried to cover it up, but Will pulled away and looked at him firmly.

"Are you hurt, James?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Jem said hastily.

"Shirt off. Now." Will's voice left no room for argument, so Jem reluctantly pulled his shirt over his head, wincing again at the motion.

And Will could see why. Jem turned slightly so Will could see his back, and he had to fight back a gasp. 

Ichor burns swirled down Jem's back and arms, some reaching around his chest. Though somewhat faded, they stood out starkly against Jem's unusually pale skin.

"How did you get these?" Will asked slowly.

"I was still on the floor when the thing exploded. I didn't have time to move, and I was too close. Then you collapsed and I had other things to worry about," Jem said evenly.

"And you've done nothing about them for a week?" Will demanded.

Jem paused. "Yes. I suppose I forgot."

"How could you forget you were burned this badly?" Will said furiously. A thousand more questions raced through his mind. Was Jem eating? Had he slept at all? Was he taking the drug?

"I was worried about you!" Jem exclaimed. "You very nearly didn't wake up, William, and that thought terrified me enough that I was no longer concerned about something as trivial as a few ichor burns." His voice fell back to its usual quiet pitch, though it retained its passion. "I cared not for myself when your fate was uncertain. Even now, you are badly hurt. The poison is no longer there, but you are physically wounded, and will be for several weeks."

Will sat in stunned silence for a moment. He wanted to be upset with Jem about this, but he knew he would've done the same had their roles been reversed. Jem would be forgiven.

"Well," he smirked, taking Jem's hand in his own, "I suppose you will have to play nursemaid for a few weeks, if you don't mind."

Jem kissed his fingertips lightly, making Will shiver. "I don't mind taking care of you for once. Lord knows you've done it enough for me."

"I'm not sorry, by the way," Will said suddenly.

Jem looked absolutely confused. "What?"

"For getting hurt in protecting you. I know you were going to be upset with me about that, but I'm not sorry," Will insisted stubbornly.

Jem sighed slowly. "I am grateful that you protected me, but it was a foolish idea. You could have died-"

"I would die for you in a heartbeat, surely you know that."

"I do know that. But it is not a good idea to die for someone who is already dying, William. You would be sacrificing your life- a full, long life you have only just started living- for perhaps another year of mine," Jem said firmly, eyes flicking away.

Will felt his eyes tear up, much as he tried to fight them back. "Please don't talk like that."

Jem looked at Will in surprise. "Okay," he agreed, catching Will by surprise. "We won't."

"Good," Will said, flinching at the spike of pain across his back from left shoulder to right hip. "Ouch."

"Can you turn a little?" Jem asked, helping Will roll enough so he could tend to his back.

A stele was set against his skin, and Jem traced an assortment of healing runes there before helping Will back to his original position and tending to the wound on his head.

When both had been looked at and the pain had dissipated, Will yawned. He was exhausted, despite having done nothing. His week of unconsciousness had not been at all restful.

Jem smiled and pulled the blankets up to Will's chest. "Get some sleep, my love. You need it."

Will wrapped his hand around Jem's wrist. "Stay with me." The desire for Jem that he'd felt since waking was finally emerging strongly, pushing aside the worry and the pain of his wounds.

"I would never leave," Jem reassured him, dropping a light kiss to his nose.

"No, I mean..." Will wondered at his own hesitance. He had never been this flustered asking a simple question. "Stay in bed with me."

Jem looked slightly worried. "I don't want to hurt you. Your back..."

"You won't," Will said, nearly begging.

Jem smiled. "Okay." He moved from the chair- for one of the only times in the week, Will suspected- until he was lying beside Will, arms around him.

Will curled up to Jem's chest, breathing in the smell of burnt sugar and fresh air and Jem. His Jem.

"I love you," Will murmured, eyes slipping shut.

A quiet laugh vibrated in Jem's chest as slim fingers threaded through dark curls. "And I love you. Don't ever scare me like that again."

Will made a contented noise in the back of his throat as Jem kissed the top of his head.

The pain was still there as Will drifted off to sleep, the ache in his muscles around his injuries, the sharp pain when he moved too far, but he overwhelming feeling he felt was one of happiness as he lay in Jem's arms.

_'Protecting him,_ ' Will thought tiredly, _'is worth it.'_


	9. Merry Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm aware it's almost August. Shhhh. Anyways, I wrote this around Christmas time last year, and... yikes. It's a bit of a mess. Maybe this Christmas, Will and Jem will get it together and have a properly written celebration. 
> 
> (Just kidding, it's my fault because I can't write.)

"I need someone to accompany me shopping," Jessamine announced at the breakfast table.

Charlotte and Henry exchanged a wary glance. "Why, Jessie?" Charlotte asked, still looking suspicious. No one wanted to be the one to chaperone Jessamine on one of her absurd shopping trips.

Jessamine tossed her hair. "I need a new holiday dress before your ridiculous party, of course. I cannot wear the same one I wore last year."

"Oh, of course not," Will muttered mockingly. Jessamine tossed him a dark look before continuing.

"And, it must be one of you... _gentleman_ ," she said, lacing the last word with sarcasm. "It is most improper for a lady to go about unchaperoned at this time of year."

Charlotte, Tessa, and Sophie all exhaled imperceptibly in relief. Will and Henry exchanged a brief look of panic before speaking.

"Sorry, Jessie, but I have party preparations to make," Henry said, looking at Charlotte to back him up. She nodded supportively.

"Fine," Jessamine huffed. "Will?"

"No," Will said flatly.

"Why not?" she demanded.

"Jessamine, do you really want to spend that much time with me?" he asked, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, a smirk flirting with his lips.

She pursed her lips. "No, I do not, but I do need someone to come with me."

"What about Jem?" Henry said quickly. Tessa hid her grin behind her hand, amused by Henry's eagerness.

"Where is he?" Jessamine asked, eyes lighting up.

"I sent him to run an errand for me. He should be back any minute..." Charlotte trailed off as the front door of the Institute opened. A few moments later, Jem walked into the dining room.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully.

"No trouble with the errand, I hope?" Charlotte asked.

"None at all," he replied.

Will pulled out a chair beside him and motioned for Jem to sit down. As Jem sat, Jessamine flashed him her sweetest smile. Tessa and Charlotte both rolled their eyes.

"Jem, would you do me a favor? I would be ever so grateful."

Jem raised his eyebrows slightly at Jessamine's unusual sweetness. "What is it?"

"I need someone to come shopping with me, and all the others have made some horrible excuse," she said, staring pointedly at Henry, "or simply refused altogether." The last phrase was aimed at Will.

Jem gave a resigned sigh. "It would be my pleasure."

"Splendid. I'll be ready in just a moment," she said, flouncing out of the room.

As soon as she went, Jem looked around the table. "Who volunteered me for this?"

Will pointed at Henry quickly, and everyone else nodded.

Jem groaned and dropped his head to his hands. "Henry, you have betrayed me. I don't know if I can ever trust you again."

"Better you than me," Henry said simply, not looking up from his eggs. "You're the least likely to tell her off if she is annoying you."

"You mean when she's annoying him," Will grinned. Jem smacked his arm playfully.

"After so much practice with you, she shouldn't bother me at all," Jem teased, earning himself a glare.

Jessamine walked into the room, purse dangling from her arm. "Come on, let's go."

Jem sighed quietly and stood up. "Coming, Jessie," he said pleasantly. As he made to leave, Will caught his wrist and pulled him closer.

"I love you. I'll see you when you come home," he whispered in Jem's ear.

Jem nodded, laughing to keep up pretenses, but winking at Will as he left after Jessamine. "Love you," he mouthed over Charlotte's head on his way out the door.

As they heard the door slam shut, Henry finally looked up from his breakfast plate. "Poor Jem," he mused, "she's unbearable on these trips."

"It was your idea to send him off on this maddening journey," Will protested.

Henry grinned at him. "His patience far exceeds any of ours."

"No one has enough patience for Jessamine's holiday shopping," Charlotte said, shaking her head. "Now let's go, we have to prepare for the Christmas party."

~•~•~• ⭐️several hours later⭐️ •~•~•~

Will had just finished helping Charlotte with the last of the decorating when the heavy door of the Institute swung open. Jessamine's chatter could be heard even from the library, along with Jem's -far quieter- noncommittal murmurs in answer. She swept up to her room, bags and goods in hand, calling for Sophie to help arrange her hair.

"Will?" Jem's voice called softly from the hall as he drew nearer.

"Library," Will responded, settling in an armchair.

Jem stepped inside, giving a Will a stern look. "You know, I'm debating whether you and I or Henry and I are on speaking terms."

Will grinned. "How was shopping?"

Jem sank to the floor at Will's feet with a groan, resting his temple against Will's knee. "I am never doing that again."

"Oh, come now, didn't you enjoy the bonding time with our lovely Jessie?" Will teased, carding his fingers through Jem's hair.

"No, I did not. She's absolutely unbearable when she shops." Jem sounded exhausted, but Will could hear the faint smile in his voice.

"You could have ended that sentence after 'unbearable'," Will put in. Jem tilted his head back to peer up at Will, a smile curving his lips.

"Come now, Will, it's Christmas. Try to be a little more charitable," Jem chided softly, looking up at him with love in his bright silver eyes.

Will was suddenly possessed by a fierce desire to kiss him. He was so perfect, sitting there content to be near Will, looking up at him with those eyes, those eyes that made Will melt, and smiling his gentle smile. All he wanted was to pull him closer until there was no space left between them, wrap his arms around him, and-

No, that was a bad idea. Anyone could walk in at any time. His mind continued to wander down that road even as he knew it shouldn't. Will fought back a blush from the direction of his own thoughts.

"Bah humbug," Will retorted, smirking. Jem laughed cheerfully.

"What did you do today that gives you the right to be in such an anti-holiday mood?" he asked, closing his eyes.

"I put up decorations for the entirety of the time you were out shopping," Will sniffed indignantly.

"You forget- I was shopping with Jessamine Lovelace. Not exactly how I would have chosen to spend Christmas." Jem's eyes were open again, looking at Will contentedly.

"How would you have chosen to spend Christmas, my love?" Will asked, stroking his hair again.

"With you," he answered simply.

"We're together now." Will's mind fluttered back to Jem's gift, waiting in his room.

"I know. That's all I wanted to do today."

"Be with me?" Will's voice had lost the sarcastic veneer it always had, replaced by the gentle tone reserved solely for Jem.

A lazy smile lit up Jem's face. "That's all I ever want to do, William. Be with you."

The urge to kiss him seized Will again, too powerful to ignore.

 _'You'll be seen,_ ' a nagging doubt whispered in his mind. _'Don't be foolish_.'

Remembering part of the decorating he'd done earlier, he stood, pulling Jem to his feet as well. Wordlessly, he took his hand and pulled him through the hallways. His lover followed him without a question, entwining their fingers together.

Such a simple gesture, one Jem often did when he deemed it safe to do so, but it still sent sparks flying down Will's arms, the nerves in his fingers singing.

They stopped at Jem's doorway. Jem gave Will a questioning look, but Will provided no answers, merely smiled and opened the door, pulling them both inside.

Jem was laughing now, shaking his head. "Will, what on earth-"

"Look up," Will interrupted.

Jem did so, and an understanding smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Mistletoe... I don't remember that being there this morning."

"It wasn't," Will said smugly. "You are familiar with the tradition, I trust? To kiss the one standing beneath it?"

"Yes, I am," he smiled, stepping closer.

"Well..." Will said, shifting so he stood directly beneath it. "Here I am."

"Far be it from me to break tradition," Jem smiled, closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around Will's neck. The kiss was soft and sweet and slow, but Will could feel the passion behind it, the love.

"Merry Christmas, James," Will murmured against his lips, arms encircling his thin waist to draw him nearer, one hand pressed against the small of his back.

Jem blushed, sighing happily. "Merry Christmas, William," he answered, hands featherlight in Will's hair, lips sweet against Will's own.

A light snow had started to drift down slowly, and London's streets started to come alive with lights and carols and laughter. When the two finally broke apart, foreheads touching, there were no words spoken. None were needed, not just yet.

Finally, Jem spoke. "I have something for you."

"I have something for you as well. Allow me to go get it?" Will said, not wanting to leave the embrace.

Jem seemed to share his reluctance, but he stepped back slightly with a smile. "I'll see you momentarily."

Will winked and left the room, heart hammering nervously when he thought of giving Jem his gift. Would he like it? Would it make him happy? Or was Will's guess of what he'd like far off?

He arrived at him own bedroom, pulling the folder of music from the top drawer of his bedside table. Nerves still jittery, he nearly ran back to Jem's room.

When he slipped in once more, Jem was sitting on the trunk at the end of his bed, hands behind his back and a slightly anxious smile on his face.

"Here," Jem said, averting his eyes shyly as he extended his hands toward Will, "Merry Christmas."

Will took the gift from him and gasped as he looked at it. An absolutely pristine, original copy of 'A Tale Of Two Cities', with the cover of the first print set. He opened it with shaky hands, unable to control his smile, and saw a note enclosed inside the front cover. He unfolded it to see a few lines of Jem's lovely script.

**_William,_ **   
**_You mentioned once that this was the first book you ever fell in love with, and the one you connected to most. I've seen you read it countless times, and you've worn the copy in the library down to a ragged mess. Hence the replacement, so you can fall in love with the story all over again. Merry Christmas!_ **   
**_-J.C._ **

To anyone else, the note was purely platonic. Innocent and kind-hearted, as one would expect from Jem, but Will knew the implication in Jem's words. He knew the thought that must've gone into it, and how long it must've taken to find such a perfect copy. His family had read this book together when he was young, not long before he'd left. This book was a tie to home, to his love for books, for who he was and who he wanted to be, and now it was a tie to his angel. His Jem.

For the first time in his life, William Herondale was speechless.

"Do... do you like it? I remembered how much you loved this book, and thought-" Jem's nervous stammering was cut off by Will sweeping him up in a tight embrace.

"It's perfect. Thank you so much," Will said in a quiet voice, kissing Jem's cheek and smiling at the faint blush that appeared there.

"H-here," Will added hesitantly, handing Jem the folder. Jem gave it a curious look as he opened it with careful fingers.

Jem's silver eyes widened, and he stared at the first piece of music. Will's heart skipped a beat, trying desperately to figure out his reaction. Just when Will thought he might explode from suspense, Jem spoke in a soft voice.

"I... I recognize these. My mother... she wanted me to learn these, but," he gave a broken laugh, "she never got the chance to teach me." Hands trembling now, he looked through the remainder of the sheet music. "All of them, one or the other my parents loved and wanted to teach me when I was a better violinist. Oh, Will..."

Will's heart leapt happily. Jem absolutely loved it. He had worried for nothing.

Gentle hands cupped his face and Jem was kissing him, a smile on his lips.

"Thank you," he smiled. "How on earth did you know?"

Will smiled mischievously. "I have my sources."

Jem gave him a pleadingly curious look, and it was so young and tender an expression that Will caved. "I wrote a letter to someone in the Clave who knew your father. He happened to have a letter from your father shortly after you played the violin for the first time, requesting certain music pieces." Will shrugged. "I'd never heard you play them, so..."

Jem kissed him again. "You are perfect. Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"Yes, I do," Will said, holding up the book. "Because I feel the same way about this book. Where'd you find a copy like this?"

"Asked around downtown until I found someone who could place an order. That was my 'errand' this morning, I had to go pick it up. Charlotte covered for me," he said modestly.

"I love you." Will flopped on his back on the floor, smiling.

"And I love you," Jem said, mirroring his position.

"I want to spend every Christmas like this... with you, alone, and in love," Will said wistfully.

Jem smiled and took his hand. "Why spend just Christmas like that?"

"True. You're all I ever wanted, and I get you every day of the year."


	10. 10. Tied Together With A Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Jem-centric songfic from Taylor Swift's "Tied Together With A Smile." It seemed fitting when I heard the song for the first time after rereading The Infernal Devices, and thus... this chapter was born.

**_Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty is the face in the mirror looking back at you._**  
The words buzzed in Jem's mind as he caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the mirrored surface of the Thames. Will said that to him once before, when Jem asked about his late-night wanderings. Will's tale this time had been about some brothel in a risqué part of town, his night full of alcohol and wayward women. Will had stepped forward, closer to Jem, and looked at him.

"You'd make a lovely treat for any of those women, James," Will had teased, tipping Jem's face up. "So beautiful. So, so beautiful."

Jem had given a derisive, undignified snort, causing Will to grin a little before looking at him seriously.

"You don't believe me?"

"The silver tends to be a bit of a turn-off."

Will paused before delivering the phrase still bouncing around Jem's thoughts, and had then turned and left as quickly as he'd come.

 ** _You walk around here thinking you're not pretty..._**  
His eyes and hair stood out bright silver under the moonlight, he knew. All pale skin and silver features, he was faded. As if he were already disappearing. That was not beautiful.

Beautiful was hair darker than London's midnight sky, curling into a wild mess, eyes like a river that were so easy to get lost in. Beautiful was that stark contrast of colors standing beside him as they returned home from a hunt. Will was beautiful.

And even just walking next to him, close but not touching, Jem's heart ached.

 ** _But that's not true..._**  
Sophie stared after Jem as he walked down the hall, side by side with Will. He was laughing, those silvery eyes dancing as he chided Will for a crude remark. He was lovely, more of an ethereal beauty than anything she'd ever seen. And he was good-hearted, as beautiful inside as he was out.

 _'Unlike that brat William,'_ Sophie thought darkly, cleaning demon guts out of the hallway floors, _'who can't even clean his own boots.'_

 ** _'Cause I know you._**  
Will had become a complete safe haven for Jem, someone he found himself turning to more and more frequently, simply because he would not need to explain himself. Will already knew everything about him, better than Jem knew himself.

Well... almost everything. Jem didn't dare let Will find out about his feelings for him. The fear was stronger than the hope in that respect. He'd almost let it slip tonight, on the way back. Almost ruined everything.

Even with the other half of his soul, some of what he said and did was a charade. And oh, how he longed to let it fall. But he didn't dare.

 ** _Hold on, baby, you're losing it._**  
It was an odd feeling, hopelessness. Jem felt it for the first time after the worst attack yet, which had come full force after a simple routine patrol.

_It shouldn't have been that strong._

Will had been there, as always, and he recovered... but not fully. That one had truly cost him something, and he could not always keep giving it. He kept a tight grip on his life as it was, stubbornly unwilling to let anything change, but it was starting to slip between his fingers like sand through an hourglass.

 ** _The water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go..._**  
Everything is dark, and the only sensation is a complete, suffocating pain. Jem doesn't know if this is a dream, or if he's relapsed again, but right now he doesn't care. All he can think about is that horrible, constant pain and the darkness. Would the others understand if he stopping fighting it? If he let go? They'd be alright, except...

"James. Please, not yet. I'm not ready to lose you yet. Come back to me... to all of us."

Except Will. And the truth is, Jem isn't ready to leave Will yet either.

 ** _And no one knows..._**  
Will worries too much. Jem does not want to give him even more reason to worry, so he says nothing on the days he goes to bed ill. All he wants is to be held in Will's arms, where he feels safe again, but Will doesn't know. He's too busy debating literature with that new girl, Tessa Gray.

 ** _That you cry but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one..._**  
The immediate assumption that Jem is incapable of feeling strong emotions like jealously or anger or fear almost makes him laugh. It's an easy assumption to make, with his thin frame and faded coloring and kind smile, but underneath all that, Jem burns. With a jealousy so strong it makes his stomach churn when he sees Will and Tessa so close together. ' _He's mine.'_ With an anger he has to suppress with everything in him when Will is careless with his own life and almost dies for it. ' _Be careful, you idiot.'_ With a fear so powerful only Will can erase it when the attacks come so close together. ' _Save me.'_

He is actually a bit flattered by the assumption, and it is often true. Jem is, most of the time, quite a positive and relaxed person. Until you add Will to the equation...

 ** _And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone._**  
Will is being so frustrating at the Clave meeting that Jem wonders how someone hasn't thrown them both out. Will because he's being a Herondale, and Jem because he's trying very hard not to smile, but failing.

What can he say? He's more than a little partial to everything involving William Herondale, including the truly contented smile he can't seem to stop when he's around. Above everything else, Will makes him happy, and gives him the strength he needs. But Will is also the thing breaking him apart. Will is the light and the dark for Jem, the good and the bad. Will holds him together, and unravels him.

 ** _I guess it's true that love was all you wanted..._**  
Jem's parents had been very in love until their last days. Charlotte and Henry obviously loved each other, even if they were a bit blind to each other.

And, Jem realized sadly, Will and Tessa had fallen in love. It's not that he didn't _like_ Tessa. He liked her just fine. She was lovely, and very intelligent, and didn't complain when Church nipped at her hands like Will did.

But he _was_ jealous of her. Very, very jealous. She had his Will, and Jem now had no hope of ever knowing what having his love requited would feel like.

 ** _Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change..._**  
Jem is kind to everyone, as was his way. Openly sweet and helpful. Loving.

Will always rolls his eyes at him, but Jem doesn't care. At least it gets his attention, and counteracts Will's infuriatingly poor manners. The scoldings from Jem to Will are half-hearted and he doesn't mean a word of them. However, Jem never misses an opportunity to deflate Will's sarcastic ego a bit... even though it is slightly endearing.

 ** _Hoping it'll end up in his pocket..._**  
Jem's heart completely belongs to Will, and has since they were children. Everyone else thinks Jem's feelings are innocent, platonic, the calm sweetness everyone associates with everything that is Jem.

But inside, Jem is overcome with a desire for Will so strong he almost can't stand it. All he wants, all he's ever wanted, is Will Herondale. He wants to hold him close and take away all the sadness from those infinite blue eyes and put him back together, wants to fall asleep in his arms, wants to hold him close and kiss him when they're alone, wants the songs, the poetry, the books, the curly hair, the arrogance, the beauty, the mystery of his parabatai. He wants Will.

 ** _But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain..._**  
But Will doesn't want Jem. Not in the same way.

 ** _Oh, cause it's not his price to pay, it's not his price to pay._**  
Will doesn't know the effect he's having on his parabatai. He doesn't know that even sparring in training now, with the little brushes of contact, sends pain lancing through Jem's heart. He doesn't have to feel his heart breaking every day, doesn't need to feel the pain that is so much worse than any illness ever was. Will doesn't have to pay for it.

 ** _Hold on, baby, you're losing it._**  
When Tessa comes running down the stairs from the roof flushed, a little disheveled, and in tears, Jem's heart sinks. He goes up to the roof, knowing exactly what he'll find but still forcing himself to see.

And when he sees Will, hair a rumpled mess, lips swollen from _kissing her_ , a dark silhouette against the sunset, he turns on his heel and leaves without a word, feeling his world shift violently on its axis.

 ** _The water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go..._**  
Jem had to leave the Institute on the night he found out Will had kissed Tessa. He ended up at Blackfriar's Bridge, leaning against the railing and staring out at the river.

"Hey." The sound of a familiar voice startled Jem so badly he nearly fell off the bridge. Turning, he saw Will beside him.

"Hey."

"You okay?"

_No. I am not okay. Not even close. You are driving me crazy, and I cannot say anything. I am incredibly jealous. I am in love with you. William. I am in love with you._

**_And no one knows..._**  
"Yes, I'm fine."

 ** _That you cry but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one..._**  
"Will is myself, my own soul." Jem can say that freely, is allowed to say that by their laws.

What he doesn't say is that Will is the better half of him, naturally everything Jem tries so hard to be. That crude, cold exterior is fake and Jem knows it. Why he does it, Jem isn't sure. What he is sure about is that Will is the better person. Will is an angel disguising himself as a devil, and Jem is not quite either. Not a devil, but most certainly not an angel. More like a sinner with good intentions.

 ** _And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone._**  
Jem was _so close_ to losing all control. If he hadn't been so cursedly aware of the consequences, then hang the laws. He would tell Will everything. He was so close to doing it as it was.

But seeing the smile on Will's face when he was with Tessa stopped him. Will was happy, happier than Jem had ever seen him, and Jem was not going to stand in his way. No good could come of the situation, so he bit back his confession and forced a smile of his own.

 ** _Hold on, baby, you're losing it._**  
The cold point of a sword kissed the hollow of his throat, startling Jem back to reality.

"You know, James," Will drawled, "you're not much fun to spar with if you are not even going to be paying attention."

"Sorry," Jem mumbled, heart leaping at the sound of his full name on Will's lips.

"Are you alright? You've been very distracted in training lately."

"I'm fine." A clang resounded throughout the room as Jem's sword swung up to meet Will's.

 _'I must truly be hopeless,'_ Jem reflected, _'if I cannot even be in the room with him anymore._ '

Will's every movement showed off his muscles underneath his close-fitting shirt, making Jem's breath catch in his throat. It was a physical pain to see Will in his element, a deep-seated ache in his heart that hurt far worse than any blade.

 ** _The water's high, you're jumping into it and letting go..._**  
The combination of the illness rapidly worsening, the situation with Mortmain and the yin fen, worry for Charlotte's position, worry for Tessa's safety, and Will was slowly becoming too much.

The whole situation was too much at once. It was overwhelming and intimidating. Just as Jem thought he'd finally made his peace with everything and done all he could, the world took a violent turn and the floor was pulled out from beneath his feet.

 ** _And no one knows..._**  
With all these emotions and thoughts running through his mind, Jem was sure anyone could read them on his face, clear as day. Certainly Will, who could detect the tiniest shift in his posture on a bad day, would be able to tell that he was breaking apart.

But no one noticed anything. Jem wasn't sure if this comforted him or made the feeling worse.

 ** _That you cry but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one..._**  
Jem was crying out for help in the only way he knew how- through his music. Through his violin.

At first, it had been an accident. All his songs centered around Will, or connected back to Will somehow, even when he didn't mean for them to. Jem had played a piece he had written for his parents several years ago, and, with tears slipping from his closed eyes, the notes shifted back to the blue-eyed boy.

Eventually, he gave up trying to force his music away from where his mind was and let his pain flow into his songs. He flat-out played his plea for help, for someone to be there. He played for Will, played his confession. These notes were colored with a sliver of hope, a light echo to the melody. Will understood his music every other time he played, surely this would be no different?

Will did not understand this time, and the notes of Jem's violin slowly fell back into sorrow.

 ** _And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone._**  
The illness dragged Jem back under day after day, and his grip on his Shadowhunter status was slipping. His sense of normalcy was disappearing. Everything was fading out to white. He still remembered the happiness, though, and that is what kept him sane. It will work until it gets worse.

 ** _And you're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone, oh._**  
It was getting worse.

 ** _Goodbye, baby, oh..._**  
Would it be so hard to say goodbye to everything at a time like this? When he can't breathe, can't speak, can't remember what it's like not to feel pain? He has tried to be strong but everything is beginning to catch up with him, and even the drug can't save him now.

 ** _With a smile, baby, baby._**  
But he will smile until the last. For them.

For him.


	11. Teasing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Slightly more intimate than previous chapters have been. Feel free to skip ahead if that makes you uncomfortable.

James Carstairs, Will had decided, was an absolute tease. It was simply unfair, sitting next to him at breakfast and trying to ignore those _looks_. Jem and those wide silvery eyes would be the death of him, he guaranteed it. Will doubted Jem even knew what he was doing- his parabatai was endearingly innocent in all things regarding love, particularly the physical aspects. Will had been the first person he'd ever even held hands with.

Will was quite a bit more experienced, though most of that was caused by too much alcohol and too many lonely nights in the bad part of London.

He didn't feel experienced at the moment, however. He felt like some lovestruck teenage girl, staring at Jem and feeling his desire rise. He hadn't seen him since yesterday afternoon, as Will had been dragged off on some mission Jem was not quite well enough for, and hadn't kissed him since before even that. Will had gone to his own room upon his return, not wanting to wake Jem, but now...

 _'If we weren't in the dining room with everyone else here...'_ Will thought, fighting back a blush at the direction of his own thoughts.

"Will, did you hear a single word anyone has said in the past five minutes?" Charlotte's irritated voice snapped Will out of his daze.

"No," he answered truthfully. "What's happening?"

Beside him, Jem grinned. "You and Henry are kindred spirits," he said, nodding his head towards the red-headed man, who hadn't even glanced up from his paper at the mention of his name.

Charlotte threw her hands up in exasperation. "Jem, please tell me at least you were listening to me," she huffed, thoroughly frustrated.

Jem gave her a sweet smile. "Of course, Charlotte."

"Good. Will, I suppose you'll have to piece it together as we go. Come on, both of you."

Will and Jem both stood, Jem's hand brushing his own as they walked into the hall. Will felt every nerve in his hand stand on end at even this smallest brush of contact.

"So, what's Charlotte going on about?"

"You'll figure it out," Jem said, eyes dancing with amusement. Then, as quickly as could be, Jem stood on his toes and kissed Will's cheek before walking after Charlotte.

Will, who'd stopped dead in his tracks with a hand pressed to his cheek, stared after Jem, enjoying his view. Will whistled lowly and saw the tips of Jem's ears flush pink with mild embarrassment.

Halfway down the hall, Jem turned partially, beckoning to Will to come with him. The spark in his eyes, the nerves in Will's hand and face still singing, the little beckoning gesture, Will's mounting desire... it was all too much. He was going to have to steal Jem away very, _very_ soon.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

As it turns out, Will didn't get his chance to steal Jem away someplace private. Charlotte gave them each a stack of dusty old documents to sort through, looking for anything that might be relevant to the current investigation.

Bored out of his mind, Will let his head drop to the tabletop and groaned.

"Jeeeeem," he complained, drawing out the name until Jem finally looked up.

"Yes, William?"

' _He knows I love it when he says my name like that. He's doing this on purpose_ ,' Will thought, forcing himself not to pin him against the wall then and there.

"I'm bored," he said aloud.

Jem ran a hand through his silvery hair, causing the light to catch on it. "And just what do you want me to do about that?" Jem's words were innocent enough, but there was a slight smirk on his lips and a raise in his eyebrow that lent another meaning.

' _He will pay for this teasing, by the Angel.'_

"You could entertain me," Will suggested, dropping his voice to a low murmur that almost always got a blush from Jem.

This time, however, it earned him merely a wink. "Patience, Will."

"Maybe I don't want to be patient."

"Then maybe I don't wish to entertain you."

Will raised an eyebrow. Was James Carstairs going to play hard to get? That was new.

"Jem," Charlotte called from the other end of the library, sounding a bit embarrassed, "Can you get this down for me? Henry put it up too high, and I'm not certain where he put the ladder, either."

"Probably down in the crypt, trying to get it to self-expand and retract and spontanteously combust. The usual," Will mumbled. Jem laughed softly, a bright and clear sound that made Will smile in return.

"Coming, Charlotte," he said through a laugh, standing and crossing the room to her. "What exactly do you need?"

"The book with the blue cover. The one in Latin," she said, standing on her toes to point.

Jem was by no means short- he stood just a hair taller than Will, though he didn't look it because of his slight frame- but even so, he had to rise up onto his toes and stretch to reach it. In doing so, his shirt slid up an inch, revealing a strip of porcelain skin just above the waistband of his pants. Will knew the skin there to be delicate and sensitive, and the slightest of touches there would make Jem shiver. These pants hung deliciously low on his hips, and if Will could think of anything other than how much he wanted Jem at this moment, that may have worried him... He was fairly certain those did not fit so loosely a month ago.

But all he could think about right now was how much he wanted to lay a hand there, against the bare skin, and feel Jem shiver under his hands, hear the little sound of indignation before it was silenced with a kiss...

Will came back to reality with a start. No use fantasizing. Not in the library.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Henry, why did you put it up here?" Jem mumbled. With one final stretch- sending his shirt up just one little bit more- Jem handed the book to Charlotte, turning and walking back to his own stack of documents.

Just as Will heard the creak of the floorboards that meant Jem was right behind him, there was a light, cool finger tracing up his spine. On instinct, Will sighed and relaxed back into Jem's touch. The teasing little devil laughed softly and carded his violinist's fingers through Will's curls, giving a slight tug to the end of them in the way he'd discovered made Will gasp.

And this time was no exception. Will's eyes flew open with a little helpless gasp. Trying to mask his slip, he cleared his throat and pretended to be very, very, interested in the old set of records.

The coy smile his so-called angel gave him as he sat back down told him it wasn't a believable cover.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

' _This_ ,' Will thought, groaning internally, ' _is absolute torture.'_

The rest of the morning and much of the afternoon had gone on in much the same manner, with Jem missing no opportunity for a remark or a small touch or showing any of his impossibly beautiful skin, and Will suffering for it greatly.

When Charlotte finally thanked them and said she didn't need their help any longer, Will wrapped a hand around Jem's wrist and pratically dragged him out of the library.

Jem flashed him a knowing smile. "And what's got you in such a hurry, Herondale?"

"You know perfectly well what, James Carstairs," Will said, fumbling with the handle and shouldering his bedroom door open. "You've been nothing but a tease all day. And now it's time to pay the price of your mischievousness."

Jem opened his mouth as if to protest, but Will cut him off with a kiss, pushing him back against the wall. Jem gasped and said something, but Will didn't hear it. He was too caught up in finally, _finally_ having Jem's lips against his own and feeling that thin frame wrapped tightly in his arms.

Will pulled the two of them closer together, Jem's back firmly against the wall. "Why," Will said lowly, hands resting at the hem of Jem's shirt, "Were you being such a tease all day?" He had been expecting some innocent, clear-eyed response, some very Jem-like response.

Which was why he was surprised when Jem ran his fingers through his curls and pulled them into a searing kiss. "Because," he said, slightly breathless, "I knew it would end like this."

Will pulled back just enough to be out of reach. "I've half a mind to leave you alone tonight, Carstairs."

This merely earned him a raised eyebrow. "And punish both of us? Come to bed and stop your bluffing."

"How forward of you," Will said, arms going around Jem's waist, "And I thought you were the innocent one."

"You, of all people, should know I'm anything but."

Will smiled and kissed him slowly as they made their way to the bed, both unwilling to part for even a moment. Jem's hands trailed down to Will's waist and quickly divested him of his shirt, breaking away only to pull it over his head.

Will shivered as Jem's cool hands rested on his chest, idly tracing the parabatai rune with one finger. They fell onto the bed, a tangle of limbs and kisses and quiet whispers.

"I love you," Jem murmured, kissing along his jawline sweetly.

"I love you too," Will replied. "Even if you are a tease." Slipping his hands under Jem's shirt, he made short work of it, tossing it carelessly to the floor.

Soon enough, anything separating them had been removed as Will trailed kisses down the column of Jem's neck, nipping gently at the sensitive skin there. Jem shivered, blushing, and tangled his fingers in Will's hair. Will bit down harder, making Jem gasp. Almost inaudibly, he moaned Will's name and managed to speak a coherent sentence.

"No marks above my collar," Jem said breathlessly.

In response, Will simply continued his pattern of soft kisses intermingled with rough bites down Jem's chest, pressing his lips to every mark and scar.

"You," he said, kissing the parabatai rune that bound them, "are so, so beautiful, cariad." The Welsh endearment came so naturally, just as Jem's soft phrases in Mandarin always seemed to.

A faint blush appeared across Jem's cheeks as he shook his head. "You sweet talker."

"It's effective, you must admit."

Jem rolled his eyes. "Oh, hush."

Will captured his lover's lips in a kiss, feeling Jem's arms wrap around his neck and draw him closer.

Will carefully grazed his teeth over Jem's bottom lip, smirking with satisfaction at the soft sound Jem made in response.

"Now look who's a tease," Jem complained breathlessly as Will pulled away with a smirk, trailing his hands down to the sensitive skin at his waist.

"Ah, but I plan to follow through with mine," Will said. Before Jem could say anything else, Will kissed him fiercely, biting his lip harder than before.

Jem gasped and moaned his name, lips parting in surprise. Will cupped Jem's face in his hands and deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into Jem's mouth. Forcing himself to be gentle, he moved to straddle his hips, never letting their lips part. Jem moaned and shivered, raking his fingers through Will's dark curls and tugging lightly.

Will smiled faintly, letting himself go in everything that was Jem. Their kiss quickly became more and more heated as the two of them forgot all boundaries of propriety. Both quickly lost control of themselves as their kiss became passionate and desperate, as if this was their last night.

Will's hands wandered downward steadily as they kissed, and he managed to have the awareness to pull away and look at Jem for permission before he crossed a line.

Jem peered at him as he pulled away. "You okay, love?"

"Yes. I didn't want to take liberties if you weren't comfortable with it..." Will said awkwardly, looking away.

Jem smiled and interrupted Will's awkward rambling.

"Take them, my darling."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Will lay on his back on the bed, Jem curled up beside him and resting his head on Will's bare chest.

Will knew they'd both regret this if they had a mission tomorrow when they woke up sore, and that there were marks that would be hard to explain if someone saw them, but right now... he was happy.

Jem shifted slightly and sprawled across Will's chest, covering him like an extra blanket. Will smiled and happily held him, kissing his head.

"Jem?"

"Hmm?"

"Don't be such a tease in the future."

Jem tipped his face up and smiled, eyes twinkling. "Given how this ended, I'm going to be much more tempted to do it again."

Will laughed. "If you wanted to get me in bed, you could've just asked."

Jem kissed his nose. "Ah, but what fun is that?"

Will just shook his head and pulled the blanket up over their shoulders, tangling their legs and resting his forehead against Jem's.

If it ended like this... well, Will supposed he could endure the teasing.


	12. A Goodbye Song (AU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Modern day AU, all human. Enjoy!

Something felt wrong when Jem walked into the apartment, exhausted. It had been a long, awful morning at the doctor's, then class, then rehearsal. All he'd wanted to do all day was come home and curl up on the couch with Will.

And possibly work up the courage to make use of the ring box in his pocket.

Church came up to him, weaving between his ankles and nearly tripping him as he shut the door.

"Move, cat," Jem chided fondly. "I don't have treats for you." Despite his words, he scooped up the cat and stroked it gently.

"What do you think, Church?" he whispered. "Is today the day? Am I going to ask him?"

Church meowed softly and kneaded his claws in Jem's shirt. Jem laughed and set the cat back down.

"I'll take that as a yes."

This was all normal. But Will, who should've been home by now, was nowhere to be seen.

Walking down the hall to their room, Jem called softly. "Will? Are you here?"

There was no answer.

Beginning to worry, Jem opened their bedroom door, meaning only to set his violin case down. He stopped short when he opened the door.

A wave of powerful disbelief and betrayal crashed over his head, anger bubbling somewhere deep below the surface of his emotions.

Because there, in his own bedroom, stood his boyfriend of four years, looking horribly guilty. His hair was a mess, shirt was off, and pale lipstick marks left an accusing trail down his chest. Behind him, trying to escape out of the window, was some dark-haired girl, equally disheveled. Her hair was a tousled mess, there were obvious marks down her neck and shoulder, and she was dressed only in an oversized shirt of Will's and what looked like a pair of underwear... Holding her bra in her hand as she froze halfway out the window.

"J-Jem," Will began, attempting to tame his hair. "I didn't think you'd be home this early..."

"Obviously not," Jem said, surprising even himself with the coldness in his voice. "I can see I'm interrupting something."

"N-no," the girl stammered. She looked oddly familiar...

Jem's eyebrows raised. "Tessa?"

She flushed, embarrassed. "Jem..."

Jem gave a humorless laugh. "Of course, Will, it would be her. Not just some girl, but a friend of ours as well?"

"I-I'm sorry," she stammered. "I'll just... Go..."

Jem shook his head. "Oh, no, don't leave on my behalf," he said, cold sarcasm lacing his voice. "I'll go."

"Jem..." Will began pleadingly, but Jem simply turned on his heel and left the room, the front door swinging shut abruptly behind him.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Jem walked down the streets of London, hands deep in his pockets. Heart heavy, he made his way to Blackfriar's Bridge. At this time of day, it was blissfully quiet.

He didn't think he could handle being around people just then.

Leaning against the railing of the bridge, Jem closed his eyes, trying to fight the silent tears slipping down his cheeks.

_'Will was sleeping with someone else. Maybe just once, maybe regularly.'_

Jem ran his hands through his hair and finally allowed the tears to fall freely.

_'Will had feelings for someone else.'_

This, he knew was true. Will was not one to use sex as a meaningless pleasure, despite his constant stories. For him, it was a sign of love and trust and desire.

It broke his heart to know those feelings were directed at someone else.

What had he done wrong? What had he done that he was no longer enough for Will?

Jem looked down at the river, stubbornly ignoring his morbid thoughts. Deep in his heart, he knew this wasn't something they could come back from. Not cleanly. If they tried, it would be a mess, for what was a relationship without trust? Jem had trusted Will with his love, but... perhaps that had been a mistake.

The sun set over the river, painting the sky colors as vivid as any Jem could imagine. As the night crept up on him, he tried very, very hard not to think about how much the inky blue looked like Will's eyes.

But he couldn't do it. So his mind went to Will's eyes, and his heart sank to the bottom of the river.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Will stood in his bedroom, ashamed, as the front door swung shut behind his boyfriend.

"Oh, crap," Will muttered. "What have I done?"

Tessa, cheeks flaming, quickly got dressed. "You need to go after him. I... I'm sorry. I'll just... go..."

Will nodded without saying a word and walked out of the apartment as quickly as he could, leaving Tessa standing behind him.

Outside, he wished he'd thought to grab a coat on the way out- the sun was going down and he was cold.

Oh, God. If he was cold, Jem must be freezing. He hadn't had a coat either, and Jem got cold extremely easily as a side effect of his illness. If he was feeling ill, he got cold more easily. And the colder he was, the sicker he felt.

His entire illness was just an unfair vicious cycle. Jem was too good of a person to deserve that.

 _'Jem is also too good of a person to have his heart broken,_ ' the voice in Will's head whispered angrily. He shook his head and continued walking, looking for anywhere Jem may have gone. He wasn't answering his phone, and Jem was not one to go to someone's house if he was feeling down or out of sorts with Will. At times like this, Jem would be craving solitude.

Just as Will had begun to give up hope of finding him, a flash of silver caught his eye from the bridge. Will raced over, clumsy in his own haste, and slowed when he was a few feet from the silver-haired silhouette. His face was tipped up towards the dusky sky, and in the dying sunlight Will could see tear stains on his lovely face, shining accusingly.

"Jem..." Will began uncertainly.

Jem looked down from the skies and turned to look at Will directly. "How could you, William?"

The betrayal in his voice stung. "Jem... I'm so sorry... I have no idea what I was thinking..."

"Do you love her?" His posture had visibly tensed, as if preparing himself for the worst.

"James, I-"

_"Do you love her?"_

"No!"

"William, do not _lie_ to me!" This was the extreme of Jem's temper, and Will stood in shame for having caused it out of heartbreak.

"I... yes. Yes, I have feelings for her, but they pale in comparison to my feelings for you, surely you know that," Will nearly begged him, trying so hard to erase that look from his angel's face.

"I thought I could put my faith in that. I thought, actually, that I could put my faith in _you_. But perhaps I was wrong."

Will felt a slight flare of indignation. "James, nobody's perfect-"

"I am not asking you to be perfect, Will, I am asking you to be loyal. And if you can't do that, then there's no way this can work." Jem's voice was shaking, and Will felt tears prick his own eyes.

Would this be the end of them?

"Jem, please... I made a mistake..."

"How long?"

Will had been dreading this question. "What?"

"You heard me loud and clear, William. How long has this been going on?" Jem's voice dropped to an almost inaudible murmur. "When did I stop being enough for you?"

The truth, Will knew, would shatter everything, would send everything past the point of no return. But if he lied, Jem would know, the way Jem always knew.

"Almost four months."

Jem flinched involuntarily, as if he'd been struck. Will could see his mental calendar flipping back, until-

"Oh, Will... you didn't..."

Will looked down. "I... I don't know what came over me. I guess I'd been thinking about her, and... and I was so worried about you, being in the hospital..."

"Perfect opportunity, I suppose." Jem's voice had lost its passion and was now dull. Lifeless. So different from his usual affectionate, steady voice that Will felt his own tears spill over. "Didn't I tell you at the beginning of all of this, Will, that I was very sick and frail and dying and would never be otherwise? I told you then, that if you wanted someone else, someone that could have given you more than I had to offer, you needed to leave now so I didn't fall deeper in love with you if you were just going to break my heart later? I gave you an out, Will, and you stayed." Jem had tears falling freely now, but they did nothing to detract from the power behind his words. "Why did you stay, if my love was not enough for you? If I was not what you wanted?"

His voice wavered as he looked at Will for an answer.

"Jem, I... For once, I just wanted to love someone that I knew would be there in a year, two years, five years. Even if I only loved them for a week. I wanted love without illness constantly lurking in the corner, and without Death threatening to steal my love away. That doesn't mean I regret us," Will said soothingly, reaching out to lay a hand on Jem's arm.

He jerked away from the touch as if it burned him. "Don't," he whispered. "Please."

"Honey..."

"No." It was a broken whisper, carried over the Thames and up to the newly twinkling stars. "No more. I'm done."

"You aren't saying..."

"Will, you knew this would happen from the moment you slept with Tessa. I still love you, but you've made it clear you have someone else in mind."

Jem inhaled shakily and looked away from Will. "As much as I'm breaking my own heart, we're through."

Cold reality settled in Will's gut as Jem turned and trudged back towards their apartment. "I'll be gone by morning," Jem said softly. "And I'll leave my key."

Will stared over the river for an eternity, giving Jem time to get home without his presence, then traced his ex-lover's steps back home.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Jem quietly packed up his things into a small suitcase and his violin. His assorted medicine bottles- for everything from pre-bronchioloalveolar carcinoma to post-traumatic stress disorder- glared accusingly at him as he zips the bag shut, dropping it by the door. Worn out from crying and the cold, Jem dropped exhaustedly onto their- _Will's, he is trying not to think of this place as his anymore to make leaving easier, but it is so hard_ \- couch and fell asleep within minutes.

Will, separated by just a hallway and a closed door, stayed awake until he heard Jem's breathing level off out of sheer habit, then fell into the cold embrace of sleep.

But sleeping was not restful for either, and dawn broke to find fresh tears on both faces.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

When Will woke up, the apartment felt empty. He knew, without getting up to check, that Jem already left. Standing and stretching, he walked out to their living room to see something out of place on the coffee table.

A folded note, a small black box, and Will's phone with the earbuds plugged in to it. Sitting down, he put in the earbuds and clicked his phone on.

His heart gave a little lurch at the picture of the two of them at the park shone up at him. It had been an unusually good day health-wise for Jem, so Will had insisted they celebrate at the park with a picnic. Jem, amused and forever patient, had agreed. At the end of the day, Will had taken this picture. (And by that he meant paid a guy two dollars to get it without Jem noticing.)

Will was on his back on the blanket, with one arm under his head lazily and the other around Jem. The other boy was laying with his head on Will's chest, slender frame tucked close to Will's side. Both were smiling, and Jem's eyes had sparkled a lovely silver in the slanted evening light.

Shaking off the memory, he swiped right and mindlessly entered his password- _Jem's birthday, of course it was-_ and peered at the screen.

It was open to music, a playlist Will had never made himself or seen before. It was simply called "Listen" and consisted of only two songs. Laying back on the couch with his eyes closed, Will hit 'play'.

**_All of this time, I still can't believe... I carried you on my shoulder as we grew older. The symphony we had together reached the farthest. Love captured perfect moments, till you became a solo artist..._ **

The soft violin in the background of this song was exquisitely painful.

**_Now I won't hurt to hear you crying, whoa (who-oa). 'Cause I know how you played my heartstrings over and over again..._ **

Will lost himself in the song and the emotions and the memories and _curse_ James Carstairs for leaving him this song that fit Jem so freaking well it hurt.

**_I'm done with all the lies, I'm done with all the pain, I'm done with all the time wasted loving you, and I can't take it no more, take it no more. I'm done with the screaming, I'm done with all those silly love songs that keep on playing..._ **

Will wasn't sure if Jem meant this as a message or as a torture of the most deep and personal kind. All Will could see, even with closed eyes, was the betrayal on Jem's face. The song played on, minutes that felt like hours until the artist delivered the final line.

**_Go ahead and play me your sad songs. (Can you hear the violin?)_ **

**_Can you hear the violin?_ **

Will could always, always hear Jem's music, even now. This song was his. Forget whoever the artist was- Jem could've written this song for how much Will's heart ached.

The opening chord of the second and last song began, and Will squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears.

**_Forgive me, I may have said things that aren't exactly the way that I feel... I told you I'd be strong, I said that I'd moved on. But it doesn't take long to realize..._ **

Will's stomach tightened slightly. Was this the part where everything fell back into place, or where he realized how badly he'd messed up? What was Jem saying with these songs? What did Will want him to be saying?

**_That I'm not over you..._ **

"I'm not over James Carstairs." It rang in the apartment, making Will sick with its implications.

**_But if there is somebody that makes you feel happy, tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking, then who am I, who am I to stand in your way..._ **

God, had he really thrown away Jem for Tessa? Yes, it might be nice to have a love he could kiss with zero fear of judgment in public from the close-minded, or have a love he could truly plan for the future with without a dark shadow over their heads, but was that worth throwing away the love and dedication Jem had given him?

No.

And now Jem was out there, alone in the world, thinking _he_ had somehow failed _Will._

Will was so disgusted with himself he missed the next phrase or two, then resumed listening.

**_Do what you have to, 'cause I'd never blame you for not choosing me._ **

_'But I'll blame myself_ ,' he thought. _'Oh, God, Jem, if something happens to you..._ '

**_The way that I feel is no longer your burden._ **

What had Will been thinking? Tessa was not his Jem. Not his angel. Not his angel who had no one else in the world, a horrible sickness, and now a broken heart on top of it all. Jem was not a burden- Jem was a gift, and Will had been blessed with him for four wonderful years as lovers. Even longer as friends.

**_If there is someone that can make you feel perfect, then who am I, who am I to stand in your way?_ **

For once, William Herondale had no words.

The song came to an end, and Will unfolded the note with shaking hands. It was very short, and the neat script had an undeniable tremor to it, as if Jem had still been crying or, at the very least, his hands had been shaking as badly as Will's own.

_William,_

_I truly am sorry I did not note your unhappiness earlier. For my own sake, I wish I had not found out the way I did, as that led me to be perhaps harsher than I meant to be. That's why I left the songs- you know I was never good with words. That was always you. But music has always been my safe place, and I use it now to try and show you exactly how I feel._

_The little box is for you. I had actually planned on giving it to you last night, before I discovered the truth. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I pray to God it won't always hurt this much to miss you._

_You were my first love, and you will be my last, I am sure. I love you still, even though I tell myself you are no longer mine to love. I hope part of you still loves me._

_\- James C._

Will exhaled slowly and opened the box. Inside, there was a silver band with a face of blue gemstone so deep-set that they appeared to run together, giving the ring a smooth and continuous surface.

Silver and blue. Together.

One side of the band had the castle insignia of the Carstairs family crest, the other the heron in flight from the Herondale's.

Simple, elegant, and beautiful. This was clearly a custom-made ring Jem had designed.

Jem had been planning to propose, and what had Will done? Thrown everything away.

Will collapsed back onto the couch cushions, feeling drained. Putting the earbuds back in, he slipped the ring on to the fourth finger of his left hand and hit 'repeat', listening to Jem's goodbye songs over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesyesyes I'm cliché accept it. Sorry for all the cheesiness.


	13. Starting Over Again (Sequel to A Goodbye Song) (AU)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And my cheesiness continues.

It had been almost a week since Jem had walked out, and Will was losing his mind.

He had called a dozen times, sent more texts than he could count, tried to reach him in any way he could just to make sure he was safe.

Jem had picked up once when Will called from a different phone, and his voice had changed when he heard it was Will on the other end.

Will had started talking before he could hang up. "Jem, I still care about you, I just need to know you're safe-"

"I'm safe. And Will, if you really care about me, stop calling. Make this easier for both of us," Jem had said sadly, "and let me go."

The click of Jem hanging up had sent Will back to his despair. He hadn't picked up since.

Tessa had called Will's phone a few times, leaving stammered apologies and condolences. He had ignored these, too disgusted with himself to even speak to her.

His angel was gone, and it was his fault.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Magnus was alternating between verbally abusing Will for hurting Jem and trying to get them back together, and Jem was beginning to get annoyed.

Jem put a hand to his head and groaned slightly. "Magnus," he said, "What's done is done, okay? I left for a reason."

"And where did that get you? In my apartment, heartbroken. Give him another shot, Jem. You guys belong together," Magnus said, pacing his living room, arms gesturing wildly.

"He made it clear that a life with me was not what he wanted when he slept with Tessa for four months," Jem shot back from the sofa.

"He made a mistake-"

"Magnus, no. I can't be lied to like that. I can't do it."

Clearly Jem looked about as bad as he felt, because Magnus sat beside him on the sofa and put an arm around him. "I'm so sorry, Jem. I never would've thought Will would do that."

"Me either," Jem said softly, leaning into the embrace. "I trusted him... I loved him so much..."

"Oh, honey..." Magnus wrapped Jem up in a tight hug.

"Does it get easier?" Jem asked quietly, sounding uncharacteristically young. "Missing him?"

Magnus exhaled slowly. "I wish I could say it does, but it doesn't. Love hurts."

Jem made a mild noise of disappointment. He had been the one to walk out, to leave everything they'd built behind them, but he was suffering badly for it.

Magnus looked down at the boy in his arms and ruffled his hair. "It'll get better with time... and it wouldn't hurt to get a date with someone else either."

Jem shook his head. "No."

"Why not? You're gorgeous, it wouldn't be hard..."

Jem blushed faintly across his cheekbones, but didn't change his answer. "It wouldn't be fair to whoever the other party was. I'm not over Will, and I don't want to burden anyone else with someone who's dying."

Magnus looked at him seriously. "You don't honestly think that, do you?"

Jem shrugged. "It's the truth."

"You are not a burden. That's ridiculous."

Jem raised an eyebrow. "Magnus, you know better than most the kind of health I'm in-"

"Who cares?"

"Will does, apparently," Jem muttered darkly.

Magnus shook his head. "You either need to talk to him or get another date. You can choose."

Jem stared at Magnus in disbelief. "You wouldn't make me do that."

"I would."

Jem sighed. "It hasn't even been a week yet, Magnus. For heaven's sake."

Magnus shrugged. "Fine. I'll be patient."

Jem rolled his eyes. "Right. 'Patient'."

Magnus playfully cuffed Jem upside the back of his head. "Watch the sass, Carstairs, it's my roof you're living under."

Jem forced himself to smile, ignoring the feeling of dread sitting in the pit of his stomach.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Will had never been one to sit idle and wait for what he wanted, and he saw no reason to start now. Jem needed to know how sorry he really was.

Even if he couldn't get them back to a relationship, maybe he could get them back to friends. It would be hard, but a life without Jem in it was not a life worth living. Dialing his number again, he sat on the couch, waiting for Jem to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Jem it's me _please don't hang up_ ," Will said in a rush.

He heard Jem sigh, and then there was a rustling on the other end. "Fine. Talk."

"I... I just wanted to apologize. It was inexcusable, sleeping with her. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Neither do I," came the guarded reply.

Will couldn't keep it in any longer. "I love you, Jem."

This only elicited silence.

Will plowed on resolutely. "I know I messed up, but I never stopped loving you for a second-"

"Then what the hell were you doing, going behind my back?" Jem didn't sound angry, just very tired, and Will could almost see the slump in his posture.

"It was stupid, and I was scared for you. I couldn't keep feeling so useless while you were suffering. I wasn't thinking straight," Will pleaded. "Jem, I'm so, so sorry."

There was a long pause, but finally Jem sighed. "I... " He broke off, seeming to decide against his next statement. "Apology accepted."

Will's heart leapt in delight. This was a step back to normal, back to happy.

"So, what..." Will trailed off.

"Nothing has changed," Jem said gently, "except that my temper has cooled."

"Jem, c'mon, I'm going crazy without you. Give me one more shot. A second chance is all I'm asking for, James, please." Will could tell he was absolutely begging, but he didn't care.

Another lengthy pause followed. Jem, by the sound of his silence, was thinking his response through very, very carefully.

"A second chance? Will, think your answer through very carefully. Everything isn't going to magically be okay. I will still be the same as before."

"That's what I want," Will replied. "I want you, just the way I had you. I want us the way we were. I just want to go back to normal." Hope was quivering in Will's chest like a hummingbird, too shy to fully take flight yet but stubbornly there.

Any certainty had vanished from Jem's voice. "I... I don't know what to say. I need to think, Will, just give me some time."

"It's been a week," Will protested.

"A week during which I wasn't in my right mind. You can ask Magnus about that much."

There was a mild scuffling on the other end, and then Magnus speaking over a steady stream of quiet Mandarin curses. "He's right, most of that week was spent- _Jesus_ _Christ_ , Jem, watch your _language_ \- with me attempting to make conversation and receiving one word answers."

"He's been at your place, I assume?" Will asked, trying not to laugh.

"Mmhmm. I'm not pleased with you, Will, he's been in bad shape."

"I'll put you into worse shape if you don't give me my phone," Jem threatened, voice slightly muffled.

Magnus signed and there was another brief period of shuffling. "Who knew someone with clothes that loud could sneak up behind you so quietly," Jem mumbled, more to himself than Will.

"So, about what I said..."

"I told you, William, you need to let me think. I'll call you in a few days." Jem abruptly hung up.

Will flopped back on his couch, sighing. That had not gone according to plan.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Jem hung up and tossed the phone unceremoniously onto the table.

"There," he said tiredly, "I spoke to him. Happy?"

Magnus shrugged. "I'm content for the moment."

Jem rolled his eyes. The knot of dread in the pit of his stomach had only intensified after talking to Will again. Truthfully, he wanted nothing more than to go running back to the way things used to be, but something in his mind had been awakened.

Guilt.

Now, he couldn't bear the thought of making his poor health and inevitable death Will's problem. It washed over him in cruel, unforgiving waves that left him gasping and fighting to ignore the self-loathing.

It never worked. He was forced to ride it out until something else demanded his full attention.

The hardest part was the happiness he still felt upon hearing Will's voice. His posture had instantly relaxed into something much less rigid, the tightness in his chest loosened, his heart beat a little faster. Will still affected him the way he always had. The love hadn't gone away, it was just... on hold.

Maybe forever.

"Carstairs! Earth to Jem!"

Jem came back to his senses with a start. "Sorry, what?"

"I asked what you're going to do about the situation with Will."

"I don't know anymore, Magnus," Jem said wearily. "I honestly don't know."

"Well, you should make up your mind soon and call him back-"

Jem waved Magnus off, slumping back against the couch. "I know."

"What do you-"

"Magnus?"

"Hmm?"

"Please drop it, okay? I'm not really up to debating this with you right now." Jem felt like he was going to be sick if he continued talking about this- his head hurt, his chest was too tight to breathe correctly, and the whole day was just too much. Jem closed his eyes for a moment and sank back against the couch, exhausted.

"Are you feeling alright?"

In that moment, he was no longer in Magnus's apartment, with Magnus asking how he was. He was home, with Will's concerned blue eyes locked on him as he asked the same question.

It should've been comforting, that one brief moment of feeling at home again, but all it did was bring back the guilt of burdening someone else.

Was he feeling alright? No. Not at all.

Should he do something about it? Probably.

Would he admit to not feeling well? Never again.

This was not the monster on Will's back- this was his and his alone. He could take the medicine after Magnus stopped fussing, if he really needed it.

"Maybe you should lie down," Magnus suggested in the same soothing voice.

Jem didn't want to agree, but he also wanted to be left alone. "Perhaps I should," he agreed softly.

Magnus ruffled his hair. "Go rest. Use my room, and call me if you need anything."

"Thanks," Jem said, rising and heading for Magnus's room. "I appreciate it."

"Well, what are friends for?" Magnus smiled. Jem looked at him for a second, trying to look beneath all the glitter for the pity he was sure was there, but all he found was genuine care and concern.

It looked too much like Will's gaze to be tolerable, so he quickly looked away and shut the door behind himself.

Not ten minutes later, Jem found himself crouching on his knees on the wooden floor, violently coughing into his sleeve, shuddering with convulsions, gasping in pain, and just wanting home.

The door opened, and he thought he heard someone calling his name, but he was too caught up in the feeling of his lungs being extracted on a fishhook to notice.

"Will," he murmured softly, and then the ground rushed up to close the gap between them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Magnus stared in horror as Jem crumpled to the floor, sleeve spattered with blood. After a moment of shock, he crossed the room quickly and knelt beside the ill boy, drawing him gently into his arms. Alarmed with how light he was, Magnus stood and precariously snatched the phone off the coffee table.

Praying Jem hadn't changed this, he pressed and held '1' until it began to dial Will's number.

"Hello? Jem?"

"It's Magnus," he said in a rush. "Jem's sick. It's bad. Meet me at the hospital."

"Hurry and get him there," Will said in a panicked voice before hanging up.

Throwing Jem's phone next to his in his coat pocket, Magnus hurried to the hospital, hoping Jem's stubborn pride would finally fade. They needed each other, those two, like the night needed the day.

All of the car ride to the hospital, Magnus was looking nervously over at Jem's still form, checking to see if he was still breathing. He was, albeit irregularly.

Upon arrival, Magnus saw that there were people there waiting to take Jem in.

"Did Will call ahead?" he asked curiously.

"Yes, Mr. Herondale told us about the situation," a doctor replied as Jem was taken inside. "We're sorry about all this. You're not used to these attacks, are you?"

Magnus shook his head quietly just as a car pulled up haphazardly to the curb. Looking panicked, Will leapt out of the car and rushed up to the doctor and Magnus.

"Is he okay?" he said breathlessly.

Magnus shrugged as the doctor shook her head solemnly.

"We're not sure," she replied. "But he should wake up soon. Has anything been out of the ordinary?"

Will looked down at the concrete. "C-could heartbreak have an effect?" he asked guiltily.

"Perhaps not directly, but it could cause him to stop taking care of himself and stop taking his medications, which could lead to a worse attack," she responded. "Has there been a problem between you two?"

Will looked up and took a deep breath, preparing himself.

"Not for long," he responded. "Because I intend to fix it."

Magnus felt himself smile widely as he got back in his car. Jem would be in good hands, and the two of them would need a moment to sort things out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Will allowed himself to be led to Jem's room. Bracing himself, he grabbed the door handle and quietly swung the door open, nervous to see the state of things.

Jem was on the bed with his eyes closed and breathing slow and even, though he didn't seem as still as he did when he was unconscious.

"Jem?" he inquired.

Stirring slightly at the sound of another voice, Jem opened his eyes. "Will?"

"It's me," he said softly, sitting in the chair beside Jem's bed. "Can we talk?"

"I don't suppose I have much of a choice, do I?" Jem said flatly, struggling into a slightly more upright position. Will instinctively leaned forward and helped him up, wrapping an arm around Jem's increasingly thin frame and helping him up.

"Thank you," Jem said quietly after Will had retracted his arm and come back to himself. "Now talk."

Will took a deep breath and braced himself- he absolutely was not leaving until they'd fixed this. He knew it was a slim chance, but the chance was there.

"It's been a week since... Well, since we fell to pieces, and it made me realize something. Whatever little affection I thought I had for Tessa was misinterpreted. I was so scared for you, and for what your illness meant for us, that I wasn't thinking straight and I projected my love for you onto anything that could take my mind off of going insane with worry."

Jem's expression softened back into the kind, sweet expression Will was used to. Taking this as a good sign, he plowed on resolutely.

"I love you so, so much. I have for a long time, and I will for the rest of my life. Even if you're gone from me. I want you back in my life, all the time. This stretch without you has been hell, and when I heard you had to be taken to the hospital, Jem, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I'm so sorry for what I did. Can you forgive me? Can we go back to..."

"Back to what?" Jem asked softly. "Back to-" he broke off suddenly, staring at Will's hand.

"Jem? Are you alright?" Will worried, immediately reaching a hand to him. Jem circled thin fingers around his wrist and stopped his hand, sliding his hand until their palms lay clasped together like a prayer.

"The ring," he whispered, "You're wearing our engagement ring."

Will looked down. "Oh," he said, having forgotten, "yes, I am. I put it on when you left that note, and, um... Never took it off. I guess it was my way of holding out hope."

Jem fell silent for several long minutes, broken only by occasional bursts of coughing. Finally, he spoke.

"I've been a fool," he murmured. "A hard-headed, stubborn, hot-tempered idiot."

"What a role reversal," Will quipped. Jem rolled his eyes but Will could see the smile flirting with his lips.

"I'm sorry I dragged this out so long," Jem continued, "for both our sakes. May I see your hand, please?"

Will held out his right hand, and Jem smiled, lightly pressing his lips to the back of it.

"I meant the other one."

Will obeyed, thoroughly confused about Jem's intentions.

Slipping the ring off Will's finger, he smiled.

"If I'm going to do this," he said lightly, shifting, "I'm going to do it properly." Looking Will straight in the eye for the first time in a week, Jem sighed and smiled.

"William Owen Herondale," he began, "I love you to the ends of this earth and I always have, and that won't ever change. Will you marry me?"

Will smiled joyfully as Jem returned the ring to its spot on Will's fourth finger.

"Of course."

"I love you, Will."

Will closed the distance between the two of them and gently pressed his lips to Jem's. There was nothing rough or hurried about this kiss- it was sweet and slow, promising and hopeful. It was the spark of the two of them together once again.

"I love you too."

"I'm sorry for everything," Jem said quietly.

"I am too," Will replied.

"But it's behind us now, agreed?"

"Agreed."

Jem grinned and leaned forward, pulling Will into another light kiss.

"Your nurse will be scandalized when she walks in," Will remarked as he finally moved from the hard plastic chair to the space in the bed beside Jem. "I am not a hospital patient."

"But I am," Jem said, curling up happily against Will's side until they were both comfortable. "And this is making me feel much better."

"Cuddling in a very small, rather uncomfortable bed with your boyfriend?"

"No," came the contented response, "cuddling in a very small, rather uncomfortable bed with my fiancé."

No words were needed after that between the two of them. There simply were no words to describe that perfect, happy feeling of starting again with the one you loved.


	14. "Don't You Two Have Rooms?" (Prompt 3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I FINALLY get my life together and start writing those prompts.

** 12 **

"Jem? Will?" Charlotte called, walking down the hall to Will's room. Having already checked Jem's, she didn't know where else they could be. They certainly wouldn't be awake- they were too young to have really adopted the whole 'rise with the sun, sleep when the job is done' schedule bit Shadowhunters were expected to follow. After all, they were only twelve.

_Knock knock knock._

There was no answer, so Charlotte carefully pushed the door open.

Will's room was empty, sheets cold and tucked tightly as if they'd never been slept in. There was gear strewn all over the floor, intermingled with books and dirty laundry. Wrinkling her nose in disgust at the mess, Charlotte shut the door.

"Henry, where could they be?" Charlotte called in exasperation as she approached her husband. He was standing at the training room door with a fond smile on his face.

"See for yourself," he grinned, gesturing inside.

Curious, Charlotte peered into the training room and felt herself sigh. "Oh, aren't they sweet..."

Jem and Will were curled up in the corner of the training room, facing each other. Both were on their sides, and Jem's head was resting just below the hollow of Will's throat. They were so close together that their legs were almost intertwined, and between them, their hands lay clasped together palm to palm, like a prayer.

This was the first time since they'd arrived that Charlotte had seen either boy willingly stay this close to another person.

Charlotte knelt close to the two of them and shook Will's shoulder.

"Will. William. Wake up," she murmured, reluctant to disturb the peaceful scene.

Both boys stirred at the sound of Will's name, and Will yawned just as Jem slowly opened his eyes.

"What is it, Charlotte?" Will drawled in the same bored tone he gave everyone but Jem.

"Time for you two to wake up," she replied, smiling when Jem blinked several times at the sun streaming through the windows, like a little kitten opening its eyes for the first time.

In an almost simultaneous movement, the boys sat up, scooting away from each other slightly.

"Sorry Charlotte," Jem yawned. "We must have fallen asleep during yesterday's training."

"I can see that," Charlotte said, trying to sound stern. "Don't let it happen again, okay?"

"Okay," the boys chorused.

As Charlotte walked away, she heard Will yawn again.

"You cannot be tired," Jem said incredulously. "You slept all night."

"How do you know? How do you know I wasn't awake, Jem?"

"You snore."

Charlotte had to close the door to hide her sudden laugh.

** 13  **

It was almost a year before Charlotte found the boys like that again when they were supposed to be doing something else. She had caught them in the same room countless times, but they were much better about getting up early now, so she ignored it.

It was a quiet day at the Institute when Charlotte arrived at the library door, meaning to do a little research on a particularly rare demon that had been roaming the streets. It was much too advanced to send a couple of young teenagers after, no matter how skilled Will and Jem may be. She would have to go herself.

When the old door creaked inwards on its hinges, Charlotte's attention was snagged by something in the corner of the room.

She could already see the dark and the fair hair nearly touching on an old sofa by a bookshelf. Upon closer inspection, she saw that Jem was leaning, still semi-upright, against the arm of the sofa, head resting on his folded arms. Will was curled up beside him, long legs sprawled all over the sofa and head on Jem's leg. There was a book laying open, face-down on Will's stomach.

With the tiniest creak of the floorboards, Charlotte peered at the spine of the book.

_A Tale of Two Cities._

It was open to about a quarter of the way through, as if they'd only been at it for an hour or so before falling asleep.   
She plucked it off Will's stomach with deft fingers and marked their page with a scrap of paper.

Charlotte began to walk away to the other end of the library, walking carefully so as not to wake them. Turning around slightly, she looked at the boys.

She really did love these idiots. Truly, she did.

Sure, Will was infuriating, rude, and sarcastic and Jem let Will get away with murder and was maddeningly introspective, but she could overlook all that.

They were both smart, brave, wonderful young Shadowhunters from very broken pasts, and she loved them like they were her little brothers and her children rolled into one.

As she stared, thinking, Jem opened his eyes. He didn't see Charlotte, but instead looked at the top of Will's head with what can only be described as pure fondness. Smiling sleepily, he ruffled Will's dark curls lightly and slipped an arm around his shoulder, once more drifting off.

Charlotte left the library. There would be other days to get research done, but the boys may not get very many lazy, safe, comfortable mornings. She'd let them enjoy their book.

** 14 **

William Herondale was a sullen, moody, and generally rather unpleasant teenager. Charlotte tried to be patient with him, but he could ruffle anyone's feathers with that sharp tongue of his.

Except Jem's, it seems. Jem never raised his voice to Will, or reacted with anything beyond mild exasperation or flat-out boredom. In turn, Will was slightly gentler with him- sarcasm and harshness tempered with little smiles and affectionate tones.

However, at the breakfast table without Jem present, Will was a terror.

Jessamine and Will were arguing again, and Charlotte had her head in her hands as she tried to tune them out.

"Charlotte!" Jessamine squawked angrily. "Will just insulted me in a different language and he won't tell me what it means!"

"Will, stop insulting Jessie in Welsh."

"It wasn't Welsh!"

"Then what was it?"

"Mandarin," he grinned proudly.

"How'd you even know that word?"

"Jem said it to me during training when he thought I deserved it, so I tackled him and pinned him to the floor until he translated." Will looked exceedingly smug, as if tackling his much slighter parabatai off-guard was something to brag about.

Jessamine gave a derisive, shrill laugh. "Surprise, surprise. It's always 'Jem this' and 'Jem that'. If I didn't know the two of you were parabatai, I'd say you were lovers."

Will opened his mouth to protest, expression stormy, but a calm voice from the doorway beat him to it.

"Flattering, Jessamine, but Will's not my type. I prefer someone who can keep their temper when out of my sight for ten minutes." Jem slid into the seat beside Will and fondly cuffed him upside the head. "Honestly, Will."

"Jem, I wasn't expecting to see you this morning," Charlotte said, offering him a plate. "How are you feeling?"

"Well enough to be up and around," he replied, politely refusing the food she pushed towards him.

Will, who had simply been looking at Jem in thinly veiled surprise until now, spoke up. "Decided to grace us with your presence, hmm?"

"Hardly. I could hear you and Jessamine bickering from my room, and decided to make sure you weren't getting into too much trouble."

Will bristled. "I don't need your help staying out of trouble."

In response, Jem only smirked. "Then I came to get you out of Charlotte's hair. Come on."

He dragged Will out of the room and down the corridor, leaving behind Jem's untouched cup of tea and Will's cleaned breakfast plate.

Charlotte sighed in relief and pushed her chair back from the table. She needed a break, she decided. She would start the boys on a new training exercise and then let herself relax and read over the letters she'd been meaning to answer for days now. 

This plan went fine until Will made a biting comment about her relationship with Henry, and Charlotte, suddenly overcome with emotions, fled from the training room to drown out the humming of her mind with work.

It was hours later when she realized how unnaturally quiet the institute was. Looking up from her work, she saw with a start that it was already late into the night- she'd worked through meals and hadn't encountered a soul. Standing and stretching from her chair, Charlotte walked down the hall, pressing an ear to the training room door. There was no noise coming from within, so she leaned away from the door and- 

Wait.

Was that a cough?

Charlotte hesitated with one hand on the door's handle before slowly pushing it open, wincing at the sharp creaking of the old hinges. There, sitting cross-legged in the same corner she'd caught them in years before, was Jem. Will was sprawled across the floor with his head in Jem's lap, inky curls spilling everywhere. 

Jem, who had looked up like a startled deer at the creak of the door, offered her a small smile.

"Nightmares," he explained in a whisper. "It's been three years since... well. Since he left home." A tiny smile flirted with Jem's mouth as he looked down at the Herondale in his lap, absentmindedly stroking his hair. 

"He's really not as bad as he makes himself seem, you know. I do not know _why_  he does it, but he must have some reason."

Charlotte surprised herself by whispering back a soft "I know."

She'd meant to tell Jem to go to bed, or ask why they were in the training room, or tell Will off for his earlier rudeness, but now, faced with Jem's expansive kindness and concern and _love_  for his Will, she couldn't bring herself to do it. 

"I think he just needs someone to hold on to," Jem added, "When he gets scared like this."

"You think he reaches out for help when he's scared?" Charlotte couldn't fathom this arrogant boy asking for help. She could barely process how young and vulnerable he looked now, with only Jem as a protector.

Jem's smile was a bittersweet, crooked little thing when it came after a moment's pause. "Don't we all?"

Charlotte had no response to this but to turn and leave, pretending not to see the gentle kiss pressed to wild curls or the smile that cut through fitful sleep in response. 

** 15  **

Fifteen proved to be a funny age for Will and Jem's relationship. They were still as close as ever, still spent nearly every waking hour in the other's presence, but something had... shifted. Will now went out of his way during training to do something ridiculous or funny or even just noticeable whenever Jem happened to be paying attention. Jem was sneaking little glances at Will as if he had never seen him before, and looking determinedly away whenever Will would return the glance.

Then, one day, it just stopped. They went back to normal- even closer than before, if that were even possible. If anything had changed, they had become more physically expressive; a gentle touch on the shoulders, a brush of hands in the hallway, an embrace that lingered for perhaps _one second longer_  than it should have.

Charlotte was guessing it had something to do with the morning she'd seen them curled up together in Jem's bed, hands laced and foreheads touching, hair a mess. She knew the law- this was grounds to get them separated for good, but...

Love came in all forms, and the Clave was just too small-minded to see it. She would let the two of them be in love for as much time as they could possibly steal from the clock. She cared about them too much to sell them out to the Clave for something as harmless as acting on the feelings that had been palpable in their interactions since they'd been twelve. 

(Also, if Charlotte was honest with herself, seeing them lying tangled up and disheveled from their own passion was pretty damn cute. They deserved to be happy.)

** 16 **

By this point, everyone had simply accepted the fact that if you wanted to involve Jem or Will in something, the other was automatically involved. They came together, and it was an unspoken agreement that if Jem was too sick to carry out a mission, Will would try his level best to delegate it to someone else so that he could stay behind and look after Jem.

This often worked. But when it didn't... the result was often a minor disaster.

"Will, this simply cannot be ignored any longer. These demons have to be tracked down and killed _now_. If we cannot take care of it, the Clave will have our heads," Charlotte nearly pleaded, all sense of dignity flying out the window in her desperation. 

"And I guarantee if you send us out tonight, Jem will be badly injured, sick, or dead when we get back," Will shot back. "He's _not well,_  Charlotte. Oh, he'll pretend to be if we need him to, and he'll go on this suicide mission if you ask it of him, but he is _tired_. He is in pain, and he needs to rest, not chase after some horde of slobbering demons in the dead middle of a London winter!"

"This can't wait!" she exclaimed in response, feeling horribly guilty. "I'm sorry, Will, I really am, but this group has been going after mundanes for weeks now! There may be bigger powers at play here. We need information, and we need it now. Go find your parabatai and gear up." Charlotte drew up to her full height- which was not terribly intimidating, but she could use all the help she could get- and stared straight at Will.  

"And if I refuse?"

Charlotte set her jaw. "Then I'll go ask Jem, and you will be the one that let him take this so-called 'suicide mission' alone." 

Will glared at her and left the room without another word, stalking off down the hall towards Jem's room. Charlotte swallowed a scream before it could leave her throat. Jem and Will both had a stubborn streak a mile wide and a fierce protectiveness of the other, but Will's would be his undoing. She just hoped it wouldn't be tonight. 

A few moments later, Will and Jem stepped across the threshold into the library, both armed and dressed in full gear. 

"Let's hear it," Jem said simply, running a hand through his hair absentmindedly. He truly did look unwell, Charlotte noted guiltily, but he had geared up without complaint and was standing here ready for the information about the mission. 

Her 'fragile', 'delicate', 'sickly' ward was more of a Shadowhunter than half the Clave ever had been or would be. 

"A demon horde has been attacking major population clusters in England, especially targeting hospitals, schools, orphanages, the like- anywhere where they might catch weaker individuals off guard. Based on movements, and their past attacks, tonight should leave them headed for this town," she said, pointing on the map spread out of the table at a town about fifteen miles north, "and whatever vulnerable group they can find. Try to intercept them and kill all but one. Get information if you can, but if you can't... eradicate the group."

The boys exchanged a look she couldn't decipher and nodded. "Anything else?"

Charlotte shrugged apologetically. "It's pouring rain and most of the demons are likely poisonous."

"Brilliant," Jem sighed. "My favorite combination."

"Hey, at least you've got good company," Will teased, elbowing him in the ribs.

Jem rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "I think I'll stick with the poisonous demon horde." 

The boys continued to bicker all the way to the front door of the institute, Charlotte following them to the threshold. Jem threw a coat at Will's face, shrugging his own on with practiced ease. 

"Put that on, we've a long cold journey ahead of us," he said, flicking his own dark hood up. It was indeed a startling contrast with the silver of his hair and unnatural paleness of his skin so close to the black fabric. Will put the jacket on with no snarky comment, much to Charlotte's surprise. They both pulled the heavy doors open and started out into the downpour. 

"Come home safe," Charlotte managed. She still disliked sending them into dangerous situations alone- if she had it her way, she'd keep them home, safe and warm and out of harm's way for a little while. But fate seemed determined to throw obstacles at these boys, so she watched them go down the stairs without another word. At the bottom of the staircase, Jem turned enough to raise a hand in farewell before disappearing into the mouth of the darkness. 

Too unsettled to work, Charlotte slipped into bed beside Henry and closed her eyes. 

_The boys cornered, back to back, as the demons closed in on them. Both of them exchanging a look before they crumpled to the floor under the weight of so many claws and teeth._

_Will's eyes staring at her accusingly over Jem's body, face as pale as paper but chest heaving and stained with blood._

_The boys barely making it to the gate before collapsing to the ground, unnaturally still but wrapped around each other, even in death._

_Will returning alone._

_Demons chasing them home, forcing both of them into a fight they had no energy for. The gate closing, closing, closing, but one demon springing through and-_

Charlotte woke up and sat bolt upright with a gasp. Standing and throwing on a dressing gown, she stepped into the hall. Surely it was just nerves- the boys were fine. They had to be. She'd know if they were in trouble, somehow.

Too rattled by her dreams to go back to sleep, she made her way to the dining room. It was some ungodly hour of the morning, Sophie would not be up yet, but she could make herself a cup of tea to calm herself down.

As she fished in her pocket for the witchlight and finally got the room illuminated, she was greeted with a sight she had not dared hope for.

Her boys were home. Arms folded on the table and heads atop them, so close together that fair and dark hair seemed to bleed together. There were two half-finished cups of tea not far from Will's head, and both of them were sound asleep.

And, more importantly, _breathing._

For that moment, any possible injuries or mission failures did not matter the slightest bit. They were home and safe and asleep.

Will and Jem. Jem and Will. This was a fact- you could not have one without the other. And you could count on them to be together.

However, Charlotte couldn't help the incredulous question that slipped from her lips.

"I know you must be exhausted, but _really?_ The _dining table?_ Don't you two have rooms?"

** 17 **

The entire hallway had fallen under a hush that was broken only by fits of coughing and pained gasps from behind the heavy wooden door. Jem had been horridly ill for nearly two weeks now. He'd pleaded with them not to worry, not to fuss, it was just the chill sitting badly with him. Charlotte had bought this excuse until he had been unable to even get out of bed for three consecutive days. Then, forced to deal with the grim reality of the situation, she had called for the Silent Brothers.

They had not been optimistic about the odds of Jem pulling through this episode, and warned her in advance that goodbyes might be prudent if he did not start to heal very soon.

That had been four days ago. Will had not left his side since.

Jem had been slipping in and out of fever-induced hallucinations and periods of unconsciousness, coughing violently when he was awake and shaking when he wasn't. His breathing was labored and shallow, fever dangerously high, and body racked with tremors and shakes he simply couldn't help. 

Charlotte stood outside his door now, scared to look inside. 

"Will?" she called softly as the door swung inwards. "Dinner is ready. Are you going to eat?"

Will didn't answer. He had one of Jem's pale thin hands clasped between both of his, and he was crying steadily.

"Jem... please, come on, you have to get better. For everyone. For _me._  I need you, Jem, like I need air in my lungs. Come on, James, please... Not yet..." Will begged, still crying unabashedly and acting as if he had not heard Charlotte.

She was just about to call his attention again when Jem stirred slightly, silvery eyes opening with great difficulty as he surfaced into another lucid moment.

"Will?"

"Oh, thank God," Will sighed, choking back a sob as he kissed Jem's knuckles gently.

It felt wrong to intrude on such a private scene, but she couldn't bring herself to turn away.

Jem murmured something, too low and indistinct for her to hear, but Will instantly moved in response, slipping into the space beside Jem and pulling the shaking boy to his chest. 

"I love you. I love you so, so much James. You need to rest and get well again, okay?"

Jem nodded weakly, shifting to fit perfectly against Will's body and looking up at his face sweetly. He gave a tiny, tired smile, and Will bent his head just slightly, closing the minimal space between them and capturing the little smile in a kiss.  

"I love you."

"And I love you."

Jem's eyes fell shut, breathing deepening just slightly as he slipped into perhaps the most peaceful sleep he had been able to have in some time. Charlotte gave them a moment to adjust to their situation before clearing her throat awkwardly. Will looked up quickly and his expression contorted into a rare one of genuine vulnerability. 

She could tell his mind was racing with excuses for what had just occurred, but she required no excuse or explanation. This was simply a fact of life in the London Institute- Jem and Will. Will loves Jem. Jem loves Will. They were a duo, nearly one entity after all this time.

"Are you coming to dinner?" was all she said.

Will gave her a grateful smile. "No," he murmured, looking at Jem's sleeping form. "No, he needs me right now."

"I think, Will, that it would be safer to say," Charlotte began gently, closing the door behind her as he left, "that the two of you need each other. You always have, and I think you always will." 


	15. Love(rs) at First Sight (Prompt 5)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for 5 billion years. Having anxiety and depresssion sucks. Also, this cough is slaying me. Love you guys and your sweet comments, thanks for your patience. You're pretty freaking fantastic.

Jem wasn't entirely sure why he was here. He didn't like to drink, and a loud bar overflowing with people was not exactly his scene.

And yet here he was, regretting his decision to let Tessa drag him here. Just as he thought this, a certain brunette appeared at his elbow.

"Jeeeeeem," she complained.

"Tessaaaa," he replied, giving her a bored look and raising an eyebrow.

"You came because you were supposed to get out of the house," she said, punching his arm lightly.

"Given that I am here instead of on my own couch playing my violin, I'd say that worked."

"You haven't been leaving the house or talking to anyone since you and what's-his-name... Sebastian broke it off," she plowed on, ignoring his flinch and obvious discomfort.

"We didn't 'break it off'. I got bad news from the doctor and that ass dumped me because it was too much for _him_ to handle," Jem corrected bitterly.

"Exactly! He's a prick anyways. I never liked him. I knew you could do better. He drank too much and didn't say 'I love you' enough. Plus, he came to about two of your performances in two and a half years." Tessa was smiling brightly again, clearly pleased with herself for dragging him here.

"So what am I supposed to do here?"

"Buy someone a drink, or let someone buy you a drink. Flirt a little. Get a cute person's number."

Jem shivered. "I don't do... Flirting."

"You've had a long-term boyfriend and two summer flings over the course of your life, Jem, how are you still this _awkward_?"

"We've been friends for six years, why are you still _surprised_?"

She laughed. "No more moping, Carstairs. Time to get back out there."

With that, she went back to wherever she'd been before, leaving Jem alone with his thoughts. Just as he contemplated leaving and calling a cab home, a woman- a girl, really, she looked like she had to have used a fake I.D. to get in- leaned on the bar, directly beside him.

She was very lovely, with pale blonde hair she kept tossing over her shoulder and clear green eyes. The dress she had on was deep red, hugging every curve and stopping at mid-thigh. The neckline also left very little to the imagination, and she seemed to be pleased with the stares she was attracting from all over the room. There was no denying that she was quite beautiful, but she was eyeing Jem as if she wanted to devour him, and Jem was not interested.

' _Please don't say anything, please please don't say anything....'_

"So," she drawled in a voice like velvet, "What's a guy like you doing here alone?"

Damn. Tessa owed him the biggest apology ever.

Jem turned slightly to face her. "Just enjoying a night out," Jem lied. "You?"

"Looking for someone to help make my night a little less lonely," she said, leaning a little closer and looking up at Jem through thick eyelashes. "A girl's got to have some company, you know."

Jem tried to lean backwards as subtly as possible. "I'm sure you'll have no problem finding said company." He was trying very hard to still be polite but convey his disinterest.

Apparently, she didn't get the hint, because she leaned in again, practically pressing herself against him as another song started to play. "My name's Camille. What's yours?" she asked, one hand wrapping around his wrist. Jem peered at their now touching hands and raised an eyebrow.

"James," he replied hesitantly, pulling his wrist away gently.

Camille made a humming noise at the back of her throat. "So, James, what do you say we ditch this place? Go somewhere you and I can get more... Well-acquainted?" A wicked grin turned up the edges of her ruby lips. "Or we could start with a couple drinks here..."

"Flattering, but I'm not interested," Jem said as gently as possible.

She simpered, moving closer until she was directly in front of him, peering up into his eyes. "I'm not proposing anything big," she whispered. "Just one night. Buying a girl a couple of drinks, honey, is that too much to ask?" Jem, very out of his element, sputtered a non-answer just as a deep voice came from behind him, strong hands wrapping around his waist.

"It is when it's my boyfriend you're asking," the voice said, sounding a little jealous. Relieved and willing to play along, Jem tipped his head back to rest on this person's shoulder. He had to fight back a gasp- this guy was gorgeous. Tall, with jet-black curls and startling blue eyes, subtle but defined cheekbones, and from what Jem could feel from where he'd been tugged flush against this guy's chest, he was strong.

"Been wondering where you got off to," Jem said, trying not to stare. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten I was here."

"Me? It's you I've got to worry about. Can't leave for ten minutes without someone else noticing how damn beautiful you are," he said, shaking his head with a smile.

Jem flushed lightly, high on his cheeks, and the other guy chuckled. "You're adorable, babe," he said, dropping a light kiss to the top of Jem's head. "Now, miss, I think you were just leaving?"

Camille crossed her arms, looking unimpressed. "Are you two really dating?"

"Yes."

"Prove it."

The other guy rolled his eyes and leaned down a little, kissing Jem softly. After an initial moment of shock, Jem wrapped his arms around his neck, trying to ignore the fact he was kissing a total stranger. ...But he couldn't deny it was a little nice. This guys lips were warm and soft, and he'd forgotten how much he liked being held in strong arms.

Camille threw her hands in the air and walked off. "Why are all the hot ones gay?" she muttered as she left. As soon as she was gone, the two of them split apart, Jem stepping back slightly.

Rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, Jem awkwardly cleared his throat. "Um... Thanks for that. She didn't seem to be taking the hint."

"No problem. I've seen her do that to anyone she thinks is attractive." This mysterious stranger looked Jem up and down, then grinned. "At least she's got good taste."

Jem felt heat flood his cheeks again. "Well... Thank you anyways,...?" He trailed off, realizing he still didn't know this guy's name.

"Oh, my bad. Name's Will Herondale."

"Nice to meet you, Will, I'm James Carstairs, but everybody calls me Jem."

Will grinned. "I know. I think I've seen you play before."

"Really?" Jem couldn't help feeling a little proud.

"Yeah, my sister is crazy about classical music. I wasn't until I heard you," he said with a wink.

Jem rolled his eyes. "Saved me from a girl flirting with me only to take her place, hmm?" he teased.

Will laughed brightly. "Gotta make it look believable if I'm going to keep my title as your honorary boyfriend."

Jem's heart fluttered a little, giving him a rush he hadn't felt since the beginning of... Well, Sebastian. Maybe it was the butterflies, maybe it was the drink, or maybe it was just months of _wanting to be wanted_ that prompted the next thing out of his mouth.

"You seem to suit the title well, though I don't know if being my knight in shining armor one time qualifies you as a boyfriend." Jem purposely left it open for Will to give him the green light, or to go a different way entirely.

Will raised an eyebrow. "Was that a challenge, James?"

"More like an invitation."

"Oh? An invitation for me to... What?"

"Meet me for coffee sometime this week?"

Will broke out into another heart-melting smile. "Something tells me that's more your scene than a bar."

"See? You know me already," Jem smiled.

"I have a feeling there's a lot about you I don't know yet, James Carstairs," Will said slowly, after a moment's pause. "But I'd sure love to find out." With that, Will very gently cupped his face in his hands and leaned down, kissing him once more. Jem's hands came to rest over Will's heart, kissing back slowly.  When they broke apart again, Will rested his forehead against Jem's and sighed, eyes still closed. "Jem... Please don't tell me you're another drunk decision that we'll regret in the morning."

"No," Jem responded, "I don't make drunk decisions. I do, however, make very fast decisions, and I'm pretty hooked on the idea of you being my next one."

Will smiled and took Jem's hand, turning it so the palm faced him before stealing the bartender's pen off the counter. Jem quirked an eyebrow as Will scribbled something on his hand, then returned the pen. "And I'd love to be your next decision," he said, "but over coffee next time?"

"Yeah... Yeah, that sounds perfect." Will smiled and kissed the back of his hand before walking out the bar's door with a quiet 'goodnight, beautiful.' Looking down at the phone number written across his palm, Jem smiled to himself.

He owed Tessa the biggest thank-you ever.


	16. The End of The Day (Prompt 24)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is one is not as good as it should've been because I am trash. Also, I really just wanted to get a couple chapters out since... Y'know... I haven't... 
> 
> Sorry <3

Jem, Will had decided, was incredibly stubborn.

Most people wouldn't assume that he was, what with the sweet little smile and kind voice and angelic face and all, but under all that, Jem was steel.

He would argue his point firmly and unrelenting if he cared about whatever was being debated. He was not afraid to tell Will his frank opinion where it was necessary, and he certainly didn't let people walk all over him. Will, of course, adored these qualities. It was fun to see Jem be headstrong about something once and a while, and it was usually a good thing- it meant he was communicating whatever was going on in his head.

Today, however, Jem's stubbornness was purely self-destructive.

He was sitting on the windowsill, peering out at the cloudy gray skies. He hadn't said much of anything all day, except short answers and occasionally asking small questions now and again. Jem had coughed more than he'd spoken today, but refused to say he wasn't feeling well.

As Will glanced up from his book, he saw Jem in the same position he'd been in an hour ago. Curled up on the windowsill with his knees drawn to his chest, long arms draped around his legs, facing away from Will. He could read the sadness in every line of his posture, and hear it in his heavy sighs.

"Jem?" Will called softly, "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Mmhmm. I'm fine," Jem said, turning and giving Will a weak smile.

"You seem sad," he continued, book now discarded. "Anything you need to talk about?"

"No, I'm okay, it's just... It's just kind of a bad day. There's not one specific thing that's wrong... I'm just tired..."

Will stood and crossed to the windowsill, drawing Jem into his arms and gently moving them both to the couch. "Tired of what?"

Jem didn't respond. Will gently prodded his side. "Baby, tired of what?"

"... Tired of being sick, tired of being in and out of hospital, tired of not being able to trust my own mind anymore," he said on a quiet exhale, shrinking in on himself and suddenly feeling too small and too fragile in Will's arms. "I dunno... I'm just tired of being James Carstairs."

"Oh, honey..."

Will was at a loss. What did you say in response to that? Jem was tired of the things that neither he nor Will could change- he was tired of a condition without a cure, and of being who he was.

Wordlessly, Will drew him closer and held him tight. Jem gratefully turned and rested his head on Will's chest, snuggling up to him but keeping his face turned away.

"You... You're not going to try anything stupid, are you?" Will asked quietly. A part of him was very scared that Jem would be looking for a way out, and that it'd be hard to notice.

What's one more crack in a broken vase?

Jem coughed for a moment before responding. "Define stupid."

"You'll keep eating, you'll keep taking the medicines you need to be taking at the right dosage, you'll be safe." He pressed a kiss to the top of Jem's head. "You'll take care of yourself."

Jem was quiet, but he nodded into Will's shirt. "And on days when you can't take care of yourself," Will added, "I'll take care of you."

He felt rather than saw the little smile Jem finally gave. Victorious, Will settled back against the couch and moved his laptop from the coffee table to perched on the armrest, twisting slightly to see the screen while Jem lay across his lap.

Jem looked up with a questioning eyebrow, but Will simply stroked his hair and shushed him. "I've got work to do. You hush and sleep."

Ten minutes later, Jem was completely deaf to the world as he slept. Will worked for hours, typing and retyping the same concepts again and again until he was satisfied.

The quiet was unusual in their little apartment, Will noticed. Jem, while not a loud person by any means, was typically either talking to Will, playing the violin, humming to himself, or mumbling something under his breath in Mandarin. Whatever it was, Jem was always bringing some sort of happy little background noise to their life. Will hadn't noticed until he was asleep and all he could hear was the clacking of laptop keys and the steady rise and fall of deep breathing.

Suddenly, those breaths were interrupted by a little startled gasp. He looked down quickly, but Jem appeared to still be asleep. He was curling in on himself, hands up over his head as if to ward off an attacker.

"Jem," Will murmured softly, trying to wake him.

Jem flinched away as if he'd been scalded, murmuring something pleadingly in Mandarin. Whatever Jem was dreaming about was powerful enough to instinctively send him to his native language. To Will's horror, Jem's nervousness in the dream slowly turned into grief and intense, paralyzing fear. He was trembling and crying out in Will's lap, a shaking mess. Tears began to streak down pale cheeks, and Will's heart finally couldn't take it. He took Jem by the shoulders and gently shook him, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

"Jem. Wake up."

Jem opened his eyes with a gasp.

"You okay?"

Jem moved away from Will and sat on the edge of their sofa, elbows braced on his knees.

"Yeah... Yeah, I think I'm just going to go rest for a bit," he mumbled, slipping off to their room and closing the door behind him.

Will sighed. His baby was having a crap day, and something had to be done.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Jem emerged from their room much later, having forgone street clothes for more comfortable pajamas some time ago. Will, perched on the kitchen counter, gently slid off onto the floor and hit play on his phone. The opening chord of their song floated through their kitchen, catching Jem's attention and causing a smile to tug at the corner of his mouth.

"It's our song," he smiled, "What's the occasion?"

_When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night skies, or a beautiful sunrise, there's so much they hold..._

"It's late and you looked sad all day, so baby please just dance with me," Will said softly, holding his hands out.

"In the kitchen?"

"Where else?"

"In our pajamas?"

"We can skip the clothes altogether, if you prefer."

Jem just shook his head with a smile and took Will's hands, allowing himself to be tugged flush against Will's chest. Thin arms looped around his neck just as Will wrapped his arms around a slender waist, swaying back and forth softly as the song played in the background.

_Well I won't give up on us...Even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. Still lookin' up, Still lookin' up..._

They danced until the song faded into silence, bodies drawn together and foreheads touching. Even after the song ended and a silence fell over the kitchen again, Will kept him close and gently tried to keep the sadness and the demons away from his beautiful, stubborn boyfriend. 


	17. The Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry for the long gap between updates. My time management skills are nonexistent and I'm bad at Dealing with Real Life Things.

"You are the most stubborn bastard I've ever met," Will said as Charlotte left the room.

"Looked in the mirror much lately?" Jem replied, slipping his weapons belt on.

"James. Stop deflecting, I'm being serious. This is a very bad idea."

"What do you mean?"

Frustrated, Will grabbed Jem by the shoulders and forced him to meet his eyes. "You're not well, and you refused to tell Charlotte, so now we're heading to bloody Scotland to track down a rogue vampire clan? Which part of that sounds like a good idea to you, James?"

"Maybe the bit where it's our job?" Jem's eyes were steely and he straightened visibly under Will's grip, coming eye to eye with him.

Will felt himself soften a little. "You aren't strong enough for this. It's killing you. If you would just let yourself stay here, out of harm's way..."

Jem's eyes flashed, clearly struggling to keep a handle on his temper. "This is what I was born to do and I have never known another life. Take it or leave it, Will, but this is who I am, and I will not let my condition change that." He spoke firmly, turning his back on Will once again to get their weapons ready.

"Sometimes I think our lives would have been easier if you'd been born a girl," Will sighed. When Jem said nothing, he continued. "I could marry you and keep you safe, have you stay at home with a much quieter life..."

"Comforting to know that's what you'd do with me," Jem said flatly, handing Will his weapons belt and walking out of the room. "Marry me to keep me captive."

Will's eyes widened. "No, that's not what I... That's not the only reason I'd marry you!"

"But it was the first that came to mind," Jem said, a bit sadly. He leaned against the doorframe, slight figure crumpling on itself.

"Jem, you know I love you, that's why I'm so worried," Will said, attempting to make amends.

"Save it, Will, I've heard your speech before," Jem sighed, running a hand tiredly through his hair, a habit he'd developed as it had grown lighter. "I love you too, but please don't worry about me. I'll manage."

Will, frustrated once more, violently yanked on his weapon's belt until it was settled comfortably at his waist. "Fine. It's your life."

Jem's mouth quirked into a small, bitter smile. "So they tell me."

~•~•~•~•~•~•

"Why," Jem sighed, "is it always raining on these missions?"

Will flicked his hood up over his already damp hair, swinging into the saddle and patting the horse's quivering flank. "Because it's not enough we've got to be on alert for two days each way," he said sarcastically. "It has to pour rain as well."

Jem sighed and mounted his horse, pulling up alongside Will. "Let's go, then."

Wordlessly, they took off at a quick walk, navigating the narrow winding streets of London until they hit the outskirts. Jem was completely silent throughout this portion of the ride, leaving Will alone with the rain and his thoughts for nearly two hours.

When they began to encounter less and less people along the road, the silence became less of a necessity and more of a lingering discomfort.

Will fidgeted in the saddle slightly, glancing to his right and peering at Jem. He was sitting, relaxed and upright, with the reins very loosely in one hand. He looked perfectly at ease, though Will knew he could be prepared for a fight at a moment's notice.

"Jem," he called over the light tapping of the rain against the earth, desperate now to break the silence.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry... For what I said back at the Institute. You know I wouldn't marry you just to keep you locked up at home, I'd marry you because I love you. Hell, I'd marry you tomorrow if I could. I just wish you wouldn't be so..."

"So...?" Jem mimicked, raising an eyebrow.

Will thought about his word choice very, very carefully. Just as he was about to dismiss the sentence altogether, a word came to the forefront of his mind.

"Self-destructive."

To his surprise, this earned another bitter smile from the other Shadowhunter. "When your options are to let your precious little time pass you by or live and self-destruct, I think many would choose to live." Jem paused and coughed into his sleeve, ignoring Will's pointed look. "Otherwise, my life won't have meant anything."

Will felt his heart break a little. The universe had not been kind to Jem, but he was still so willing to get back up every morning. Will adored him with every fiber of his being, but all the love in the world could not protect him from everything. Jem helped everyone he could, however he could. Everyone whose life he touched, he impacted, and he thought that his life was somehow meaningless because it was doomed to be short?

"Your life means something," Will said gently, pulling the horses up alongside one another to be as close as possible, "Whether you choose to fight or not. But you are always worth something."

Jem's free hand found its way to Will's, lacing their cold fingers together without another word.

Much of the day passed in silence again, but the tension had lifted with Will's apology. Jem was beginning to cough at increasingly frequent intervals, but waved off every concerned glance or offer to stop and rest.

After one particularly rough cough left him gasping and swaying slightly in the saddle, Will pulled to a stop.

"Let's stop for the day," he said gently. "We've already covered most of the journey, and tomorrow we have to be on high alert. We should rest."

Jem gave him a grateful look. "Perhaps that would be best," he said breathlessly, pulling to a stop just ahead of Will.

They dismounted smoothly, Will wrinkling his nose at the mud that splashed up around his ankles.

"Guess a dry spot would be too much to ask for," he grumbled.

Jem gave a derisive snort. "Of course."

"Please tell me one of us remembered the little tent contraption Magnus and Henry had been working on."

"In your saddle bag."

"I love you," Will sighed in relief, rummaging through until he found it. "Now how the bloody hell does this thing work?"

Jem paused. "I thought you knew."

"I thought _you_ knew."

To Will's delight, this earned a light laugh from Jem.

"Let's figure it out then."

After a few minutes of struggling and loud cursing of Henry's inventions (mostly from Will), the tent had been pitched and was tucked snugly against the trunk of a nearby tree.

Will gently guided the horses to a drier spot with a firm order to ' _stay here_ ', and then turned back to see Jem looking around, muscles suddenly tense.

"What is it?" he asked, instantly standing beside him.

"Something went through here. Something... Not human."

"How can you tell?"

Wordlessly, Jem gestured to the tree limb closest to him. Upon closer inspection, Will saw what had sent Jem on high alert.

The leaves were splattered with dark blood, and there were gashes deep in the wood. It left a trail across the limb and down the trunk before vanishing into thin air.

"It's still wet," Jem observed. "Whatever it was, it was here shortly before we were, or..."

"Or it's still here," Will finished. "Should we move on?"

"Yes," Jem nodded. "We need to track this thing, it could be the clan we're after."

"Are you well enough to keep riding?" Will asked softly, pulling Jem closer and pressing gentle lips to his forehead, one hand resting over a slim wrist to find his pulse.

He was feverish, but not yet faint or dizzy. Elevated heartbeat and fever were not uncommon with Jem, even when coupled with the coughs; the rain, the chill, and the exertion usually made him thus.

"I will have to be," he replied steadily. "Take down the tent, I'm going to see if I can find a trail."

"From where?"

Jem had already leapt onto the lowest limb of the tree. "From up here."

Will wanted to tell him to get down, or to wait, but the gravity of the situation was starting to unnerve him. "Be careful," he finally said.

Without another word, Jem vanished into the canopy of the trees. The branches were thick and had grown nearly woven together, giving the perpetual feeling of someone breathing down your neck. Very cautiously, Jem crept up the branches, one hand straying to the knife strapped to his back.

The blood trail continued upwards to the higher levels of the trees, until it suddenly stopped near the uppermost branches.

"What on earth...?" Jem muttered to himself. He looked around, now confused. Had the trail started here and he'd been following it in reverse? But what could've started the trail this high?

"Come on, Carstairs, _think_ ," Jem muttered in exasperation. "You've done this before..."

Running a hand through his hair, he looked around again, very slowly. The trail stopped in a shaded spot on the tree, but maybe it continued further up...

The tree branches were becoming very thin and unsteady, but Jem carefully slid onto another branch, immensely thankful now for his slight build. He reached above his head, pushing a branch obscuring his view aside, and-

Jem reeled back, horrified, and realized his mistake too late.

_Crack!_

The tree branch snapped beneath him. Jem desperately lunged at the nearest one and held on as the other branch went plummeting all the way to the ground.

"Jem!" Will called up in a panic, "Are you alright? What did you see?"

"Will... We've got another body. They were here."

"What?"

Struggling in the tight confines of the tree on already depleted strength, Jem attempted to pull himself back up.

"A mundane, by the looks of him. Probably close to our age, maybe a bit older. They must've crossed paths with him and killed him," he managed, breathless.

"That's not all we did, Nephilim," a voice hissed in Jem's ear. "Too bad you'll be dead before you can find out what we've done."

Jem craned his neck, moving violently with a startled cry. Crouched on a branch a few feet away was a vampire, blood staining his face as if he'd fed recently.

"Don't count on that," he said in a steady voice. "Shadowhunters tend to be hard to kill."

"I'll try my chances," it snarled, lunging forward.

Without thinking, Jem let go of the branch and dropped. After a few heart-stopping seconds of falling, he braced himself and hit the ground in a roll, coming up in a crouch.

"Jem, what happened up there?" Will extended a hand, pulling him to his feet.

"They're here, they're here, in the trees," Jem said quickly.

Will swore loudly and tossed a set of reins at him, taking his own and vaulting into the saddle. "Come on. We don't stand a chance under the trees."

The horses snorted and stomped skittishly as the first vampire came down from the tree tops.

" _Go_ ," Will said sharply, and both horses bolted forward towards the open clearing.

The vampires, seemingly appearing from the shadows, followed in hot pursuit. The distance between them was dwindling quickly, and the horses were panicking. Will looked to Jem and nodded, vaulting off the horse to land in a crouch while Jem smoothly dismounted and hastily scrawled a rune on the bridle of each horse, sending them running away with a click of his tongue.

"Will they go back to Charlotte?" Will asked softly as Jem took up his position to his right.

"Directly. If something should go wrong, she'll at least know we were taking a stand against something."

"We'll tell her ourselves," Will promised.

Jem mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'Maybe you will' before their enemy was upon them.

The clan halted, looking at them with hungry eyes.

"The London Shadowhunters sent you to fight with us?" one scoffed, stepping forward, "You are no more than children."

"We tend to grow up quickly when all we know is a life like this," Jem replied coolly, sounded unamused. "You've been killing for sport, and we've come to end that. Using whatever means necessary."

"Strong words from the little silver one," the head vampire practically cooed. "You look like one of us, boy. Maybe we'll spare you and just kill your friend."

"He is not one of you," Will said in disgust. "Nor will he ever be. He has actual morals and intelligence, two traits you obviously lack since you piss off Shadowhunters for fun."

The whole clan snarled, edging forward. "Watch your mouth, boy, or I'll cut out your tongue," he snapped.

"Enough of this! Do you admit to what you've done and surrender to the Clave?"

"Never!" They all cried out in inhuman voices and sprung forward.

Both warriors threw blades up just in time to block the first onslaught. In a fight like this, there was no time for elaborate strategy or any empathy; this was a whirlwind of teeth and strength against blades and practiced movements.

Jem felt his chest tightening in pain after a few moments, but bit his lip harshly and fought on, moving from one motion to the next in a fluid sequence without ever drawing back. He could not afford to be ill now, or he would die. _Will_ would die, and he could never allow that. On and on the fight went, with Jem's motions slowly shifting from offense to weary defense as the last of his strength began to wane.

Unfortunately, there were still nearly a dozen bloodthirsty vampires backing the two of them into a corner against the tree line. Will felt Jem's back press against his own, and was alarmed to feel how quickly his parabatai was breathing.

"James," he murmured. "Just hold on."

"Trying," he shot back under his breath. "Getting hard to breathe."

They moved back as the vampires advanced another step.

"You take left, I'll take right?"

"Fine."

Together, they lunged again, each with half a dozen sets of teeth and claw-like nails to worry about.

As the night began to lighten, Will could feel the vampires begin to go mad. Taking his opportunity, he turned to stab his last enemy through the heart, when-

" _Will, look out!"_

He whirled just in time to see Jem throw his last dagger directly into the heart of a vampire about to pounce on him. Weaponless, Jem swayed on his feet as another sprang from behind him and attacked.

Will made to go to him, crying out loudly, but found his path blocked by the leader.

"It doesn't matter how much you try to ignore it, little Nephilim," he teased. "Your darling little silver one is not cut out for this. Look," he gestured to where Jem was barely managing to fight off the vampire, bloody cuts and gashes already lining his face and chest and one wrist clearly broken. "He's dying in front of you. And his blood, gah. Not able to be stomached. He will die here in your arms."

With a wordless shout of anger, Will decapitated the leader in one lightning-fast motion, leaving his mouth open in a ghastly smile. As he ran for Jem, he saw him manage to finally free the knife from his back and stab the creature, shoving it away and laying back on the blood-soaked ground.

"James!" Will cried, kneeling beside his love and quickly drawing the slight figure into his arms. "Come on, let's get away from this place."

Jem hissed through his teeth in pain, eyes hazy and unfocused. "Will... Don't waste your time..." He coughed roughly, hiding it weakly in his sleeve. The cloth came away freshly spattered with blood. "I won't make the trip back to London."

"Don't talk like that, of course you will. Just let me find my stele..." He trailed off, rummaging quickly through his pockets and the weapons belt.

It was nowhere to be found, and Jem's had been broken in the fight.

"Well, we just need to get you back home and we can call the Silent Brothers," Will said, walking quickly. "Just keep breathing."

Jem gasped in pain at the change in pace. "Will... Please..."

Will felt tears begin to form in his eyes as he looked down at Jem's thin, bloodied form. He stopped and gently sat at the base of a tree.

Jem's breath seemed to come a little more easily now that he was still. "Thank you..."

Crying softly now, Will bent and kissed his forehead, no longer surprised by the scorching fever. "My love, thank you. For everything. I owe you my life..."

Shaking hands found Will's and laced through them, as if hoping to find a final burst of strength through them. "And I owe you everything, my Will."

"I love you..." Will whispered, averting his eyes from the horrible red stains on Jem's gear.

Jem began to answer but was seized with racking coughs, gasping and trembling as the fit ran its course.

"Stay with me... Please..." Jem managed on the exhale.

"Always. Wait for me on the other side, Carstairs."

A tiny smile flirted with the corner of Jem's mouth, a strange contrast to the knowledge that his very life was vanishing rapidly. "Take your time, Will Herondale. I'll be there."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

James Carstairs died that night, only two hours before Charlotte and Henry found them. When they arrived, Will was still holding the body to his chest and crying, one hand clutching his parabatai rune. The London Institute was sent into a period of mourning so painful that the simple sound of a violin in the streets or the sight of Jem's closed door could send them clinging, grief-struck, to one another.

Will took to visiting the engraved stone and leaving small trinkets now and then when his heart was strong enough to look at Jem's gravestone. It looked very small, alone in a corner where wildflowers grew. Jem's body had, of course, been burned so that the ashes could be added to the Silent City. Charlotte, however, had tearfully said that Jem should have a small gravestone somewhere.

Exactly a year after his death, Will found himself sitting crosslegged in front of the stone, a small circle of metal clutched in his palm.

"Do you remember the fight we had before we left on our last mission?" Will whispered in a choked voice. "The one about me marrying you to keep you safe? I meant what I said. I would have if the Laws hadn't threatened to separate us." He swallowed and let his family ring fall into the shallow hole dug before the stone. "I've been wearing yours all this time. I figured it was fair to give you mine."

He gently kissed the Carstairs ring, still snugly on the fourth finger of his left hand.

"I love you, James Carstairs."

And as he stood to go back inside, impatiently brushing the tears from his face, he could've sworn he heard the wind sigh with a soft 'and I love you.'

Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.


	18. Just... Let It Go! (Prompt 35)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this when one of my friends was obsessed with Frozen as a passive-aggressive way to get them to obtain some chill. Enjoy.

James Carstairs considered himself a very tolerant person. His lot in life didn't really leave him much room to be otherwise, if he was honest with himself, but he still considered it one of his better qualities. Very little genuinely irritated him- honestly, would he have married William Herondale if he was easily aggravated? No. It would've been a death wish for the both of them.

But if he heard that infernal song _one more time,_ he was making Will stay with Magnus.

"Will," he sighed. "That movie came out ages ago, can you listen to a different song? Please?"

Will gasped dramatically, one hand over his heart. "Turn off a song from Frozen? Sung by _Idina Menzel?_ Never!"

Jem rolled his eyes. "If it's Idina you're looking for, go listen to the Wicked soundtrack. Or watch Rent. Or any of her performances _but that song,_ please."

Will rolled his eyes. "You and your musical theater," he said playfully. "No respect for good cinema anymore."

"Don't scoff at Broadway," Jem warned, pointing a finger threateningly in Will's direction. "And I like movies just fine. We go to the movies together all the time. I just think the Frozen soundtrack is overplayed."

Will smirked and picked up his phone, finger hovering over 'play.'

"Will, don't you dare."

His smirk grew.

"Will, _no."_

A raised eyebrow, and then-

" _The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen..."_

_"Will,"_ Jem sighed. "Rude."

"Oh, come on, honey," Will smiled, crossing the room and wrapping his arms snugly around Jem's waist. "Indulge me for one song."

Jem leaned his head onto Will's shoulder, already feeling his resistance crumble under the stare of those big blue eyes. "Fine. Consider yourself lucky, Herondale."

Will kissed his head. "Thanks, babe. I love you."

"I love you too, even if you have terrible taste."

Will raised an eyebrow mischievously. "Oh, I have terrible taste, do I?"

"Maybe a little- WILL, what are you doing??" Jem exclaimed loudly as Will picked him up and waltzed out the front door. "Put me down!"

"No."

"Where are we going?.... Will, don't you _dare_ open the gate to that pool."

Will grinned and pushed the gate open, standing on the edge of the pool, Jem still slung unceremoniously over his shoulder.

Jem half-heartedly socked his shoulder. "Wish I was taller than you now," he grumbled.

"You wanna repeat that comment about terrible taste, Carstairs?"

Jem took a deep breath. "Your multi-month obsession with Frozen leads me to believe you have really bad taste."

"Oh yeah?" Will grinned. "Well, at the risk of repeating myself..." With next to no warning, he tossed Jem into the deep end of the pool.

"Let it go, let it go," he half-sang, half-laughed as Jem surfaced for air, silvery hair now plastered to his forehead.

"I'm going to make you sleep on the couch," Jem complained, treading water and looking up at Will with a smile. "You jerk, I could've had my phone in my pocket."

"Hmm. Maybe you'll think twice about being rude to your husband."

"I did think twice. I just didn't stop after the second time."

Will laughed. "And you blame me for the little one talking back to us. C'mon, let's go back up." He extended a hand down to Jem, who took it and hauled himself out of the pool, shaking most of the water out of his hair, trying to get as much as possible on Will's shirt and face.

"Damn you and your Frozen puns," Jem laughed.

"Ah, you love me."

"That I do. Maybe I'm the one with bad taste," he gently teased, lacing his finger's through Will's.

Will scoffed in the back of his throat and walked back to the door, which he'd left ajar.

"Please. I am a catch."

Jem snorted. "You are a royal pain in my-"

Just then, a little face appeared around the edge of the doorway, framed by wild black curls. "Daddies?"

"Right here, buddy," Will said, kneeling and ruffling his hair.

Little James grinned widely, then looked curiously at Jem's wet clothes. "We go swim?"

"No, not today, _baobei_. Water's too cold," Jem said, bending and planting a kiss on the top of the toddler's head. "When it's warm outside, we'll swim."

"Oooh... Okay!" he chirped, grinning. "We go read?" the little one added, tugging on Will's sleeve curiously.

Will broke into a wide smile. "Sure thing, James. We'll go read." Turning and kissing Jem's cheek, he allowed himself to be led into the second bedroom, where James inevitably had puzzles and books strewn everywhere.

Jem smiled to himself, shaking his head, as he pulled the door closed and locked it. He wouldn't give up the people in this house for anything.

Even if Will did have questionable taste in movies.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

James was occasionally a bit stubborn to get to bed, so Will and Jem usually collapsed into bed, exhausted, and slept or cuddled until the little one decided the day had started. Will always joked that alarm clocks were made for those without toddlers.

Needless to say, Jem was a bit annoyed when, at 4:30 in the morning;

_"LET IT GO, LET IT GO, AND I'LL RISE LIKE THE BREAK OF DAAAAWN!"_

"That's it," Jem mumbled, rolling over and pulling a pillow over his ears. "William Owen Herondale, I am filing divorce papers if I hear that song one more time!"

There was a dramatic gasp from somewhere above him. "James, not in front of the child!"

Jem opened one eye and glared up at Will, who did indeed have the baby on his hip.

"The sun isn't up yet, so why am I?" Jem sighed, rolling over to face the two.

"Let's go watch the sunrise from the roof."

Jem felt his frustration seep away. "You're so sweet," he smiled, standing and wrapping an arm around Will's waist, leaning against his free side. "Let's go."

Up on the roof, Jem looked at Will in the faint light of dawn and smiled softly. Will really was beautiful, and seemed happier now with their simple, domestic life than he'd ever been in college or before he'd become a father. Shifting his gaze down, he smiled at their little one, currently sleeping nuzzled into his side. He didn't blame Will; he couldn't remember ever being happier.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something, Will stood as the sun began to crest the horizon.

Jem raised an eyebrow. "Will, what are-"

" _Here I staaaaaaaand, in the light of daaaaaaaaaaay! Let the storm rage ooooooooooooooooooon!"_

Jem threw up his hands, exasperated. "I'm calling a lawyer. This marriage is _over_ ," he laughed, shaking his head.

"You love me."

"You're testing my limits."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Two days. It had been two days, and still Will refused to communicate in anything but Frozen quotes or lyrics. Jem would've been impressed if he wasn't so sick of it.

He was already awake when the proper alarm went off, telling him to wake up for rehearsal.

Mornings always went the same way in the Herondale-Carstairs house; Jem would get up and wake Will before getting in the shower. Will, who wasn't a functioning member of society without coffee, got up and made coffee for himself and tea for Jem, and would then take his shower while Jem woke the baby.

This arrangement had taken some time to arrive at, but as Jem had to leave earlier and never used hot water while Will waited until the last possible second to leave and used _all_ the hot water, it seemed to work.

As he stepped into the shower, an idea crossed his mind. Smiling, he weighed it back and forth in his mind before it solidified into a plan.

If Will wanted to have it his way, that was fine. Two could play at that game.

About ten minutes later, Will was ready to step into the shower and Jem was in the kitchen getting breakfast for James. Right as he heard the water start, Jem reached over to the hot water on the tap and quickly turned it on full-blast.

Will yelled loudly in surprise at the sudden blasts of icy water from the shower head.

Laughing quietly to himself on his way out the door, Jem kissed James on the forehead and cupped his hands around his mouth, calling his revenge back towards the bathroom.

_"The cold never bothered me anyway!"_


	19. Procrastination at Its Finest (Prompt 34)

Will sighed contentedly and thought he could stay like this forever. Jem, who had been talking excitedly about the score of a movie they'd just seen, had fallen asleep with his head in Will's lap, and they were both snuggled under a thick blanket on their worn couch. The apartment was cozy and warm despite the wind and rain outside. They'd ordered takeout since it was Friday (and neither wanted to cook), and Will felt full and lazy and content.

That is, until Magnus decided to ruin the domestic moment by calling him.

Will picked up quickly, shifting so his back was against the arm of the couch with Jem between his legs and pillowed on his chest.

"Hey, Mags, what's up?"

"I just wondered what the plan was for tomorrow!" Magnus exclaimed. "What are we doing?"

Will was at a loss. "Um... Tomorrow?"

"Yes, tomorrow!"

There was a long pause, and then Magnus gasped dramatically.

"William Herondale. Tell me you did not forget what tomorrow is."

Thoroughly confused, Will shrugged before remembering Magnus couldn't see him. "What's tomorrow?"

"It's Jem's twenty-fourth birthday, you dolt!"

Will swore under his breath, suddenly very aware of the warm weight against his chest. "Shit. Is it tomorrow? Damn, I thought it was next month."

"He's been your boyfriend since high school, asshole."

"I know! And I've always remembered before, I don't why it snuck up on me this year." Will shook his head with a sigh. He had approximately two hours before it was technically Jem's birthday.

God bless the fact that James Carstairs was not a morning person.

"Well, you can't ignore this one. It's a big deal!"

"What's a big deal about being twenty-four?" Will was getting more and more confused every time Magnus opened his mouth.

Magnus sighed, and Will could practically see him raking ring-studded fingers through his hair in disappointment. "Think back to when we went to the doctor with Jem a couple years ago. When he was rediagnosed? Remember what they told us?"

Will felt his heart sink. "They told us he probably would never make it to his twenty-fourth birthday."

"See, you do have a brain behind that pretty face of yours. Yes, Herondale. Your boyfriend is kicking the ass of a disease that doctors don't even fully understand and looking fine as hell while doing it, so we are damn well gonna celebrate him tomorrow! We need a plan! And you need to get a gift!"

It was no use arguing when Magnus spoke in exclamation points.

"What can I do this late? He's asleep on me on the couch, and everything is closed."

Will could _hear_ the smirk in Magnus's voice. "Not if you know where to look. New York never sleeps."

"We live in London!"

"Irrelevant!"

"I don't understand you."

"Well, come misunderstand me at my apartment so we can make a last minute plan since I'm apparently a better boyfriend to your boyfriend than you are."

"Hands off, Bane."

"Then up your game, Herondale," Magnus fired back with a laugh. "You better be here in ten minutes."

And with that, Magnus (ever the dramatic one) hung up.

Will tosses his phone onto the side table and sighed, running a hand through his hair. How could he have forgotten Jem's birthday? He never forgot birthdays or holidays or anniversaries. Especially this one, of all birthdays...

Sighing, he managed to extract himself from the sofa without waking Jem and scrawled a hasty note on a Post-It, sticking it on Jem's forehead with a light kiss to his hair.

Grabbing his keys and coat, checking the pockets for wallet and phone, Will made his way to the door, shivering as he descended the staircase down to the street. He signaled for a cab and gave the address that was almost as familiar as his own.

When he arrived at Magnus's building seven minutes later, he paid the cabbie and bolted into the lobby, desperate to stay out of the rain.

Magnus's building was far more expensive than Will and Jem's was. The decorations and kind of people you saw in the lobby only served to underline this fact. Magnus had moved here after landing a solid modeling contract.

Will and Jem, on the other hand, had recurring hospital bills and student loans to pay off. Enough said.

Will was jolted out of his thoughts when the penthouse door swung open to reveal a very impatient looking Magnus.

"Come in, come in, we haven't got much time."

"This whole thing seems very cliché," Will remarked with a smirk as he entered and slipped out of his coat. "You know, late night phone calls, inviting me to leave my sleeping boyfriend at home and come over, the rain, your _unnecessarily fancy_ silk robe, my dashing good looks..."

Magnus cuffed him upside the back of the head delicately. "If you ever cheat on Jem with an older, wealthier man, I will castrate you."

Will laughed. "I know. So what's the plan?"

Magnus sat on the couch, and Will sat down beside him, propping his chin on a hand.

"Dinner?"

"That's what we did last year."

"Bar?"

"Jem doesn't drink."

"Club?"

"Again, Jem doesn't drink."

"You don't need to be drunk to dance."

"No, but we will be, and he shouldn't have to be the designated driver on his birthday."

They fell into silence for a moment.

"Strippers?"

"Do you know my boyfriend at all? He'd blush from hairline to collarbones."

Magnus frowned. "I was really hoping you had a plan, Will."

"I know, I know. I never forget his birthday, I don't know what's wrong with me."

Magnus put a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "Hey, don't beat yourself up, love. He's fine with something small."

Will opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a knock on the penthouse door.

"You expecting company, Mags?"

"Nobody but you," he replied, standing and walking to the door.

He opened the door, and a storm-tossed Tessa crossed the threshold. "Hello, boys. Procrastinating the birthday plans?"

Will looked down sheepishly.

Tessa sighed. "Honestly, I am always cleaning up your mess. Luckily for you, I came prepared." Opening her purse, she pulled out a bottle of red wine and a white envelope.

"Wine for us..." she said, yanking the cork out with her teeth and handing it to Magnus, "And the envelope for Jem's birthday." She tossed the envelope to Will and swept into the kitchen to get glasses.

Will and Magnus stared after her in amazement.

"She's a goddess," Will managed finally.

"She really is," Magnus agreed. "What's in the envelope?"

Will peered inside and felt a grin creep across his face.

There were four tickets to go see _The Phantom of the Opera,_ which was Jem's favorite production ever. He could play nothing but that score for weeks and be content.

"Theater tickets?"

"Theater tickets," Will affirmed. "Matinee show."

"Just you and Jem?"

"All four of us, actually," Will grinned. "Let's see if we can make an online reservation at that Italian place downtown for afterward."

Magnus motioned toward his laptop as Tessa came back into the room with three glasses. "Have at it."

"So, do we have a plan now?" Tessa asked as she poured herself a glass of wine and left the bottle on the coffee table for the boys to treat themselves.

"Yeah," Will said as he sat back on the sofa. "The show at two o'clock, then an early dinner at the nice Italian place downtown afterward. We can meet at our place beforehand to do gifts, if you want."

"And after dinner?"

Will gave a wicked grin. "You are not invited to the after dinner plans. It's not exactly conducive to company."

Tessa smiled as Magnus nodded. "Sounds good to us."

"Do you have a gift for him yet?" Tessa inquired, raising an eyebrow over the rim of her glass.

"Um... Maybe." Will shrugged. "I've been writing something for him. It's not quite done, but..."

"Will, give it to him anyway. He loves your writing," Tessa prodded softly. "It's thoughtful and sweet and it'll make his day."

"Also, you don't have time to go out. It's almost midnight, and you should get home eventually," Magnus pointed out.

"I think I'll stop by that music store he likes on the way back. It's open twenty-four seven," Will said with a sigh, stretching out on the couch.

"Ass off my couch, Herondale. Go get your boyfriend a birthday gift and get home to him so he doesn't wake up alone on his big day," Magnus said, rolling Will off the couch with a smirk.

"And what are you two going to do?" Will said, standing and brushing himself off with mock indignation.

Tessa giggled and raised her wine glass. "Enjoy life to the fullest, darling, of course."

"Don't show up hungover to our apartment tomorrow," Will warned as he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.

"Wouldn't dream of it, love! Adieu!" Magnus made a shooing motion with his hands as Will rolled his eyes and stepped into the elevator.

As the elevator doors slid closed, Will allowed himself a smile. Contrary to popular belief, he really did love his idiots. Even if they did make life unpredictable at best. He was fairly sure most families were like that. So what if their family didn't follow the usual recipe?

The quiet ding of the elevator drew Will's attention back to the situation at hand, and he pulled his coat tighter around himself before exiting the lobby into the chill of London at night.

A quick purchase at the music store and a cab ride later, Will was standing on their floor, digging through jacket pockets in search of his keys. As he let himself in, he looked around the apartment, wondering if Jem had woken at any point.

The note he'd left on Jem's forehead was stuck to the coffee table with something else neatly written beneath his own scrawling script.

_'I have no idea why you went to Magnus's in the middle of the night, but thank you for not waking me. I hope you took a jacket.'_

Will smiled to himself, and went to the kitchen and turned on a light.

He had a lot of preparations to make for the big day.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

The first thing Jem was aware of when he woke up was that he was alone in their bed. Rolling over slowly and grabbing his phone off the nightstand, he dimmed the brightness with eyes still closed before opening them with a yawn.

The notifications for several messages surprised him. Quickly swiping and entering Will's birthday as a habit, he wondered what all the messages could be about.

It didn't hit him until halfway through Tessa's unnecessarily long emoji sequence that it was his birthday.

Smiling now, he read through birthday wishes and excited messages from Magnus, Tessa, Jessamine (which was a bit of a surprise), Charlotte and Henry, and a few of his colleagues from the orchestra.

After reading them all, he tossed his phone gently back onto the bedside table and smiled up at the ceiling, stretching with a sigh. It was nice to be remembered by so many people.

Twenty-four...

 _Twenty-four._ Jem sat up rather suddenly, trying to clear the sleep from his mind enough to think.

He was never expected to live past twenty-three, and here he was, feeling reasonably well and very loved on the morning of his twenty-fourth birthday. He smiled and ran fingers through his hair.

 _'Not bad, Carstairs_ ,' he thought to himself as he stood and felt his joints pop. ' _You may live into your thirties with Will yet.'_

Speaking of Will... Where was he? Was he still with Magnus?

Curious now, he ventured out into their living room and smiled fondly at the scene before him.

Will was standing in the kitchen with his back turned, presumably making breakfast, judging by the smell of the apartment, and humming the piece Jem had been rehearsing all week under his breath.

"Well, aren't you a pretty sight," Jem sighed, leaning against the doorframe.

Will turned around, spatula in hand, and grinned widely. "Happy birthday, babe!"

"Thanks." Jem walked over and kissed Will's cheek softly. "Where'd you end up last night?"

"Mm. Kiss me now. Talk later."

Jem grinned and obliged, sitting on the countertop and yanking Will closer by the collar of his shirt. Will allowed himself to be pulled close, gathering Jem in his arms and standing against the counter between Jem's legs.

Will let his hands rest lazily on Jem's thighs and Jem instinctively wrapped his arms around Will's neck in response.

Sighing happily, Jem melted into Will's arms and let himself be carried away until-

"Shit, breakfast," Will mumbled when the timer went off, shrilly piercing their little bubble.

Laughing, Jem slid off the counter and stood on tiptoe, kissing Will's jawline and heading towards their bedroom. "I'll be right back. I'm going to put some real clothes on, as I'm almost certain you're plotting something."

Will looked him up and down, sending a flush creeping up Jem's face. "Feel free to come back without the clothes."

"And do your job for you? I don't think so," Jem replied innocently.

Will snorted a laugh, turning back to ensure the kitchen didn't catch fire again.

Jem returned to the kitchen moments later, looking much more awake. "So? Why exactly did you leave the apartment so late and go over to Magnus's place?"

"Oh, just finalizing plans for today," Will said with a smile.

"Mind sharing those plans?" Jem asked softly, standing behind Will and wrapping arms around his waist. Standing on tiptoe, he tucked his chin onto Will's shoulder and placed a teasing kiss just beneath his ear.

Sighing contentedly, Will turned and leaned back against the countertop, keeping Jem flush against him. "Hmmm... Maybe they should be a surprise," he teased.

"Will, you know I don't like surprises," Jem chided, smiling and standing on tiptoe to steal a kiss.

Just as Will wrapped his arms around Jem's waist and kissed him again, the door flung open and Magnus swept in enthusiastically with Tessa close behind. Surprised, Will jumped back and turned his attention back towards breakfast with a sheepish grin. Jem, who had a practically nonexistent embarrassment threshold, simply laughed.

"Happy birthday, darling!" Magnus exclaimed, sweeping Jem up in a tight hug that quite literally knocked him off his feet.

"Thanks, Mags," he gasped, laughing. "But put me down!"

Magnus ruffled his hair fondly after setting him back on his feet. Tessa was next, though it was- thankfully- a much more demure hug.

Jem really didn't want to push his luck today. His lungs had a past history of randomly deciding to not work as lungs at the slightest provocation.

Tessa pulled back and looked at Jem searchingly for a moment. Leaning in to kiss his cheek, she whispered, "How are you feeling?"

Jem smiled softly at her concern and gave his standard reply. "I'm fine, Tess, don't worry about me."

She smiled widely. "Good, because we have celebrating to do!"

Raising an eyebrow, Jem looked between the three of them curiously. "Anyone want to share those celebrating plans with me?"

"First, pancakes," Will said, pushing a plate into everyone's hands and ushering them towards the sitting area. "Then presents. _Then_ plans."

Jem rolled his eyes, but kissed Will's cheek. "You are far too good to me," he murmured softly, feeling a rush of affection for the three people in the apartment. It was quite a lovely feeling, to be celebrated.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

They had arrived at the theater after exchanging gifts, and Will was trying to memorize the look of happiness on Jem's face. His pale eyes were lighting up with excitement, smiling as he talked energetically with Magnus and Tessa. Magnus, true to form, was gorgeously but eccentrically dressed, drawing more than a few looks, and Tessa looked stunning with brown curls falling down her back and a blue dress hugging her hips and falling to her knees.

Will knew he looked rather dashing at the moment as well. A jacket and tie look had always served him well, and Jem had told him before that he filled this particular suit jacket out very well.

Despite the beautiful company, Will could not keep his eyes off Jem. Dressed very simply, and having forgone a tie in favor of a more relaxed appearance, he was a study in contrasts, dark fabric against pale skin and one slender hand wrapped in Will's larger one.

Leaning over just slightly as they took their seats, Will whispered, "You look good enough to eat today."

Jem gave his shoulder a playful shove. "All good things to those who wait."

"That's a lot of waiting."

"We'll be home eventually, and then I am yours."

Satisfied with this, Will straightened up into his own seat and smiled when Jem's fingers once again wound through his own as the lights began to dim and the orchestra began to play.

The show, naturally, was phenomenal, and Jem was riveted throughout the entire performance. Will knew his fingers would be just itching for his violin to play with some of these melodies and orchestral movements.

The lights came up at intermission, and Will stood up to stretch. He offered a hand down to Jem.

"We've got fifteen minutes. Want to take a walk with me?" Privately, Will was really hoping he'd say yes so he could give him the rest of the birthday present... the story he'd written. He'd almost given it to Jem that morning, but had chickened out at the last second since Tessa and Magnus had both been there.

Accepting the hand, Jem smiled. "Sounds wonderful."

They cautiously made their way out of the row of seats, Jem more gracefully than Will (broad shoulders and narrow aisles are not the best of companions), and finally emerged into the fresh air.

"I.... I have another gift for you," Will said without preamble.

Jem arched an eyebrow. "You already gave me a gift, darling."

"Hence the word 'another'."

Jem rolled his eyes, smiling. "Fair enough."

Wordlessly, Will drew the small book out of his jacket pocket and handed it to Jem, who accepted it with wondering eyes.

Will was absolutely wracked with nerves while Jem looked through the short collection of poems and stories, smiling at some points and brow furrowing at others.

Jem closed the book, hands trembling a little, and said nothing for a long moment. Finally, Will couldn't stand the silence any longer.

"I know it's not much, but-"

"I love it," Jem interrupted, looking up at him with bright eyes. "The way you write, it just... it captures my heart within three sentences and I'm hooked for good. It's perfect, thank you." Jem wrapped his arms around Will's neck and kissed him, surprising Will a little.

After a moment or two, the lights inside flashed twice, signaling for everyone to take their seats. They reluctantly broke apart and made their way back inside hand in hand.

When they sat down, Tessa and Magnus could see the book still in Jem's other hand and smiled.

Will leaned in close as the music began to swell.

"Happy birthday, James."

Magnus caught his eye and winked, Tessa quickly shielding her laugh with a cough. Will could feel heat creeping into his cheeks.

He was never going to hear the end of planning this day the night before, was he?

 


	20. Making A Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Jem is done with your shit, Will

In hindsight, Will reflected, teasing James Carstairs, someone who'd been trained to be a warrior, skilled beyond his age since he could walk, was not one of his better ideas.

But sometimes it was just too easy.

Truthfully, he hadn't meant for it to become a running joke, but these things had a way of happening. And as many of his exploits were wont to do, it had begun at breakfast.

~•~•~•~•

Jem had been ill the previous day, but had insistently waved Will off when he offered to stay, telling him to get some rest in his own bed and that he'd be fine come morning.

Normally, this statement would have been met with rolled eyes and a kiss to shut him up, but Will was exhausted from the hunt earlier that day. He had simply gone to his own bed (which was becoming unfamiliar territory) and slept until breakfast.

Henry was there, nose buried in a newspaper, while Charlotte attempted to make conversation with him. Jessamine had already left to go downtown, and Tessa had arrived at breakfast shortly after Will. Jem was the only face missing from the breakfast table, but he'd been ill. This was a scenario they'd grown accustomed to after all this time.

Will was pleasantly surprised when Jem joined them partway through the meal, looking pale and slightly unwell, but none too worse for the wear. He said a polite 'good morning' to everyone, but shook his head when Charlotte offered a plate to him.

"Not hungry?" Charlotte asked, brow furrowing in concern.

Jem gave a reassuring smile. "No, I've not yet recovered my appetite." At Charlotte's worried look, he smiled again and laughed softly. "Don't look at me like that, Charlotte, no harm will come from skipping breakfast."

"I don't know," Will drawled, looking at Jem with eyes twinkling. "You can hardly afford to skip any more meals before you're a walking skeleton. You don't really have any weight left to lose."

Tessa elbowed his side, shooting him a look and whispering "Don't be rude!" under her breath, but Jem simply smiled.

"Not all of us are built like rugby players, William," Jem replied mildly. "And you eat enough for both of us, I think."

"What are you implying, James?" Will shifted forward in his seat, one arm now braced on the table.

"I could ask you the same question, William," he deadpanned, that little devil, matching Will's grin with one of his own. After one long moment of staring, they rose simultaneously and started out of the room.

"Where are you two going?" Charlotte asked, shaking her head in bemusement.

Looking back over their shoulders, both boys called, "Training room!"

~•~•~•~•

That had been the first time Will had gently teased him about how thin he'd become. Jem had held his own quite well, but his lungs eventually caught up to him and forced him to cede the round to Will.

Will could've gotten away with it if he'd left it alone after that.

But no, he had to go and open his big mouth  _again_.

~•~•~•~•

This time, they were alone in Jem's room. Jessamine forced Tessa out to buy new dresses, Thomas was escorting them, and Charlotte had dragged Henry off to some Clave meeting at a neighboring Institute. That left them alone in the building, save for Sophie, who was discreetly avoiding their wing of the Institute to give them a bit of space.

Savoring the rare privacy, Will had placed a locking rune on the door and kissed Jem senseless. Jem had wound his arms around Will's neck, standing on tiptoe, and carefully moved backwards until the edge of the bed bumped the backs of his knees. Taking advantage of this lovely new development, Will moved forward and fell to the mattress, bracing himself up on his elbows and looking down at the beautiful boy sprawled beneath him, smiling up at him.

"By the Angel, I love you," Will murmured, pushing a stray lock of silvery hair out of his eyes.

"I love you too," Jem said in an equally hushed voice, winding his fingers through Will's hair.

Will looked Jem over once again, heart twisting with concern at the visible ribs and the sharp angles of his collarbones, hips, and shoulderblades. Despite this, he was still radiant. A muted kind of beauty, much like the moon.

The lump in his throat blocked the sincere words from rising, so Will did what he always did and made light of the situation.

"Heavens, I feel like I may crush you in this position," Will teased, kissing down the pale column of his neck. "You're so lovely, it's hard to believe you aren't a sculpture or something else delicate that I can only break, no matter how gentle I am."

"You're feeling poetic tonight," Jem sighed, head tipping back to the pillows as Will's mouth began to make speech difficult. "But I am no fragile glasswork, William, and I will not shatter if you hold me."

"Are you certain?" Will skimmed his fingers lightly down Jem's sides, coming to rest on the cool skin at his hips and relishing the little shiver this drew in response. "You seem to be bound together by moonlight and shadows."

"I don't recall inviting Samuel Coleridge into my bed," Jem replied mildly, a smirk flirting with the corner of his mouth.

Will nipped at the sensitive skin beneath his ear and smiled, speaking in a slow, deep voice. " _People of humor are always in some degree people of genius."_

"I suppose you think yourself terribly clever, then," Jem teased. Slender fingers wound in Will's fingers, combing along his scalp with soothing motions.

Will melted into the mattress at the comforting touch, passion set aside to savor this peace.

Jem's breath left his lungs in a short exhale, and he pushed Will's shoulder lightly. "Get off me, you big lug, I can hardly breathe."

Making himself comfortable, he sprawled out over Jem like a quilt. "Make me, or admit defeat. Face it, I have the advantage of not being built like a bird," Will teased, nuzzling into the curve of Jem's neck.

Jem mumbled under his breath fiercely, and though individual words escaped Will, his tone was crystal clear.

"I bring you to bed, and you quote poetry and then sit on me and refuse to move?"

"... It would seem so."

"You'll not be invited into my bed again any night soon if you keep this up, Herondale."

~•~•~•~•

Will supposed he had technically ceded that incident, since he let Jem up, but he was still quite pleased with the eventual outcome.

James Carstairs had always had a weakness for a pretty face, and Will's was as pretty as they came. He managed to get what he wanted, even if meant Jem was carefully adjusting his collar the next morning to hide the evidence. He gave Will a stern look, but Will simply grinned. Jem was never really chastising him; he adored the attention, if not covering the marks later. 

He could've stopped then. But he wasn't content with being welcomed back into his beloved's bed. No, this nonsense teasing went on for  _weeks_. 

~•~•~•~•

Tessa was sitting on the Institute's front steps, book in hand, enjoying a rare pleasant spring day when Will and Jem came down the stairs, bickering.

"Alright, but then couldn't you kill the demon with the poison of another demon?"

"Not within the confines of the riddle, no. And practically speaking, most demon poisons are not instantaneous." A wry smile. "Trust me on that one."

A flush creeped up high cheekbones, and Tessa gave up all pretense of not eavesdropping and watching over the top of her book. "Of course, forgive me."

"No harm done. So the question is, if the demon cannot be killed by Angel, Nephilim, mundane, or creature of Downworld, how do you kill it?"

Will paused, contemplative. "I haven't the faintest idea," he finally admitted. Jem appeared to be very smug about this situation.

"Well, don't just smirk at me, Carstairs, tell me! How would  _you_  kill the damned thing?"

"It would have to kill itself," Tessa piped up from her perch on the steps. Smiling brightly, Jem sat down beside her, long legs stretched down the steps below him.

"Precisely, Miss Gray," Jem said, beaming up at Will and motioning to the space beside him for Will to sit.

Will unceremoniously flopped down and elbowed Jem in the ribs lightly. "A demon isn't going to self-destruct, James, I think Henry's riddle is absolutely bonkers. Just like the riddle maker himself."

"Could you starve a demon?" Tessa wondered aloud. "Or deprive it of whatever fuels their movement?"

Will gave a wicked grin, and Jem pointedly ignored him. "Miss Gray, you are downright dangerous," he said with a crooked smile. "Remind me to stay in your good books."

"As if you could be anywhere else," she laughed. "I'm starting to think even our enemies like you."

Jem shrugged. "Compared to Will, a baboon seems to have excellent manners. It's hardly a testament to my character."

" _Excuse_  me!" 

All three laughed, relaxing on the steps. 

"In answer to your question, Tessa," Jem said, with a smile in his eyes, "Yes, I think you could starve a demon."

Will snorted. "You would know."

Tessa looked at Jem with wide eyes, amazed once again at the things he let Will say to him with no reaction. Jem simply raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Am I the resident authority on demons here?"

"Not on demons..."

"What, on starving?" Tessa asked incredulously, eyes sweeping quickly over Jem's thin form. "He doesn't look starved. Thin, yes. Starved, no."

"Thank you," Jem said rather wryly. "And thank  _you,_ Mr. Herondale, for that wonderfully original comment. It isn't as if you've made similar jokes for nearly a fortnight."

"Ah, lighten up, Jem. The riddle set it up for me."

"Well, here's a little something else for you to ponder." Jem leaned forward, arms braced on his knees and eyes dancing with mirth. "I am oath-bound to protect you from bodily harm from others. I am  _not,_ however, forbidden from inflicting that harm when you're being vexing."

Tessa burst out laughing before she could catch herself. This was so unlike Jem, normally so polite and reserved in her company, that she found herself very amused.

Will only snorted a laugh. "Please. You, my friend, would sooner jump off Blackfriar's Bridge than hurt me. Besides, I think you may shatter if you lift a seraph blade." Will's tone was teasing, and he and Jem locked eyes for a long moment before Jem stood.

"William, stand up."

Will complied, and in one (very unexpected) motion, Jem scooped him up into his arms, carrying Will like he was a bride on her wedding day. Will made an undignified squawking noise, and Tessa giggled behind her hand. She rose too and followed when Jem carefully descended the steps onto the front grounds and-

_Splash!_

_-_ dumped Will unceremoniously into the duck pond.

When Will came up for air, Jem stood with a smug grin on the edge of the pond and folded his arms over his chest.

"Have I made my point?"

Will spat out a mouthful of riverbank mud with a disgusted expression. "Quite eloquently, I should think."

"Excellent." Jem smiled. "Good luck prying your shoes out of that mud."  As he ascended the front steps, he turned back with a wicked grin.

"Oh, and mind the duck," he called over his shoulder.

To the sound of Jem and Tessa's laughter, Will swore loudly in every language he knew how and scrambled out of the murky water.

Dripping wet and heart pounding on the stone steps of the Institute, Will ran a hand through his damp curls regretfully.

Yes, perhaps teasing James Carstairs was not one of his better ideas. No idea was a good idea if it ended in thick mud and bloodthirsty ducks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being inactive for so long, my life is a mess, but thanks for sticking with the boys and me!


	21. New Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which tessa finally figures out the boys are Not Straight

Wandering back to her room after a sleepless look around the library, Tessa stood outside Jem's door, pausing in the middle of the hall. There was talking from behind the thick door, which was not unusual, even at this hour. Will and Jem never seemed to sleep. However, it did not sound like Will and Jem's usual chatter. It sounded like they were arguing.

"Actually, I'm done talking about this. Goodnight, Will." 

"I cannot believe you, James."

"Believe whatever you want, William, this is how it is."

"When did you start being so  _stubborn_?"

"My apologies, I didn't realize you had a monopoly on that."

"No need for sarcasm, James."

"Isn't there, though? Isn't that why we're here to begin with? Because you use sarcasm and cruelty as an emotional crutch?"

"Jem, I said I was  _sorry_ -"

"'Sorry' doesn't cut it this time, Will." Jem's voice was sharper than Tessa had ever heard, and definitely the coldest he'd ever been speaking to Will.

There was a long, heavy silence before either of them spoke. The room nearly sounded dead, and Tessa pressed her ear against the door.

Will sounded stricken when he finally spoke again. "James... You can't not forgive me. You're all I have, Jem! If you don't forgive me, I have.... I have nothing left."

"Don't you dare try to guilt me into forgiving you, William Herondale. Don't you  _dare_."

Will sighed in frustration. "I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm trying to make you see reason."

"Reason?  _You_  are attempting to make  _me_  see reason? That is either a poor attempt at humor or sickeningly ironic, seeing as the whole thing that started this was your inability to be reasonable."

Will sputtered for a moment and tried to talk, but Jem's voice cut him off sharply. "No. I don't want to hear it. I don't know what you were thinking, Will, but how could you?" The anger had slipped out of Jem's voice, leaving it quiet and hurt. "After everything. After what you know the consequences were. After you'd seen it  _ruin me,_ you still treated that damned poison like another challenge you could conquer to prove a point."

"James, I-"

"Do you even remember what you said to me when I found you to bring you home?" Jem demanded. "Or had you already been consumed by it?"

There was another deadly silent pause.

" _Damn_ you, Will, you don't even remember. You'd already taken enough to be completely under the influence." Jem made a soft noise of disgust. "Count your blessings you did not wake up with a streak of that hair of yours going silver."

"What did I say?"

"Nothing you need to hear." Jem's voice had lowered to a quiet yet impassably cold tone.

Will paused for a moment, and exhaled slowly, clearly trying to collect himself. Tessa found herself pressed tightly against the door, trying to catch every noise in that room.

"James. I have a feeling that whatever I said is the root of this fight, and I'm honestly tired of fighting with you. I hate it, and I know you do too."

Jem didn't respond, but he did sigh softly.

"So please, just tell me what I said that was so offensive," Will continued. "So we can move past it?"

Jem's voice seemed to deflate a bit, losing its anger and sounding defeated. "No. I can't bring myself to say it."

"Why?"

"Because if there was any truth behind what you said... If you truly felt that way... It would break something irreparably. And like it or not, William, we are bound by an oath not easily broken."

"Until aught but death part thee and me," Will said sadly. "Was it that awful, whatever I said? Jem, I love you more than the world, you know that. You must know that by now. Whatever I said to hurt you and make you so wary of me, I'm sorry."

There was a pause broken only by slight shuffling of movement before Jem spoke in an impossibly soft voice. Tessa strained to hear, hoping no one walked down this hall to see her eavesdropping.

"I came to find you because you'd been longer than usual. I was worried. The tracking spell led me down to East End, and I found the ifrit den you'd seen fit to spend the night in." Jem's voice was flat, as though he was recounting something that had happened to someone else. "I helped you outside, told you to come home, and you pushed me away. You said the institute was not home for you, and that you were being dragged down by a promise you regretted."

Will sounded absolutely stricken. "James, I-"

Jem cut him off, voice dangerously sharp. "I reminded you that it had been you that offered, and that I had told you plainly of my condition."

"I was out of my mind, I didn't know-"

"You looked at me," Jem continued. "You called me James. You knew who you were talking to, and you said you'd pitied the trembling, sickly orphan in the library that day and you never actually anticipated having to follow through on it." Jem cleared his throat. "I was the convenient choice. The easy choice. The one who would be enough of a fool to love you without asking for anything in return." 

Will made a sound as though he'd been struck. "No," he said, more air than voice, "No, I couldn't have... I said...  _James_ , I'm so  _sorry_. You know, you must know, I never meant to hurt you."

"But you do," Jem said. "You choose the words that will hurt the worst, and you snap and snarl at the world and there are days you forget to... to sheathe your claws around me. You seem determined to hurt anyone who dares to get close to you."

"...Did I really say all those things?"

"To a word," Jem said, sounding as if he had deflated somehow. "And I am done speaking to you about it. Please, go."

Tessa clapped a hand over her mouth, aghast. Had Will really said those horrible things? Will was often abrasive and rude, but never to Jem. Kind, sweet, thoughtful Jem, who had never done anything but support Will and keep him safe. Tessa felt her temper flare in defense, but managed to keep from storming in. 

Will sounded tearful when he finally spoke again. "James... I am so sorry I ever said those things to you. But I swear on the Angel, Jem, I do not actually feel that way."

"Forgive me if I am not immediately comforted."

"'James, look at me. Look at me." Will's voice softened. "You are my best friend, the other half of my soul. I could sooner stop my heart from beating than hurt you on purpose. I meant none of what I said. I perhaps rely too frequently on the depths of your patience for me, but I beg you to stop, to think, to remember how far out of your head the poison takes you. To know that you were talking to a wretched, lowly version of Will that does not exist, thanks to you."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I never told you I regretted my vows to you, no matter how far away I was."

"No," Will agreed with a sigh. "You always seem to know me. And a pretty apology won't fix that. I will leave you to rest, if that is what you want, but I need you to know that I love you, and that I am grateful every day that you agreed to be my parabatai. It could never be anyone but you."

Jem's voice was uncertain. "I want to believe you..." A slow intake of breath. "But I can't stop hearing your voice. It was as if you examined my heart and soul just to find the weakest points."

"There are no weaknesses in your heart or your soul, James Carstairs," Will said fiercely. "You are unshakably and entirely good, and perhaps too gentle for this harsh world and the rest of us with our black-edged hearts. You are nothing but goodness and light, and I love you."

Jem paused, sighing slowly. "You would tell me, wouldn't you? If you truly felt that way?"

"You would know before I would," Will replied. "You have always known my mind better than I. Can't you use that and see I am being sincere in my apology and in my affection?"

The room was silent for so long that Tessa wondered if they'd noticed someone was listening in. Her heart began to race, but just as she began to creep away, Jem spoke again.

"I believe you."

Will heaved a relieved sigh. "Oh, thank the Angel." There was a shuffling noise, though Tessa could not discern what the movement was. "I love you, Jem, and I'm sorry to have hurt you. I never mean to hurt you, but I fear I make a royal mess of that."

Jem's voice was oddly muffled when he spoke. "I forgive the sober version of you. But Angel help me, William Herondale, if I find you drugged past recognition again, my so-called gentle heart will not hesitate to make you regret it."

The conversation took on a bit of their playful banter again, though something was still off. Apology aside, it was obvious Jem was going to need some time to work through this and wrestle with his own internal demons.

"Point taken, my love."

Tessa's eyes widened with the implication.

"Good. Then you're forgiven."

Will sighed, audibly relieved. "Thank you, James."

"Don't thank me. Just don't do it again."

Tessa stepped away from the door, suddenly feeling as if she was intruding on something very private. The tone in the room had shifted to something incredibly tender and careful, as if both boys were afraid of breaking something precious.

"Am I allowed to stay?"

"I suppose."

"Then come to bed, Jem."

Tessa stifled a gasp. Were they...? Surely not, there were laws against that. But it would explain so much. It would explain why Will was usually so gentle and kind to Jem, why Jem looked at Will like he'd hung the moon, why they seemed to know each other's hearts inside and out.

There was another shuffling noise, and a soft sigh.

"I didn't think I'd be letting you stay tonight," Jem admitted. "I was more upset with you than I'd ever been."

"And you had every right to be," Will replied softly. "But I'm glad you let me stay."

Jem laughed softly, and Tessa felt some of the tension leak out of her shoulders as the room relaxed. "When have I ever turned you away from my bed? I don't sleep well without you anymore."

"I can't even remember the last night I spent in my own room," Will laughed, voice slow and soft. "It's always better here. With you."

Tessa blushed across her cheekbones and moved away from the door. Creeping down the hall before she gave herself away, she did not relax until her door was shut behind her. She leaned back against the door and sighed.

She'd come to a lot of new realizations about those two this evening. Part of her felt as if she should say something to Charlotte, but the larger part of her decided to keep their secret. They both had so little in this world. They should at least have each other.

Laying on her bed, she stretched. Her heart was conflicted over what she'd heard- after all, it wasn't every day that one found out the two boys one loved were in love with each other- but she shoved that aside and smiled.

She'd been looking for a book to read, but she'd found something much more interesting. Maybe eavesdropping wasn't precisely the most ethical way to spend an evening, but could she help it if they made it easy?

As she drifted off to sleep, Tessa was oddly comforted by the fact that down the hall, the two boys she cared about were doing the same in each other's arms. Two halves of a whole belonged in the same bed, she thought sleepily, even if it meant there was no more room for her. 


	22. Blind Date Debacle (Prompt 19)

Shifting his violin case from shoulder to shoulder, Jem hesitated a few meters away from the park bench, wondering whether or not he should attempt to check on the crying stranger. He really didn't want to talk to a stranger right now, but his heart was already feeling guilty for not making sure the stranger was okay, or at least keeping them company while they cried on a park bench.

He approached carefully, not wanting to startle them. "Hey... Are you alright?"

The stranger stiffened and their head snapped up. Jem's breath caught in his chest. This stranger- a man, he could see now that his head was up- was breathtaking. Dark curly hair framed high cheekbones and eyes that were somewhere between the ocean and the night sky. Even teary-eyed and a bit disheveled, he was something out of a novel, seeming out of place on a dingy London park bench beside Jem and his battered violin case.

He gave a shaky laugh. "It's been a bit of a rough night."

Jem sat on the other end of the bench. "Do you need someone to listen?"

The stranger looked at him for a moment, eyes flicking from head to toe and back again. Jem wanted to cringe away from the stare, but he held steady and kept his demeanor calm.

Lord, his heart was racing. Initiating random conversations was so far out of his comfort zone he didn't even know where he  _was_. Although, he'd been doing a lot of things like that lately (at the urging of Tessa and Jessamine, those traitorous vixens). He'd even agreed to be set up on a blind date sometime next week. If he could do that, he could make conversation with this distraught and distractingly attractive stranger.

"I don't even know you," the stranger said after a long moment.

Jem set his violin case down by their feet and extended a hand. "I'm Jem Carstairs." The stranger finally smiled, albeit a bit shakily, and shook his hand.

"Will Herondale."

"So, Will, do you need someone to listen? Sometimes it's easier if you don't know them."

Wasn't that the truth. It was much easier to talk to someone if you didn't have to face their pity the next day. Some things could be kept in, but some things would eat at your heart if you didn't tell someone.

Will was quiet for a moment, then began to talk.

"It's been rough. My older sister was in a crash with a drunk driver, and she's still in the hospital. They're not sure how well she's going to recover, so Ma and Da are frazzled but I'm too far away to be of any help. I went back for a couple weeks, but there's only so much time off I can take. I'm trying to go back next weekend, but..." He sighed and put his head in his hands. In a wildly uncharacteristic move, Jem put a hand between his shoulder blades  and rubbed soothing circles down his spine.

After a deep breath, Will kept talking. "And the girl I thought was the one just  _dumped me_ last month because she thought we'd stopped being right for each other. Something about the shape of our hearts not fitting together any more or some bullshit like that." He made a strangled noise. "Maybe we weren't and maybe our hearts didn't fit together any more, but damn it, I thought I loved her!"

Jem continued the soothing motion, listening quietly as Will vented his troubles to the London night. Something was lingering at the back of his mind, some strange sense that he knew this guy somewhere. He knew he'd never met him; he'd remember that face. 

"And, for the proverbial icing on the fucking cake, I got stood up tonight. On a  _blind date_." Will laughed, head still in his hands and fingers tangled in his wild mane of hair. "Guy hasn't even  _met_  me yet, and he didn't show up! Before I even got a chance!"

Jem was beginning to have a very bad feeling about this.

"A blind date, huh? Do you know what their name was?"

Will sniffled a little, pulling himself together. "All Magnus would tell me is that his name was James. He knew him through a mutual friend or something."

Jem's hand stilled in its path, and he began to mentally curse himself in every language he knew. He wasn't even sure he was breathing.

Will turned to look at him. "Something wrong?"

"His name is James?"

"Yeah."

At this, Jem did swear aloud, making Will smile a little. "Will, I'm so sorry. I... I think I was your date."

Will's smile vanished. "What?"

"That was  _tonight_??"

"It's the twenty-second, isn't it?"

Jem groaned and leaned his head against the back of the park bench. "Damn. I'm so sorry, Will, I'm horrible with keeping dates straight."

"Are you sure it's you?"

"Does your Magnus work with a girl named Jessamine?"

"Fiery, pretty, blonde, takes no shit?"

"Yeah, that's her."

"He does..."

"Then it's definitely me."

Will looked at him for a long moment. "Then why are you here? At the park?"

"I had a doctor's appointment earlier today, and the medication I'm on makes it hard to sleep." Jem carefully skated around the truth of the matter; he was tired and had been sick most of last week, but too anxious and wound up to even try to go to sleep without having an anxiety attack. "I decided to take a walk." That much was true.

Will looked at him for another long moment. His gaze seemed to search Jem's very soul, and he once again fought the urge to squirm. Seeming content with what he found, Will stood and offered a hand down to Jem.

"Well, here we both are, after all. Shall we make a night of it?"

After a brief moment of  _oh god what's happening is this a good idea probably not_ , Jem stood and took the offered hand, slinging his violin case back over his shoulder.

"Sounds like fun."


	23. For King and Country (Prompt 30)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4K of historically inaccurate fluff and Royal Gays

The whispers throughout the castle were growing more urgent by the day.

_He's getting worse._

_He hasn't left his rooms in days._

_I heard he stopped eating._

_He's dying._

_The king is dying._

The kingdom had just emerged victorious from a bloody war with the territories to the north, and the king's illness had at first been chalked up to exhaustion.

It was nearly three months later, and he'd never recovered. The doctors were baffled and the castle's staff was beginning to worry. King Carstairs had always been a kind and a fair ruler, the likes of which had not taken the throne in half a century. He'd managed to do what no other had done and defeat the northern powers, securing them as allied territory once and for all.

If he died, the question of who would take the throne would undoubtedly be a messy one. King Carstairs had no children, no queen, and no younger siblings. There was not a blood heir to the throne, which meant he would have to leave a descendant in his will.

Naturally, there were some who took news of the king's illness as joyful news, seeing an opportunity for the throne. And that's how Will came to be knocking on His Majesty's chamber doors to ask if he had indeed allowed for an audience with a group of rich young men from an eastern province. 

Hesitant, Will lifted the heavy knocker a few times. "Your Majesty? Something requires your attention."

It was a long moment before he heard the king mutter a faint "Come in."

Carstairs looked horrible. He was white as a sheet and much too thin, slender hands trembling at his sides a bit. He was leaning back against the pillows and headboard of the four poster bed, eyes closed and looking terribly weary.

"Name, if you please," Carstairs prompted gently, bringing Will back from his concern.

"My apologies, sir. I'm William Herondale, and I-"

"Ah, yes, William. I thought I recognized your voice, but couldn't place your name. What is it you need?"

"Four men are here from the eastern province. They claimed to have an audience with you, sire? I wanted to be sure that was true before showing them to the Great Hall."

"For that, you have my thanks. They do not have an audience with me today nor any day I can recall. Have someone dismiss them, please, I'm simply not well enough."

If Will was honest, he did not look well enough to stand, let alone hold an audience with power-hungry aristocrats waiting to be written into the royal will.

"Is there... Anything I can do for you, sir?" Will asked quietly.

Jem gave a tired smile. "I'm afraid not," he sighed, "No one has been able to figure anything out yet."

"I... I'm sorry, sire," Will managed through a tight throat. Of all people to be stricken with this, why the king? He was kind and good-hearted and had suffered enough already, with the loss of his family and the hardships of his rule. Why the king?

"It is not your fault," he said gently. "There's no one at fault, really. It just seems to be my lot in life."

"You deserve better," Will said fiercely, instantly regretting his outburst and wishing dearly that the rug would swallow him whole.

Carstairs simply seemed amused. "I deserve nothing more and nothing less." His eyes opened slowly, locking onto Will with a piercing gaze. "Perhaps it is a sign that it is time for me to step down."

"No!" Will blurted again, mentally kicking himself and his big mouth. "You've done so much for the people, and they love you. You... You cannot just step down! We'd be left in chaos."

The king's mouth twisted into a wry smile. "I've been manipulated, lied to, and shot at so many times in the last half a year that I begin to doubt your assertion that my people have any particular fondness for me."

Will blushed and shifted from foot to foot. "Well... At least in your own castle, sire, you are thought of quite fondly."

The king's smile became something much more genuine as he looked Will over for a long moment. "I like you," he decided with a small laugh. "You've got an interesting mind behind that pretty face of yours. You're dismissed," he said, closing his eyes and leaning back against the headboard.

Will, feeling as though the heat of his face could cook an egg, stammered a "yes, sire" and bowed himself out of the room.

Leaning against the door, he sighed. It was not an easy task, to be in love with one's king.

~•~•~•~•~•

Days passed, and the king seemed to regain some small measure of his strength. He was back to heading meetings regarding alliances and shooing away greedy nobles himself. Will kept a worried eye on him, and had managed (through some begging and finagling) to be the servant most involved in the king's private affairs. Carstairs was gracious and indulgent of Will's constant barrage of questions, forgiving the breach of protocol with a tiny smile.

Will, in turn, was quickly learning how to recognize the bad health days from the good ones, even when the king was too stubborn to ever dream of saying something.

Good days were simple and hopeful.

The king would work long hours into the night, drafting treaties and looking over court decisions and reading through complaints from the kingdom. When asked why he insisted on working so hard when he was healthy, he had smiled wryly and given a simple answer.

"Good days may come and go, but paperwork is eternal."

Will had smiled and bowed out of the room, but as good days became less and less frequent, he saw what Carstairs had meant by it.

Bad days were long and weary.

At times on bad days, when he thought no one was looking, the king would close his eyes just a few heartbeats longer than a blink and drop his head to one hand, elegant fingers resting at his temples briefly before sighing and resuming his posture.

He was more likely to keep one hand braced on the table if he was standing or sit if possible, and Will's heart nearly broke to see the unsteady wavering in his stance.

The king managed to stifle most of the coughing, but there were times it would leave him breathless and gasping, thin frame trembling for a moment before he forced himself upright and held his shoulders to that straight line with a ferocious intensity.

The truly horrific days were painful and uncertain.

There were days that the king allowed no one into his chambers, taking no meals and sending word to Magnus, his chief advisor, that he would not be available for audiences that day.

On these days, Will found himself stopping by the king's door every few hours, calling softly through the thick wood and feeling his heart twist painfully at the coughing and gasps of pain that answered him.

He would ask quietly if the king needed anything or wanted a bit of company, and the king, without fail, would answer in a voice tight with pain and dismiss him.

Will checked every time, and always found himself dismissed. The king, for whatever reason, refused all offers of help or company. On healthier days, he would allow Will to linger and chat aimlessly for a few moments, seeming to enjoy an interaction not weighted with responsibility. Will had found himself telling stories of his childhood to bright, clear laughter. When he was ill, he would send Will away as if he were any other servant. Will's heart stung at the curt dismissals, yet a fierce protective streak pulled him back to the door that could not be breached.

That strange protective streak pulled him back to the king's door on this evening as the sun began to set.

Brow furrowing worriedly at the fit of coughing audible through the door, he knocked lightly.

"Sire? Are you alright?"

There was a gasp and a few deep breaths. "William?"

"Yes, it's me." Will was perplexed. This was not how this usually went. "Are you alright?"

There was a heavy pause before the king was gripped by another coughing fit. Voice feeble, he managed a barely audible 'Enter' between heaving breaths.

Will carefully opened the door, wondering why he was finally being allowed in. As the door swung fully open, Will stood uncertainly in the doorway, not sure what he was supposed to do.

Carstairs was sitting in the chair by his desk, head in his hands and slender shoulders trembling. He was white as a sheet and far too thin, the result of too many bad days gone without eating. When he clapped a hand over his mouth to stifle a cough, Will realized with dismay that his hands were faintly stained with his own blood.

With a tremendous effort, the king forced himself to sit upright, calmly wiping his hands on a small cloth and fixing Will with his moonlight gaze.

"Did you need something?"

"No, Your Majesty, I-"

The king held up a hand. "Please. That title is the bane of my existence. Just 'James' will do fine."

Will blushed, flustered. "Oh! Uh... Very well... James." The name felt far too intimate, mocking him; everything he'd ever wanted handed to him in a fevered delirium instead of the love he'd hoped for. "I merely came to see if you were alright."

James gave a wry smile. "I have been better, but I will live."

Will instinctively drew closer, the door closing behind him. "Can I do anything for you?"

The interaction was a far cry from their initial ones. James seemed more relaxed in his presence, and Will was falling more and more in love with the man, not the king.

The tension slipped out of his shoulders slightly, and a small smile graced pale features. "I wouldn't mind some company, if you've no other obligations."

"None," Will replied instantly, hating the thought of the king being left alone and sick, locked in with his work. "It would be my pleasure to stay."

James smiled again and opened his mouth as if to respond, but was seized by another fit of coughing. Turning away from Will and bracing one hand against the table, he bent nearly double, lungs threatening to give out.

"James!" Will exclaimed, rushing over and laying a hand on his back, feeling an instinctive need to touch and comfort.

He waved a hand wearily. "I'm alright, I'm alright." Sinking back down into his chair heavily, his eyes slid closed. Will, unsure of what to do and painfully aware that he was overstepping his bounds, gently carded his fingers through silvering hair.

To his shock, the king relaxed slightly and leaned back into his touch.

"Sire...?"

"Hmm?"

"Is this, um... appropriate?"

James made a soft, thoughtful noise and lapsed into silence. After a long moment, he spoke slowly.

"I don't particularly care about class differences or what my kingdom would think. My concern is that your emotions are tempered by loyalty to your king, not affection for me." At Will's choked noise, his serious expression quirked into a smile. "Yes, I noticed. You weren't exactly subtle with your wooing."

"I wasn't... I didn't... Sorry," Will mumbled, hands still absentmindedly running through James's hair.

"I would have stopped you if it were unwelcome," he assured. "However... If this... If  _we_  are to go anywhere with this, it must come from you."

"Why?"

"My conscience won't allow me to initiate this," James said with a tiny smile. "It needs to come from you, so I know it's what you want."

The look in his eyes nearly broke Will's heart. Fingers stilling at the back of his neck, he moved around to face him.

"If you will have me," Will said seriously. "You are what I want."

A disbelieving silence settled over the room. Feeling ridiculously bold, Will kept his hands at the back of his neck and slid into his lap, moving one hand to the regal cheekbone and feeling the feverish flush of his skin.

"Will you have me?" he mumbled quietly, closing the distance between them until they were a hand's breath apart.

James made a soft keening noise in his throat and flicked his gaze away.

"This is dangerous for you," he breathed.

"I don't care," Will insisted. "Will you have me?"

Silence.

"James," he said, voice softening. "Will you have me?"

"Yes," he sighed, threading fingers in Will's hair and closing that last gap.

The kiss was electric, sweet with the release of pent-up longing and dark with the tang of forbidden love. Will pulled back far too soon, mindful of the failing lungs he was becoming so fond of.

Foreheads pressed together, they let the silence settle until Will couldn't stand it anymore.

"This will be the death of us," said Will, breathless. 

"Then I shall die a happy man," he retorted, kissing him again.

Will couldn't help the smile that spread across his face, moving off his lap and offering a hand down to help him up.

James quirked a brow at him, accepting the hand and shyly lacing their fingers together.

"You're shaking," Will explained. "And you're still sick, so you can drop the act. I thought you might be more comfortable elsewhere in your lovely rooms."

The chambers were indeed lovely, and clearly designed with two inhabitants in mind. Will, drunk on his newfound freedom, wandered around and mentally took stock of the room. A large four-poster bed with thick drapes and soft dressings, two chairs by the ornate hearth, a double closet door, a window seat wide enough for two beside the door to the balcony, a bookshelf only half full...

"A bit bleak, isn't it?"

Will turned in surprise to see Jem leaning with his back against the window, looking at him.

"Rooms meant for two, lived in by one, fated to be left empty," he continued. "It's lonely at times."

"You don't have to be alone," Will said gently.

James shrugged. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown. I tried to fill the space with music," he replied, gesturing vaguely towards a violin and bow beside his desk, "But when I began to get sick, my hands started to shake, and long notes started to elude me."

"Will you play for me?"

"Even after knowing it will tremble, you want to hear me play," James mused softly. Leaning further back against the window and peering at Will from under long lashes, he smiled. "I wonder, William, just what else you are still willing to do."

"What am I  _not_  willing to do?" Will said, slowly stepping forward until they were nearly chest to chest. "Good lord, Carstairs, do you even know what you make me want to do to you?"

James's eyes widened, breath hitching as he looked up at Will. "Do tell," he murmured.

"You are so beautiful, leaning against the glass with your eyes that could hold a storm. I want to let you fall apart, piece by piece, in my arms and kiss away your sadness and put you back together. I want to wake up beside you." He stepped closer, leaning down to whisper in his ear and bracing his forearms on the window behind him. James was effectively trapped between Will's body and the glass. Nearly growling now, he continued. "I want to pin you up against this glass and become acquainted with every inch of you, then take you until all you can remember is my name."

James's smile was a mischievous thing when it came, hands tangling in Will's hair. "Then why don't you?"

"Because I know you're exhausted, and that it is likely taking every ounce of your energy to stay upright. I know your heart was beating too fast from a kiss or two, and I know you'd be too proud to say anything if it was too much." He pressed a chaste kiss to his brow, heart sighing sympathetically at the fever still lingering. "So that will have to wait."

"Very well," he said, walking toward the edge of the bed and tossing a look over his shoulder. "Aren't you coming?"

"Do... Do you want me to?"

James rolled his eyes. "You just told me you wanted to make love to me until I forgot my own name, and  _now_  you get shy? Yes, you fool, I want you here. Come to bed."

They slid beneath the duvet, and James leaned over him to snuff the candle, laying on his chest and burrowing into him and the blankets with a contented sigh. Holding him tight, Will could scarcely believe it. This was bliss, and he never wanted it to end.

~•~•~•~•~•

"My apologies, I do believe I misheard you. You think I should  _what?"_

The court advisor squirmed under the scrutiny of the king's gaze.

"T-t-the northern rebels are acting out again, sire. Their leader has agreed to a peace treaty if you agree to wed his daughter."

"I already signed a treaty with them when they lost the war," James shot back, pacing the throne room now. "What makes you think this one will be better? The treaty is holding for now."

From the corner, Will sighed at the tension he could see creeping into his lover's posture. His heart was breaking at the thought of losing Jem to a mysterious bride, but he bit his tongue and forced his expression to the dutiful neutrality the rest of the room would be expecting from a personal servant.

"They're surrendering control of their military, Your Grace."

James paused in his tracks. "Giving control to the state?"

"Yes, sire."

Running a hand through his hair, James continued to pace, crown haphazardly left on the seat of the throne. "So, if they tried to rebel again... If the treaty doesn't hold, we could handle them without sending our troops through a second hellscape of a war."

"Yes, sire."

Magnus finally spoke up from beside the throne. "James. I know you were not fond of the idea last we spoke, but this could be the solution to..."

"Having an heir in my will? We shall see," he replied. "I did not dedicate my life to my country only to hand it over to someone else. It will depend on whomever my new bride is."

"Yes, but children would solve the issue..."

James raised a hand. "Let us not get ahead of ourselves."

"My apologies, Your Majesty," Magnus bowed graciously.

"Oh, don't bother apologizing. You mean well," James waved him off.

After several long moments of silence save for the king's feet on the cobblestones, the advisor finally spoke up again.

"Shall I send word, then, Your Grace, that you accept his daughter's hand and his treaty?"

"Very well. Dismissed," James said, flicking his wrist and sitting, crown loosely in one hand.

The advisor bowed himself out. Once the heavy door had shut, Magnus grinned.

"James, darling, you are in my debt."

"Magnus, please, I haven't the patience for frivolity at the moment. Good lord, I just landed myself with a  _wife."_

Magnus's grin seemed to only grow, much to Will's bafflement. "Oh, but what if I told you that you and your lovely bride have met before?"

"Oh? And what horrid aristocratic ball did she attempt to seduce me at?" Will snorted quietly, and was favored with a boyish grin from James.

"None. It's more likely she beat you at something, since I've never known our Miss Gray to be a temptress."

At this, James looked up quickly. "Surely you're joking."

"No. Her adoptive father was newly appointed leader. She's the one you are to wed."

A brilliant smile took over his face, relief evident in his features. "Oh, I owe that girl the world on a silver platter. Magnus, arrange to have her things sent up to my room when she arrives next week and see to the usual guest preparations. That will be all."

With a bow and a flourish, Magnus excused himself.

"Oh, and Magnus?"

He turned in the doorway. "Yes, Your Grace?"

A smile lit up his face again, making him look his age instead of the eternal monarch look he'd perfected. "Thank you."

"Anytime," Magnus replied, bowing out of the room.

As soon as the door shut, Will turned in bafflement to look at James. "Who's Tessa?"

"An old friend. We grew up together. She was like my younger sister until her parents died in a fire and she moved north to be with her aunt and uncle. I suppose a family there adopted her, and that family just so happens to be the head of the rebel group. This marriage may be a blessing." He looked genuinely content on his throne for the first time in weeks.

Will, however, could not swallow past the lump in his throat. "What does this mean for us, then? If you're to be with your new wife and hoping for an heir? Where do I fit in your life now?"

James rose from the throne and sat on the steps in front of it, gesturing for Will to sit beside him. "It means that you and Tessa will likely be good friends, and she'll likely take over the attached servant's quarters." At Will's bemused look, he laughed, head tipping back. "William, love, Tessa has known I prefer boys since we were six years old and I had a crush on the stable boy. She'll likely be pleased I finally let someone in."

"And if you decide you want children? A proper family?"

"William, look at me." Will complied, and was shocked by the depth of the passion that matched his gaze. "I do not want children, as there is a good chance I would die before they would remember me. However, Tessa needs to have at least one child so that when I am gone, she has as much validation as I can give her."

"Please, do not talk like that," Will whispered, pained. "You speak of your own death so casually, but James, you will break an entire kingdom's worth of hearts."

A slender hand wound through his own. "My William, we have no idea how much time I have. I will take care of my successor, and give my people all I can, but until my dying breath, I intend to love you for every waking moment."

"And I will love you, my James, until we are both nothing but names in the wind."

"And then we will truly be together forever," James said, pleased. Standing, he offered a hand down to Will. "Now, if you've nowhere else to be, I seem to recall a certain lover of mine making promises he intended to keep regarding me and a window..." His tone was light as they hurried down the hall, grateful for the rare uninterrupted moment.

"Whoever that rogue was, Your Grace, I am happy to keep his word on his behalf."

"My hero," he cooed softly, closing and bolting the door behind them. "Are you quite sure you'd go through all that, just to keep this rascal's word?"

"For king and country, Your Grace, anything," Will replied seriously, delighting in the laugh that rose up and the sparkle in beloved silver eyes.

In the north, tension bubbled. Rebels disagreed, and a bride bid her family farewell. In the outer provinces, many schemed to get into the royal will, others searched for a cure for the king while still other searched for a poison. In his own castle, resentment lay dormant, waiting to slip its dagger between thin ribs when the king dared relax.

But in the tower, in the king's elaborate chambers, King Carstairs set aside the crown and the duties that came with it, relaxing under gentle hands and finally daring to hope and to wish that tomorrow would be better. Tension and assassins and resentment would wait one night; tonight, love was keeping the wolves at bay as William made good on his promises.

Yes, perhaps he was dying. And yes, his work was far from over, but tonight, nothing mattered. No title, no status, no heir, no crown. Nothing but the dark curls and blue eyes that had made their way into his bed and heart.


	24. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in eight minutes to torture a friend so heeeeeeeeeere you go

Every rise and fall of Jem's breath was slowing incrementally, and Will thought his heart would burst from the strain of keeping the tears at bay.

It wasn't what he had always feared. He hadn't collapsed in a fight and been murdered, or died in the throes of one of his truly horrendous coughing fits. It wasn't horrible and bloody and painful like they'd both expected.

But he was still dying. He'd woken up that morning, wrapped tightly in Will's arms, and simply known today would be the end of it all.

The past two weeks had been a slow decline, with a couple fits of fever-induced coughing and delirium, but those had passed. It was now a deep-seated ache in his chest, as though his lungs and heart were simply tired. The chill seemed to have moved into the marrow of his bones, and his hands were still seized by fine tremors.

Small symptoms compared to his diagnosis, certainly, but he was still dying.

"James," Will managed around the lump in his throat. "Are you in pain?"

That had always been his worst fear, that his Jem- his kind and loving Jem- would die in pain. But Jem simply gave a sweet smile and laced shaky fingers through Will's.

"Not anymore," he breathed softly. The strength for anything above a whisper had left him days ago. "Not with you here."

Will bit his tongue fiercely, determined not to cry.

"William," Jem continued in that soft voice, raising one slender hand to cup Will's face one last time, "I love you."

"I love you too," Will said thickly as tears began to fall. "Wait for me at the river."

Jem brushed a tear away gently and let his hands fall back to his chest, coughing once and wincing as his failing lungs protested. "I promise." The words sounded heavy, serious despite that tiny smile. Jem did not speak them lightly.

They were parabatai, and parabatai always kept their promises.

Jem took another labored breath and continued. "But keep me waiting, love. For a long, happy life."

Will wanted to say there was no life without him, wanted to scream to the heavens that he could not live without this boy in his arms, wanted to beg Jem to hold on for a few more days.

But the sight of Jem struggling for his last breaths simply to hear Will's answer broke his resolve, and he held Jem as he sighed his last breath.

"I promise."

And it was almost worth lying, to see Jem's last smile aimed at him again.

He felt guilty for lying, for misusing their trust in each other, but he knew it would comfort Jem to believe that Will would live on. And he had no reason to doubt, did he?

After all, they were lovers, and lovers always kept their promises.

Will lowered his head and made no effort to stop his tears from falling. The light of his life had died in his arms, and everything was now as gray as London's smoky skies.

Charlotte urged him through the motions day after day, even urging him back onto missions with Thomas. He fought recklessly, uncaring if he returned alive. What did it matter if he lived? Living would not bring Jem back.

Nothing could bring Jem back, so it did not matter if he lived or died.

Finally, he caught the bad end of a poisoned barb during a fight, and he asked that no effort be made to save him. Charlotte gave the same tearful smile he just knew he'd given Jem, and ruffled his hair lightly.

"Go find your Jem. He's waiting."

Will gave her a grateful smile as a heavy whiteness began to swallow him and closed his eyes.

Jem would be waiting, as he had kept Jem waiting. He was not sure where he would end up or what the next stage was, but he was certain of that.

At the end of the day, they were more than parabatai or lovers. It had always been Will and Jem against the world, no matter what they were.

It didn't matter how they defined their relationship- Jem would still be waiting for him.

They had promised. And they always kept their promises.


	25. Goodbye Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly this is a writing exercise and full of metaphors and lyrics from Rent so here you go
> 
> also it's similar to rent in that everyone is broke and gay and we deal with AIDS so time to Suffer

Will came into Jem's apartment, uninvited, as he had a million times before, pointedly ignoring the sparse bookshelves and the empty feeling of the rooms as he swept into Jem's room. Glaring at the half-packed duffel bag on the bed and the familiar figure beside it, he leaned against the doorframe with a heavy heart.

"So, this is it? You're really leaving?"

Jem didn't start, as if he had expected Will to be there all along. He turned from the bed and looked evenly at Will.

"So it would seem."

"Why?" Will demanded. "London is your home, Jem. Your family is here."

"Will... everything has just been too much. Losing Magnus, the whole situation with Gabriel and Tessa and  _you_..." He took a deep breath. "I have to go. Somewhere... new. Somewhere I don't have ghosts yet."

"Where will you go? Back to Shanghai?"

Jem's smile was a bittersweet thing when it came, twisting Will's heart.

"No. There are old ghosts there, too. I am trying to get away from them, not invite them home."

"Can you ever get away from them? Some of these things move into the fabric of your  _soul_ , James. You can't run from yourself." Will was on edge, terrified of losing Jem. He loved him with everything he was, though time and Tessa had both prevented them from ever having something tangible instead of longing and possibilities.

He sounded faintly amused when he spoke after a long pause. "You can try. And I plan to."

Will took a deep breath and tried to swallow past his anger. "And what about me, James? Are you running from me, too?"

An unsettling silence fell over the room when Jem did not respond, eyes downcast.

"James," Will said softly. "Are you running from me, too?"

"I am running from heartbreak," he whispered finally. "And the world has it fated that it will always be you that breaks my heart, William."

Will's heart gave another painful twist. "What do you mean?"

"You thought Tessa was the one for almost two years. We all thought you two would end up married, but you fell apart like a supernova. You always ended up here," Jem gestured to the room and to himself, "Running to me. I let myself think that maybe, you were running to me because you loved me. God, William, I have loved you since we were in high school. So, when Tess and Gabriel started going out after you and Tess fell through, all you did was let jealousy eat you alive and sleep around. You and Tessa still love each other, for heaven's sake." Jem ran a hand through his hair and sighed, suddenly looking very tired.

"You... love me?" Will ask incredulously. "You?"

The world was too cruel, handing him his dream with a goodbye as the prelude.

"Yes, me," Jem said, sighing. "Why is that so hard to comprehend?"

"Because you... you don't do relationships!" It was true; Jem never had dated seriously in high school or afterward. An occasional date or hookup, but never more than three dates before either he or his date was already moving on. Will had always thought some guy would come along and sweep Jem off his feet and settle him down, but it had never happened.

It was beginning to make sense now.

"Because I could never get over you," Jem replied sadly. "But Tessa makes you happy, so I never said anything. I want you to be happy, William, but I can't do this anymore. I can't have my life be this entwined with yours anymore. I just..." Jem's voice trailed off, and he sighed. "I need some space."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Will said, hearing how strangled his voice sounded. "I... James, we coud have..."  
Jem raised a hand to cut him off.

"Please," he whispered, eyes closed. "Don't. I need to do this, and if I hear that something could've been ours, I'll never make it out that door."

Will stepped further into the room. "I don't  _want_  you to make it out that door. We all need you, James. Tess and Sophie and Alec and Jace and all of them. And me.  _I_  still need you, Jem." He wrapped a hand around Jem's thin wrist, a bit desperately. "In your eyes, we have all found grace. You have always redeemed us, made our family more than the sum of its parts. You are our angel, James Carstairs."

He took a shaky breath, seeing the same emotion reflected in Jem's trembling hands. "You and Magnus kept us together. We cannot lose both of you. If... If you stay, if you hold us together again, we haven't lost everything."

Jem pulled his wrist free of Will's grip with surprising strength and took a few steps back.

"We have lost everything. None of you were ever supposed to know what it felt like to feel your death lurking around every corner for you. And yet, I have a letter in my pocket written by someone I loved as he lay in a hospital bed  _dying_  of AIDS." Jem's voice shook, but he met Will's eyes with a fierce gaze. "I had to watch Alec mourn his fiance, and had no clue what to say because the only one of us that was ever supposed to suffer that kind of fate was  _me_. Yet I outlived him. Me, with failing lungs and stuttering heart, outlive Magnus? The world has gone mad, Will, and I fear I'm going with it."

"James, Magnus wouldn't have wanted you to run..."

"I am not running. I am doing what I should have done a long time ago." He zipped the bag, turning his back on Will for a moment. "How could we lose him?" he whispered, more to himself than to Will.

Heartbroken and afraid, Will made a desperate attempt to get him to see reason. "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain. At least now, if we try... his death doesn't have to be in vain."

"Death is always in vain," came the whispered reply.

"Are you insane? There's so much left to care about! There's Tess, and there's me."

"You've got your baggage, too," Jem said with a wry smile.

"So do you," Will shot back, temper rising.

"Who are you to tell me what I know, or what to do?" Jem stepped towards him, pinning him under the weight of his intense gaze.

"A friend," he hissed. "That's what we always were. But who, James, are you?"

"What?"

"'Jem has got his work,' they say. 'Jem lives for his music and Jem's in love with his music.' You _hide_ in your music."

"Hiding from what?" There was an edge to Jem's voice, but Will was too frustrated to care. He could not lose James Carstairs. Not now, and not ever.

"From facing your loneliness. Facing the fact that you live a lie."

Jem stiffened, glaring at Will with a look that could crack glass. "No, it isn't me that lives a lie. You're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe, when you really detach."

Will felt his mouth open in a soundless gasp, and a horribly thick silence suffocated the room before Will picked up a bottle of pills from the table behind him. "Perhaps it's because I'm the  _one_  of us to  _survive_ ," he said pointedly, tossing the bottle to Jem.

He caught it out of reflex, adding it to the bag without ever taking his eyes off Will.

"You bastard," Jem finally said, shouldering the duffel bag. "To think that I still love you."

"Why didn't you ever say something? Were you really jealous of Tessa and I, or afraid that you'd lose someone else?" Will pressed.

Jem ignored him, slinging his violin case over his other shoulder with practiced ease and brushing past him to the sparse living room. "And what about you? With your 'we could have been' and your indignant anger when you're no better. Are you really angry or afraid that I'm getting weak?"

Will's heart softened when he noticed the dark circles under Jem's eyes and the way his clothes hung off his thin frame. "You have gotten pale..."

Jem snorted. "I've heard it all. 'Jem's gotten thin. Jem's running out of time...'"

"So you're running out the door?"

"No more," Jem shook his head, looking away and swallowing hard, forcing the tremor from his voice. "I have to go."

"Fine," Will said, blinking away his tears. Footsteps as heavy as his heart, he dragged himself to the doorway, hand lingering on the doorknob for the last time.

"Hey," Jem called in a whisper. "For someone who's always been let down, who's breaking hearts all over again?"

Will turned around, facing him and seeing his own tears reflected in Jem's eyes. "Yeah? For someone who fought for his own family, who's leaving with his violin, alone?"

"I'm sorry," Jem mouthed, voice failing him. Will stepped closer, mirroring Jem's steps until they were within arm's reach of one another.

"Me too."

Looking back, Will would never be able to say which one of them closed that space or who kissed who first. But the desperation, the need, in that kiss would linger on his lips even if it wasn't Jem in his arms.

It was not a romantic first kiss, or a slow declaration of love; it was a first kiss and a last kiss and everything in between, desperately lonely and full of need and bittersweetness and regret of words that should have gone unspoken, broken hearts that would always scar under the words of their other half. He didn't know how long they stood there, kissing like they would fade away forever once they parted. If one of them moved away, that gap was closed again instantly and they were consumed again by the feeling of something clicking into place, of coming home, of a cracked and aching heart finding the one it had always been searching for.

It was Jem who found the strength to pull away first. Forehead against Will's and eyes still closed, he didn't say anything for a long moment.

"Stay," Will pleaded quietly.

"After everything we said?" Jem's voice was sorrowful and quiet, and Will braced himself for the chill to nip at his skin when Jem moved away. "How can I stay after that?"

"Because you're home.  _We're_  home."

Jem finally opened his eyes, still tugged flush against Will's chest. "Home until Tessa and Gabriel break up? She's only trying to make you jealous, you know." Will squirmed a little, embarrassed at how effective that had been. "I want to stay, darling, I do, but... maybe it's for the best if I'm gone for a while."

"I don't remember how to live without you," Will said softly, afraid to shatter their tiny sliver of hope. It hung, shimmering and incandescent, an almost palpable thing in the space around them.

"Then you will learn," Jem said gently, finally pulling away from Will's embrace but keeping their hands, which had sought each other out like frightened children, entwined. "And if... if after a few months, this still feels like home... I'll come back."

"Okay," Will whispered. "Promise you'll come home?"

"I promise."

Will pulled him in and held him tight, silently building his strength for their parting.

"I'll call," Jem said finally, straightening and heading for the door. Looking up at the sunset colors settling into the trees and feeling the autumn breeze nip at his skin when the door opened, he sighed. "It's always harder after," he murmured to himself, tossing his bags into the backseat of his car.

Will stayed in the doorway, watching Jem get into the car and drive off down the street.

"Goodbye, love," he managed through the tears he could no longer stop. He regretted ever coming today. He knew he'd be guilt-wracked over the things they'd said to one another, but the kiss was going to haunt him. It would have been easier to let him go without a fight and a firework of a kiss.

Will lingered in that doorway, numbing to the outside world again, as the sun went down and a silver moon rose in the sky, looking down on him with eyes that felt achingly familiar without the spark that made them home.

Stepping inside, Will shut the door on the moon and went back to the bedroom, glancing around at the things that had been left behind and counting himself among their number. He gracelessly fell to the mattress, unable to shake the feeling of something being missing.

Sleep took him quickly, and the eye of the silver moon slipped into his dreams as a different pair of eyes, fluttering closed just before a kiss. The night passed soundlessly, save for the front door opening quietly just before dawn and the muffled thump of a violin case returning home.

Out in the living room, Jem sat heavily on the couch and dropped his head to his hands. He'd made it as far as the airport before his resolve had crumbled and pulled him back to Will. He was permanently stuck in Will's orbit, like the moon in constant revolution around the earth.

Morning would require discussions and plans and apologies from both of them if this was going to be their new definition of home. For now, for these stolen hours before dawn, the moon would shine down on the windowpanes and Jem could fall asleep, listening to Will's level breathing from the other room.

Once both figures within the apartment had drifted off into sleep, the moon seemed to glow a little brighter, as though the heavens themselves had conspired to bring these two together, and would do it again across a dozen arguments, a hundred worlds, a thousand lifetimes.


	26. Weddings and Vows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's long, like 5.5K words, so brace yourselves lol

When Will announced out of nowhere at the breakfast table that he was getting married, Jem very nearly choked.

There was a long, shocked pause at the table before Jem finally spoke up.

"I didn't realize you and Six-Fingered Nigel had settled down so much," he deflected with a grin, mind racing to catch up to the situation.

Will shoved his shoulder good-naturedly. "You think you're so clever, you bastard. Some best friend you are. No, I mean Tessa and I... We want to be married."

Tessa, blushing across her cheeks on Will's other side, slid her hand into Will's as Charlotte, Jessamine, and Sophie all burst into excited shrieks of congratulations.

Jem could feel his heart breaking in his chest, but he smiled and clapped Will on the back. "Congratulations," he said to them both. "Once the ladies have stopped being quite so vocal, I assume you have details to work out?"

Tessa nodded with a smile. "We haven't decided much of anything, really. Just that we know we want to be together." She smiled up at Will, who kissed the back of her hand and returned her lovestruck gaze.

"Forever."

Jem managed to stop himself from rolling his eyes as the other members of the Institute quieted down, but it was a near thing.

Charlotte beamed at Tessa, the stress of running an Institute melting away at the prospect of a wedding. The conversation quickly turned to wedding details and the differences between Shadowhunter and mundane weddings and what details would come from which tradition.

Jem was quiet through most of the conversation, responding only if addressed directly, as his mind spun rapidly.

Will was getting married?  _His_  Will?

Half of him, the better half, was relieved that Will was finally letting someone else in. Relieved that Will would not be alone when he died, that the other half of his soul could not only survive after him, but thrive happily. The good, quiet, polite half of him meant every bit of the smile he'd offered the new couple and every word of the congratulations.

Behind the reaction anyone would expect, the other half of Jem  _burned._ What was he to do now, without Will? Their relationship would alter drastically, and Jem's biggest fear of dying without Will by his side was seeming more of an inevitability. He had known Will was fond of Tessa- was even rather fond of her himself- but he had never expected this. The two people dearest to his heart, married? Leaving Jem alone or awkwardly intruding for whatever of his life remained?

He had loved Will since they were children, and now... Here they sat, Will newly eighteen just last week, an unexpected barrier slammed up between them.

A small voice in the back of his mind whispered that maybe if he hadn't waited so long, if he hadn't been such a coward, if he had simply  _confessed_  to Will, things might have been different.

How would he even explain it? How did one tell their best friend- their parabatai, the one you were forbidden to fall in love with- that they were the subject of every dream, the muse behind every song, and the one who's heart seemed to sing the perfect countermelody into the world?

Everything he'd wanted to say leapt to his mind, a physical ache in his chest as he forced them aside.

_William, you are more dear to me than all the stars in the sky that I looked to for solace. I would live through this life and all its horrors a thousand times over just to have the chance to see you for the first time and feel my heart stop all over again. You are the walking visage of all that is good and worth fighting for in my life, despite your protests. You are the fire in my heart and the itch under my skin and the desperation in my veins, and try as I might, I cannot break your hold on me._

_I'm not sure I want to._

_William... I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

The words sat heavy on his tongue now, swallowed alongside the last of his hopes for requited love.

Will snapped his fingers close to his face, breaking him from his reverie with a start. "James!"

"Forgive me, my mind was wandering. What is it?"

"Walk with me," he said, standing and nodding towards the door. As he walked by her chair, he brushed a kiss to the top of Tessa's head, and Jem once again fought the urge to roll his eyes.

Together, they stepped out of the Institute into the crisp morning air, breeze ruffling Will's curls and bringing a bit of color to his high cheekbones. Jem looked determinedly away, reminding himself that now more than ever, it was improper to stare.

They walked in silence for a long moment before Will took a slow breath. "James. Is everything alright? You went very quiet back there."

Jem shrugged, keeping his tone light. "Everything is fine. You simply caught me by surprise. Engaged is quite a big leap for you, William."

"What do you mean?"

Humming thoughtfully, Jem tipped his face towards the sky, attempting to settle his thoughts into some semblance of order. "You are not always the most trusting person, and you very rarely let someone know who you are at your core, or allow yourself to rely on anyone." His lips quirked into a half-smile. "In fact, I believe I was the sole occurrence before Miss Gray. I am happy for you, William, don't mistake me. It was just... Unexpected. It's a momentous decision you seemed to make in a very short amount of time. That's all."

Will nodded, mulling over the words as Blackfriar's Bridge loomed out of the fog. "You were the sole occurrence, that's true. Always my better half, James," he said, laughing and brushing his shoulder against Jem's.

Jem could feel his heart aching. He was going to miss this, their casual camaraderie and emotional intimacy. "Perhaps once, but no longer. Something in you is different, Will, and you are finally letting the world see the man I have always known you to be."

Side by side, they leaned against the railing, breath clouding in the crisp air.

"I have you to thank," Will said suddenly. "For Tessa."

Jem didn't know how much more of this conversation he could handle. "Me? What did I do?"

"It has been your faith and your love that kept me alive through the dark years. The grace you always seemed to have for me... Lord knows, you're a far more  _patient_  man than I would've been in your situation. You... You kept my heart alive, I suppose, even when I was not as good a friend as you deserved."

"You were always deserving of my love," Jem said quietly, afraid to speak something this honest too loudly, for fear the truth would break them. "Even if you were too stubborn or too..."

"Self-absorbed?" Will offered with a grin.

Jem snorted a laugh. "I was going to say 'preoccupied', but alright. Too self-absorbed to admit to needing it or returning it."

"It took me a while, didn't it?"

' _Oh, darling, you have_ ** _no_** _idea.'_

"As you said, I am patient. I would wait until the end of the world for you, William Herondale, if it meant you had me when you needed someone."

Will clapped him on the shoulder, hand lingering for a pair of heartbeats before withdrawing. Jem instantly missed the warmth and the comforting weight, but kept his mouth shut.

"You'll be at the wedding, I assume?"

"I'd be terribly offended if I wasn't invited, after that pretty speech of yours," Jem teased, smiling and looking sideways at Will. His heart fluttered when Will favored him with a laugh and a grin before sobering up again.

"Would you play for us?"

"What?"

"Our first dance, as husband and wife. I don't know Tess's plans for music, but we agreed that we'd like you to play for our first dance. If you agree to," Will added hastily.

With a heavy heart, Jem smiled and turned away from the bridge. "I'd be honored," he replied simply. "Now come on. I'm sure your fiancée is simply dying to bombard you with questions about wedding plans."

Will groaned, burying his face in the crook of Jem's neck, making his breath hitch and his heart beat uncomfortably fast. "What have I gotten myself into?"

Jem absentmindedly patted him on the shoulder, swallowing the urge to scream.

What had they gotten into, indeed...

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Time seemed to move in fits and starts now, racing by the weeks of ordinary days and dragging at a glacial pace through wedding plans and horrific coughs.

The frequency of his coughing fits was starting to become alarming, and in the privacy of his room, Jem paced the floor, mind spinning.

Nothing had changed, really. The dose hadn't changed, no drastic injuries to speak of, he hadn't passed out from withdrawal in months, and demonic activity had seemed to lull in recent months, meaning he'd even been taking less.

By that logic, he should feel healthier, with less dramatic fits of pain and coughing.

The only change was stress. He was heartbroken, to put it simply, and hiding his feelings from the world and pretending to be happy for the love of his life as that damned idiot mooned over his fiancée was taking a toll.

Was he truly so heartbroken that he was dying faster? Or was he just slipping once again, health deteriorating another notch, at a bad time?

How very poetic, he mused, to die of heartbreak over a poet.

A knock at the door startled him and pulled him back to the present. Straightening and taking a deep breath, he attempted to compose himself.

"Come in."

Tessa peered around the edge of the door with a sheepish smile. "Hello. Do you mind if I hide in here for a bit? If one more person asks me a question about my dress, I think I'll start screaming." 

Jem laughed, waving her in and perching on his windowsill, long legs braced against the trunk at the foot of his bed. "By all means, come in. I promise not to ask any dress questions."

She slipped inside and closed the door behind her with a sigh of relief. "You're a godsend. Thank you." Once inside, it was clear that she had a book in her hands, an old and weathered copy with a title Jem couldn't make out from across the room.

He shrugged. "My door is always open to you, should you need me for anything."

She smiled. "I was right. You  _are_ a saint."

"Now when did you say that?" Jem laughed. "Miss Gray, I think you're exaggerating."

"When you found Will at the opium den," she said after a moment, "I told him afterward that you were nothing but goodness, and that he was capable of driving even saints to madness."

He looked at her for a heartbeat before gazing out the window, feeling an odd smile tug at the corner of his mouth.

However misplaced her faith was, it was sweet nonetheless. He almost wished he didn't care so much for Tessa as well; it would be so much easier if he could resent her, instead of loving the bride  _and_  the groom.

"I am no saint," Jem said finally, looking out at the cloudy London sky. "But I appreciate the sentiment."

She sat, cross-legged and uncertain, on his bed and opened her book, letting her eyes fall to the familiar words.

"Are you sure I won't bother you?" Tessa asked, brow furrowing.

Jem laughed. "Please. I've spent the last handful of years with Will barging in as he pleases. So long as you don't start reciting any of his terrible poetry, you're alright."

His remark was met with soft laughter and a long stretch of silence.

It was a unique form of torture, Jem reflected, to have the person responsible for changing your entire world escape from their thoughts by handing them to you.

It was even worse when your traitorous heart was beginning to attach to them as well.

Snatches of conversation about color schemes and vows and dresses flitted through his mind, clouding his thoughts and making his heart break anew.

"Tessa."

"Mmm?" She looked up from her book, raising her eyebrows.

_Know the heart you hold is more fragile than he will admit, and know he will never break yours knowingly. Respect the trust it has taken him to fall in love with you, and understand there is still broken glass in those kaleidoscope eyes that you don't know about. Love him and support him and protect him from himself. He is something rare and precious to be treasured, and the world has been cruel enough to him already. Please do not add another unkindness to his life._

He swallowed his words again and managed a soft smile. "Don't break his heart. Will is... unlike anyone you've ever met, as I'm sure you've noticed."

"I have," she replied, eyes searching his. Jem felt uncomfortably like she suddenly knew everything, like his emotions were painted in his eyes.

He turned away, unwilling to chance anyone finding out, missing the knowing smile that crossed her face.

"Just... Take care of Will for me. Please."

Her voice was quiet and melancholy. "I wish you could be there for everything. All of it. Kids, anniversaries, Will getting old so we could tease him about it..." Tessa took a deep breath. "He needs you to take care of him, too, and I wish you both could have that."

"So do I, Miss Gray," Jem sighed tiredly, feeling the familiar ache creeping into his bones and the chill seizing his lungs. "But you will have to look after him for me. Your vows with Will are undoubtedly going to outlast mine."

"Til aught but death..." she murmured, as if to herself.

He could feel her gaze shift to the box on the bedside table, and he let his head rest against the cool glass of the window. "Sometimes, Miss Gray, vows break far too soon. I only hope yours don't meet the same fate."

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

The week of the wedding arrived in the blink of an eye, setting Will on edge.

Rising from the table in the library, Jem made for the door, cuffing Will upside the head as he went by. "Come on, you."

Will stood instantly, following out of habit. "Where are we going?" he asked as they made their way to the front doors of the Institute.

Jem raised an eyebrow and tossed a coat in his direction before setting one hand on the door and the other on the jaded head of his cane. "For a drink. You're too tense to be any fun sober. Consider this your bachelor party."

Will grinned. "There's that Carstairs spirit I know and love. What are we waiting for, then? Let's go!"

Jem raised a hand in farewell to Tessa as she rounded the corner, looking worried.

"Don't fret, Miss Gray, he's in good hands," he said with an easy laugh. It  _was_  becoming more natural to pretend to be happy around them, he reflected. Thank the heavens for small favors. "Kindly refrain from sending out search parties unless we aren't home by sunrise."

"Sunrise?" Tessa exclaimed in surprise. "What on earth could you possibly do until sunrise?"

Behind him on the steps, Will grinned. "The city is large, the night is young, the company is good... The sun will rise far too soon, my dear." In a more subdued voice Jem was coming to dub his 'sweetheart' voice, he added, "We'll be home safely by the time you wake up tomorrow."

"With hangovers the size of London, no doubt."

"Precisely why I didn't wait until the night before the wedding," Will teased, grabbing Jem by the wrist and running down the steps, out into the London evening.

After a few moments of silent running, Will slowed to a walk, releasing his hold on Jem's wrist but slinging an arm over his shoulders.

"So," he began, voice light. "When are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

"Ah. I was hoping you hadn't noticed."

"A fool's hope."

"I never claimed to be the clever one."

"Don't deflect, Jem. Come on, tell me what's wrong. I want to help you." Will pulled him closer against his side, ruffling his hair and looking at him with blue eyes widened in concern.

"Don't give me those eyes, William."

"Then tell me so I don't have to worry," Will said in a soft voice.

Jem snorted a laugh. "Oh, no you don't. Don't go trying to wheedle things out of me. I'm far too sober for this conversation."

This answer seemed to satisfy Will, who moved his arm off but kept very close to Jem's side. "Touché. I'll check in on this a few rounds from now."

Jem mentally braced himself for the night ahead. He had a feeling this would either destroy everything he'd worked so hard to hide, or convince Will once and for all that he was fine.

He refused to even think about a third option about this being the start of something beautiful. Being heartbroken was bad enough. False expectations would only hurt him more.

A smarter man would not have invited the object of his taboo affections out for drinks, Jem pondered as Will dragged them into the nearest pub. Alcohol would loosen his tongue, and there was a good chance Will was going to pry it out of him before they got home.

A smarter man would have stayed home and let Will spend the night finalizing details, or wouldn't drink tonight to avoid the possibility altogether.

But damn it all, Jem was tired. He was flirting with Death around every corner, and tired down to his bones of pretending to be someone he was not in front of the one he loved most dearly. Tired of lying, tired of being heartbroken, tired of hating himself for feeling this way.

This would be the one night he would stop being so careful. After this, it would be careful shields and polite words until his last breath. His last breath in this lifetime, Jem thought, could be used for the three words that seemed to sit heavy on his tongue every time Will walked into a room.

He was jolted from his thoughts when Will placed a drink in front of him and grinned.

"Cheers," Will said. "To the end of an era."

"To new vows," Jem said, raising an eyebrow at Will.

He only smiled under the gaze, briefly touching their glasses together. "And to old ones, my friend," he said quietly. "And to old ones."

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Jem had lost count of the drinks at this point, and was beginning to seriously regret the series of decisions that led them here.

"So," Will said, drink carelessly set on the bar and speech starting to soften under the weight of too much to drink. "What's wrong?"

"Do we have to have this conversation?" Jem was slightly more sober than Will, but not by much.

"Yes," Will exclaimed, clapping a hand on Jem's shoulder and leaning in closer. "You're my other half, James, I need to know." Vowels slightly elongated and consonants running together on the rise of a breath, Will was completely earnest, pinning Jem under the intensity of his midnight stare.

Jem sighed, feeling a little disconnected from the world, and heard the words start tumbling from his lips before he could stop them.

"You've always been an unshakeable truth in my life, Will, and I... I'm losing you. I never expected to lose you. I didn't even expect to live long enough to see you get engaged, and here we are." He took a ragged breath, some small logical part of his brain screaming to shut up before he damned himself with the truth. Liquor quickly conquered logic, however, and he continued.

"I have loved you all our lives. It's a little hard for me to let you go," he said in a soft voice, feeling like the world was falling out from under him. "I always wanted to be the one to love you and make you happy the way she does. Jealously is a cruel companion, and makes me into the kind of man I try not to be."

Will was silent for a long moment while Jem's heart accelerated, pounding in his chest.

By the Angel, he'd gone and ruined everything. Even his less-than-sober brain was acutely aware of that much. There would be no coming back from this, and the careful trust they'd created over all these years was crashing down around them, pulled down by too much alcohol and love kept silent too long.

"Will," he managed when no response came from the figure beside him. "I am so  _sorry_. I know it's wrong, and I know I've just ruined everything, and I'm sorry. I tried to stop feeling like this, but I... I couldn't. Oh, I never meant for you to know. By the Angel, Will, I-"

His stammered apology was cut off by a hand grabbing his collar and yanking him into a searing kiss.

Jem gasped, freezing in place. Will's mouth was hot and insistent against his own, hands fisting in his collar and pulling him closer. Shakily, his own hands came up to rest against the hard planes of Will's chest, feeling the world spin out beneath them.

"Wait," Jem breathed, pulling away. "Wait, wait, wait. What about Tessa?"

Will made a noise low in his throat. "She'd forgive me loving you, James. I have always loved you, you are as much a part of my heart as she is." He leaned in again, hands sliding down to rest on slender hips.

Jem raised a hand between them, fingertips gentle on Will's lips. "Will," he said softly. "My beautiful Will. You are a married man, and we are too drunk to be making these kinds of decisions." Even now, the room shifted pleasantly, everything in the world seeming a touch out of focus except for Will.

"I'm not married until Friday," Will managed, one hand around Jem's wrist.

"You love her."

"Yes."

"And yet you say you love me?"

"Always."

Jem, regretting the decisions that had led them here and thanking every god he knew that they were somehow still here, slowly let the hand separating them fall away, resting on Will's chest once again.

"We should go home," he whispered, grateful for the solitude provided by the shadowy corner of a run-down pub, "Before we do something we'll regret in the morning."

"Always the sensible one," Will murmured, their lips no more than a hair's breadth apart. "You're right. Though I can't imagine ever regretting you."

As they fell into another kiss, hands searching and mouths unwilling to separate for even a moment, Jem couldn't bring himself to regret this perfect moment of happiness, either.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Morning came far too soon, in Will's opinion. He rolled over, eyes still tightly shut, and buried his head under a pillow. The room felt like it was spinning, and for a horrible moment he thought he might be sick.

The feeling passed, and Will sighed in relief. Now, at least, he could rethink his choices without the fear of a few of them making a reappearance in his life.

He'd made a mistake. Or two. Or twelve. Will had lost count, really, but one thing was painfully clear through his foggy mind; he had spent a good portion of last night kissing his best friend.

By the  _Angel._

A soft knock on his bedroom door made his head pound again, and he groaned, trying to melt into the mattress and never be seen again.

"Come in!"

"Will?" a quiet voice from the doorway asked. "You and Jem both missed breakfast. Are you alright?"

Tessa. He knew he should be overjoyed to hear the voice of his soon-to-be wife, but a small part of him was disappointed that it was Tessa, not Jem, who'd come to wake him.

Lord help him.

With no small effort, he forced himself upright. "Yes, I'm alright. Bit too much to drink, probably should've listened to you."

She smiled and sat on the edge of the bed, slightly uncertain as she always was in this room. "Is that all?" Looking at his face, she frowned slightly, passing a hand over his brow. "You look troubled. Is something bothering you?"

"I..." Will sighed, steeling his resolve. She had a right to know, at the very least. "I may have done something stupid last night that you may or may not be slightly upset about."

Tessa raised an eyebrow, giving him an unamused stare. "What did you do?"

"I kissed Jem." He braced himself, prepared for a multitude of possible reactions. Anger, distrust, sorrow, disgust... Any one of them could have been triggered with such a simple, three-word sentence.

Of all the things Will was prepared for, laughter and an excited shriek was not among them. He looked up, shocked.

Tessa smiled at him, brushing his hair out of his face. "Oh, Will. Did you think I'd be mad?"

"Well... Yes! Wouldn't most girls be upset if their fiancé was kissing a man three days before their wedding?"

Tessa considered for a moment, shrugging. "Most would. But those girls aren't engaged to you. They don't know you and Jem the way I do. I knew he loved you, Will, you could see it on his face every time you walked into a room."

Will privately felt a bit daft for not realizing it sooner himself.

"He told me to take care of you," she went on. "And I could see that he was holding something back. He congratulated us, but he looked a bit wistful before he managed to smile." She laughed again, standing from the bed. "And I knew you loved him. I've known since I first came here, by looking at the way you interact with him. You treat him as though he is the only thing that matters."

"One of two," Will corrected hoarsely. A wave of gratitude swept over him; what in the Angel's name had they done to deserve this woman? "There are two people that matter to me that much. You have always been the other."

"I know," she replied. "I never thought you didn't love me. I just knew that you loved Jem, too. How could you not? He's so easy to love. Beautiful and kind and protective... I will admit to having a bit of a fondness for him, myself."

Will was ecstatic, yet almost wary to trust this stroke of good luck.

"So, you still love me?"

"Yes."

"And I never stopped loving you."

"Good."

"Jem loves me."

"I know."

"And I love him."

"As you should."

"And you love him?"

She hesitated for a moment. "As improper as it may be, yes again."

"And you're  _okay_  with all of this?"

Tessa smiled. "More than okay."

"So... Where do we go from here?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself. We're missing one link to this triangle- we have no idea what Jem's feelings for me are."

"Let us assume they're positive. What now?"

Tessa shrugged, absentmindedly playing with a dark curl and pacing in front of Will's closed door, a swirl of skirts rustling across the floor.

"We get married," she said finally. "And we talk to our Jem. We'll figure this out, whether we... Make him ours somehow, or if he'd rather just pretend all of this never happened."

Head reeling with anticipation, Will forced himself out of bed, ignoring the sharp spike of nausea. "I think we should see if James is awake. The matter should not be left to sit."

"Good idea." Tessa opened the door, smoothing her hair back nervously. "Should we talk here, or take a walk?"

"Have mercy, my dear, I'm still feeling the gin," Will groaned, exhausted by the notion of leaving the Institute. "And Jem likely isn't any better off."

"Look at it this way; if you hadn't gotten drunk, we may have never had this...  _Enlightening_  conversation."

"Touché."

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Jem was not someone who was prone to panicking. Life had conditioned him to be cool under pressure, to be calm and collected and reasonable no matter what. Life had trained him not to panic.

He was not ashamed to admit that he was panicking when Will and Tessa finished talking, both looking at him expectantly.

By the Angel, what was he supposed to do? They  _both_  loved him? This was quickly becoming far more complicated than he'd bargained for, and his brain, still berating him for the alcohol content of his blood, was struggling to keep up.

"I... I'm afraid I don't know what to say," he finally managed.

"Say you'll have us," Will said quietly. "That's all you have to say Jem, and you have us, for the rest of our lives."

"Not quite," Jem replied, smiling gently and trying to calm his heart. "I'd have you for the rest of  _my_ life."

Tessa opened her mouth, brow furrowed in confusion, but Jem held up a hand before she could speak.

"I'm not trying to argue word choice here, I'm attempting to prove my point. The two of you have the possibility of decades together, provided nothing tragic happens. I would be surprised to see another Christmas. Do you see the problem?" Jem asked, voice tight and heart aching. "I would be nothing but a brief addition to your marriage, no more than an experiment in your love lives before it would inevitably end."

"James, you are more than that," Will said sharply. "You will always be more than that. Would you deny yourself happiness because of your uncertainty?"

"It's not uncertainty or fear, Will, it is the reality of my situation. I am not asking you to understand. I know it makes very little sense, but you do not know the feeling the way I do. I have to live knowing that there is a logical chance that any words I say to someone could very well be my last words to them. I want this- want  _you-_  with everything I am, but it isn't fair to the two of you."

Tessa moved from her seat to sit on the edge of his own, taking his hand between both of hers and looking at him earnestly. "Jem. We of all people know the reality of your situation. We are not suffering under any delusions of a long life together with all three of us. We know we could only have you for a short time, but it would be worth it. You are always worth it."

Jem looked at her, feeling his resolve waver. He looked at Will and felt as though those blue eyes could see through every layer of his soul, right down to his core. There was an edge in that gaze, pinning him in place and exposing his fear and his loneliness and all his flaws. Yet there was a softness there, too, as though he was seen to be flawed but not broken, and had been forgiven.

He closed his eyes, unwilling to let himself get lost in a fantasy. "Bad enough I already must break one set of vows," he whispered, almost to himself. "I cannot subject you both to more. There is no happy ending in my story, my loves. There can only be one ending, but you needn't be dragged into it."

Will had moved to kneel in front of the chair at some point, staring up at him while Tessa absentmindedly toyed with his hair.

"James Carstairs," Will nearly growled. "I am irrevocably wrapped up in your story. Our plots are entwined alongside our fates. You, trying to be the noble one and distance yourself, will not lessen my love for you. My heart will already break when you are gone. Would you deny us a chance to make the last few chapters sweet enough to ease that heartbreak?"

Jem was silent, words ringing through his mind as his heart quietly agreed with its other half. 

"I vow to love you, always," Will went on. "I vow to stay by your side in battle and out, to always know you as the other half of my soul, and to love you until my last days. Not yours," Will added quickly, "but mine. I vow to protect us from the world, and to be grateful that life has given me not one, but two great loves to have by my side. Do you return these, James?"

His heart was singing, his mind was blanking, and Jem didn't know what to do. Every logical part of him was refusing, telling him to leave now, to back away, to run before someone got hurt. The rest of him was so irreversibly in love with William Herondale that logic became a secondary function, long forgotten.

Looking into cherished blue eyes more familiar than his own, he smiled, letting love guide his decision.

"I do."


	27. Soulmarks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am The Worst™ at updating so sorry about that. Hmu in the comments if you have a request or you just want to scream about these morons because honestly?? Same 
> 
> Have a good day and do something that would make jem proud of u

The words appear when you turn sixteen.

Most people have parties that span the midnight of their birthdays, waiting breathlessly to watch the words appear, the words that are supposed to be the first thing your soulmate thinks when they see you.

Will's arm had been tingling all day, and as Magnus and Jace got progressively more competitive playing Mario Kart, his heart began to pound.

The second the clock on the wall clicked over to midnight, the tingling sensation on his arm intensified. Magnus paused the game, ignoring Jace's squawk of protest, and nearly tripped over the couch in his haste to come stand next to Will.

Jace, Thomas, and Gabriel all followed, with slightly more decorum, or with slightly less interest.

(Will suspected half of his friends were only in this friendship because there were usually video games and food at his house.)

Will watched in awe and disbelief as the black letters slowly began to show up on his inner forearm, spelling out the first thought his soulmate would have at the beginning of their life together.

Magnus, tracing his dark tattoo of ' _He's too beautiful to be real'_ absentmindedly, bounced on the balls of his feet impatiently.

"Are you going to say anything, Herondale, or do we have to wonder what whatever poor soul ends up with you thinks?" he teased.

Too stunned for words, Will allowed his wrist to be grabbed and pulled towards his waiting friends, watching their eyes widen as they stared at his darkening tattoo.

Silence.

Eventually, they all burst out laughing, breaking the serious mood in the room.

"Oh, Will, I like this girl already!"

"Don't be a twat, Gabe, we don't know it's a girl."

"Will, remind me never to get in a car with you."

"Romance is officially dead, Will."

Will laughed along with them, staring down at the words in stark relief against the paler skin of his inner forearm.

' _Learn how to use a turn signal, motherfucker!'_

~•~•~•~•~•~•

As his soulmate seemed to have predicted, it took Will three tries to officially get his driver's license. Occasionally, he drove recklessly on purpose, hoping to feel his arm burn with the feeling of the words being thought. Sadly, the weeks went by and he watched Magnus and Alec slowly fall head over heels in love without anyone to fall in love with. Jace met a fiery redhead who keeps him in his place, and it turns out that he was actually a decent person when he's not busy being a complete douchecanoe.

Will was already planning wedding speeches, and silently praying that there will be someone for him to plan his own wedding with.

He dated around, wondering if maybe someone pretty to hold and kiss will make his heart feel a little less lonely. It never worked, and those flings ended as abruptly as they'd started.

His world changed when he met Tessa.

He cut her off when she was about to turn into their high school parking lot senior year, and she threw a book at his head the second she stepped out of her car, but all he could think was that she could punch him in the face and he'd say thank you.

He was absolutely sure it was supposed to be her.

He was wrong.

They broke up their sophomore year at university, after a relationship that had gradually turned into vague affection instead of anything you could call love. They had been happy at first, but then Tessa had been walking beside him down the street and had grabbed her arm, gasping.

Her tattoo was shimmering, the sign that the words were being thought.

Their breakup was sudden and abrupt as she went off with her soulmate, breaking Will's heart with a gentle apology and trying to step around the pieces on the floor.

Will's tattoo paled and faded to almost-white, barely visible and tingling imperceptibly every time he gets in the car.

~•~•~•~•~•~•

For once, the long stretch of road leading out of town was virtually empty, and Will cruised down, one hand on the wheel and going far too fast.

A sign on the side of the road caught his attention, and he leaned over the passenger seat to get a better look, slowing down to make out the lettering.

' **Antique Book Sale! Next right.'**

Will swerved without bothering to look behind him. The road had been empty last he'd checked, anyway. He changed lanes, skipping two altogether to make the turn in time.

Three things happened in very quick succession.

First, Will nearly jumped out of his skin when a car behind him (that he could've sworn wasn't there two minutes ago) laid on their horn.

Then, through the window, he could see a man, maybe about his age, gesturing at him and rolling his eyes. The thought leapt into his mind almost unbidden:

' _This could be him.'_

He had only a split second to process all of this before the familiar words on his arm darkened back to black and suddenly burned like they were on fire.

The car, yards away now, quickly swerved to the side of the road, and Will could only hope it was because the driver had felt it too.

A tall, thin guy about Will's age stepped out of the driver's side, strangely silver hair reflecting the sunlight and flopping a bit into deep brown eyes.

"What thought just went through your head?" Will demanded, clutching his still-tingling forearm to his chest.

Will was met with a raised eyebrow and a crooked grin. "Well, once I was fairly certain I wasn't going to die because you don't comprehend basic traffic laws, it was something along the lines of ' _Learn how to use a turn signal, motherfucker._ ' Not my most eloquent, but you did nearly kill me."

The stranger's accent was similar to Will's own, with something distinctly foreign underneath it all. He was disarmingly lovely, and absentmindedly rubbing a hand down his left forearm, black ink in Will's own handwriting peeking out from between elegant fingers.

"And yours?" he went on, voice careful as he looked at Will, a disbelieving smile playing on his lips.

" _This could be him_ ," Will said, voice raw and honest. "Is it you?"

"So it seems," he said, stepping closer. "I'm James. Jem to you."

"I'm William. Will to you, I suppose," he grinned, reaching out and taking Jem's hand. "Hi."

"Hello," Jem said, amused, before standing on tip-toe just a little to kiss his cheek gently.

Will felt a sense of rightness settle into his bones, smiling and wrapping his arms around a slim waist. He hugged his soulmate close, a stranger he'd been waiting to meet.

After a long moment, Jem stepped back just a little, staying in Will's space but no longer close enough to kiss.

"Movie on Friday?" Will heard himself ask.

Jem grinned. "Only if I'm driving. I'll pick you up at seven, we'll go from there?"

"Perfect. I was just headed to the book sale, if you want to come along."

Jem smiled and walked back to his car, driving down the bumpy road until they reached the parking lot in front of the old building selling the books.

Unnoticed by either, the dark lettering on their arms shimmered again and faded to a grey, a far cry from the heartbroken white Will's had gone before. The soulmates had been brought together; Fate, in her fickle way, was done meddling.

Hand in hand, laughing as they walked up the steps, the world seemed to grow lighter with the perfect fit as their lives slowly began to overlap, joining to form one long road ahead of them.

First date would lead to second, third, fourth, fifth, losing count after sixth date. To a tiny apartment. To scared trips to the hospital and hands gripping each other tightly, afraid of letting go. To treatment failures. Finally, eventually to the good news and far fewer hospital visits. To rings, subtle and beautiful. To a proper house and the cat and the son and the daughter and the perfectly quiet, cozy domestic life.

An unconventional love story, yes, but a love story all the same. They would have all anyone could ask for: a winding road, a hand to hold, and a soulmate mark that made for very amusing dinner conversation.


End file.
